Put a condom on my Olympics … it's time for another round of the quadrennial summer games. And it's looking to be a hot one in London.
The biggest news so far out of the pre-Olympic run-up is the story about the 150,000 condoms being provided to the athletes in Olympic Park. Now, I like condoms and I like sex, but that sounds like quite a lot of both. I sure hope they find time to take in a few of the athletic events while they're there.
It's not like the boatload of condoms comes as a shock-the Olympics and condoms go together like peanut butter and jelly, leather and lace, and vodka and orange juice. It used to be that sailors and condoms went together … but I guess these days, the sailors are keeping it zipped on the ship, and it's the athletes going ashore to spread the love.
In terms of a friendly wager, I saw where you can actually bet on whether or not the Olympics will run out of condoms. Imagine if they were just a few shaft-wrappers short; whoever placed the order for only 150,000 would be shit-canned faster than you can say, "Hey, wanna hook up?" "Okay."
And what happens if they do run out? Screw-mageddon? Paternity tests and infections for everybody?
Psst … don't even think about telling the American political establishment where the condoms will be coming from. Remember the scandal that erupted when they figured out Team USA is wearing uniforms made in China? I'm pretty sure the Olympic rubbers aren't made in the USA. I heard a rumor they actually test the things on egg rolls, but I'm not sure I completely trust the source.
So which is more valuable as memorabilia? An unopened Olympic condom in pristine condition, or one that's been properly put through it's paces? Obviously, if used … it depends on who's DNA it's been slathered in. If you go that route, thorough documentation is a must. Video is also highly recommended, for obvious reasons. In fact, the video's good even if you don't have a collectible condom …
You know, maybe they should just make sex an official Olympic event; sounds like they've already made it the main event. What country wouldn't want to medal in sex? Talk about national pride. Just roll one on your pole-or open up your vault-and go for the gold, baby. Just don't go for broke. Broke and condoms do not go together.
- Harlowe Pilgrim
Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
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Also by Harlowe Pilgrim:
Crack Down on Pussy Riot
Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?
Peeing on People
Jesus Christ Interview