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Bestiality and Ewe

Essay By: Harlowe Pilgrim
Humor



Sick and tired of the harassment every time you saddle up to your sweetie? Is being shunned by society starting to wear on you? Have bestiality laws got you down?

This goes out to all the sick bastards out there (you know who you are)—who can’t seem to keep your hands off the livestock.


Submitted:Sep 4, 2012    Reads: 389    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   


Sick and tired of the harassment every time you saddle up to your sweetie? Is being shunned by society starting to wear on you? Have bestiality laws got you down?

This goes out to all the sick bastards out there (you know who you are)-who can't seem to keep your hands off the livestock.

Folks, if you think the term animal husbandry refers to having marital-type relations with someone who's … a species other than human … I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. And if inter-species relationships actually turn you on … then I'm afraid you've really got the wrong idea.

And you're what they call a zoophile.

Yes, the animals are our friends-but they just don't think of us in that way. Frankly, they're not that into you. They don't want it to get physical … and if they could talk, they'd tell you so.

"Come Spot!"

When you call your dog, the command is supposed to be totally unrelated to sexual climax. This should not be news to anyone.

"The bitch wanted it."

If you say so, but please stop explaining there … we don't want to know about it.

"Woof!"

How about this? I recently saw where a guy had gotten himself into quite a slippery situation-something about a barn security camera catching him kissing a horse. On the wrong end.

Wait-there's a right end to kiss them on?

"I thought we were cool," the fellow might have said. "She said she was 3 yrs old."

That is just about the age of consent for a horse.

So, the guy admitted to trespassing, and licking the horse. I gather he was trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of … where baby horses pop out.

I guess it didn't bother her too much; she could have kicked him across the barn. But then, if she'd liked it very much, the same damn thing would probably have happened. You know how it goes, with ladies in the throes …

Which reminds me:

Quick … how many drinks does it take to have sex with a horse?

A lot of them; they can really hold their alcohol.

And lest you think that men are the only pigs in the barnyard-women are not immune. They'll ogle a big Mastiff's member, or a donkey's kong, just like it's dangling down from a Hollywood prettyboy. I'm telling you, there's more than a few who'll try to milk a bull if you let them (and you know who you are).

The trick is getting them to let you be the bull.

And, hey! Let go of that cock! Of course it tastes like chicken! It is a chicken!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Check out my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa (Adult Humor). Ebook is only $2.99 at www.cockandbullpublishing.com and most other online booksellers.

Send an email to win-ebook@jesusvsanta.com to enter drawing for a complimentary ebook!

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Also by Harlowe Pilgrim:

Crack Down on Pussy Riot

Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?

Peeing on People

Jesus Christ Interview





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