Welcome Visitor: Login to the siteJoin the site

Santa and Mrs. Claus Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Essay By: Harlowe Pilgrim
Humor



Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.

When my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).


Submitted:Nov 23, 2012    Reads: 297    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   


Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.

When my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).

Pilgrim: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Welcome, it's good to see you. Ho Ho Ho!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Well, I've written it so many times ...

Mrs. Claus: I'll say! Jesus Vs. Santa is full of Ho Ho Ho's!

Santa: Full of Ho's? Ho Ho Ho!

Pilgrim: (laughs) I think you mean …

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, the laughing kind of Ho Ho Ho's-not the skanky streetwalking kind.

Pilgrim: I'm glad we got that straightened out.

Santa: Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just about to re-read the book!

Pilgrim: Maybe you should-Jesus told me he edited a few things.

Mrs. Claus: He did?

Santa: Then I'm probably not reading it again. If he's been fucking around with it, I probably don't want to know how.

Mrs. Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn't.

Pilgrim: So … now that you're book stars, is life treating you any differently?

Santa: Don't forget kid, we've appeared in lots of books over the years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs. Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only media seems particularly interested, for some reason.

Mrs. Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Whoa, that's giving me a whole lot of credit I don't deserve. At most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.

Santa: That's fair enough.

Pilgrim: I'd like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the old, grandmotherly type anyhow.

Mrs. Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that was age appropriate for Santa.

Santa: Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That's …

Mrs. Claus: Ridiculous, we know.

Pilgrim: That is not how Santa rolls.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I'll stick with hot blondes.

Mrs. Claus: Ahem.

Santa: Hot blonde. That's what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.

Pilgrim: (laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?

Santa: I've always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred to anyone else, though.

Santa: What do you mean? What woman wouldn't want a piece of this?

Mrs. Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?

Pilgrim: (laughs) What a thing to say.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch-that kind of hurt.

Mrs. Claus: Now, wouldn't it be more cruel of me to foster your delusions?

Santa: Damn … now I'm delusional, too. Maybe fostering my delusions would be a little nicer.

Pilgrim: I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …

Santa: I hope you understand, it really doesn't.

Mrs. Claus: I'm mostly kidding anyways, you nut.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I thought we all were.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking time.

Pilgrim: We knew that.

Santa: Wait-so don't really find me sexy, Harlowe?

Mrs. Claus: Ahem …

Pilgrim: Yes, well, moving right along …

Santa: Hey-are you two just trying to change the …?

Mrs. Claus: Subject? Who, us?

Pilgrim: Santa, we're trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I'm a little insulted. So, how about them elves?

Santa: The elves? What about them?

Pilgrim: They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.

Mrs. Claus: Yes. They're elves.

Santa: Yup. That's the stereotype-tiny little elves. That's why they appear so small in the book.

Pilgrim: Aren't they always that small?

Santa: Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is chocked full of special effects, and those little buggers are one of 'em.

Mrs. Claus: Kris

Pilgrim: You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small for the book?

Santa: Yup. It was all just book movie magic.

Mrs. Claus: Really, Kris …

Santa: It's true. In real life, we've got some elves as tall as pro basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.

Pilgrim: Really? I had no …

Santa: Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.

Pilgrim: Aw, you were?

Mrs. Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.

Santa: You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.

Pilgrim: Isn't the phrase, 'hook, line, and sinker'?

Santa: Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker to turn tricks for cash!

Mrs. Claus: Can't say I didn't see that one coming.

Santa: Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn't get money too, should she?

Pilgrim: Not really sure how that works, Santa.

Santa: You know who I ask all my whore questions, don't you?

Mrs. Claus: Oh no …

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! That's right-our little friend, Mary Magdalene.

Pilgrim: Mrs. Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the prostitute bullshit.

Santa: Come on, honey. We tease because we love.

Pilgrim: She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from what I've seen.

Santa: Not only that, but Jesus thinks it's funny. How bad could it be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?

Mrs. Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that, Kris.

Pilgrim: That's a hell of a point, actually. Don't you remember the shit that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa? Maybe you should re-read the book.

Santa: Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant, but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke's still a joke, right?

Pilgrim: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.

Mrs. Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.

Santa: You are too, sweetie pie.

Pilgrim: Aw, shucks.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I did not call you 'sweetie pie', kid. But I could go for some.

Mrs. Claus: Always.

Pilgrim: Well, on that note, I guess I'll let you guys go. Thank you so much for coming in.

Santa: You're welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.

Mrs. Claus: You're such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Goodbye, guys.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

The perfect gift for anyone who likes to laugh! My novel Jesus Vs. Santa is available at www.cockandbullpublishing.com and most other online booksellers.

And send an email to win-ebook@jesusvsanta.com to enter a drawing for a FREE ebook!





1

| Email this story Email this Essay | Add to reading list



Reviews

About | News | Contact | Your Account | TheNextBigWriter | Self Publishing | Advertise

© 2013 TheNextBigWriter, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Policy.