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Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

Essay By: Harlowe Pilgrim
Humor



If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.


Submitted:Nov 11, 2012    Reads: 2,140    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   


If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"

Thanksgiving Birth Control Secret

"Have fun, kids. And don't forget the Thanksgiving birth control secret."

"The Thanksgiving birth control secret? What's that?"

"More gobble gobble gobble … and less stuffing."

So there, Grandma.

A college girl brought her new boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. The family was seated around the table, watching her grandfather carve the turkey.

"Everything looks delicious," the girl said, and everyone agreed.

"I've got dibs on one of those drumsticks," her grandmother said. "And how about you?" she said to the boyfriend, whom she'd been razzing since he got there. "What are you? A leg man? Or a breast man?"

The girl and her boyfriend exchanged knowing smiles.

"Um," she spoke up for him, "what do you call the meat between the legs? That's what he likes the best, Grandma."

Pilgrim Spermicide

"Did you know that turkey fat was the original spermicide?"

"No."

"In fact, the Pilgrim's swore by it."

"So, how did it work?"

"How did it work? Have you noticed all the white people in America? You friggin' tell me!"

Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."

A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said to PLUCK the turkey!"

Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit-on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"

Pokin' and Prayin' Pilgrims

"What's the huge smile on your face for?" said one Pilgrim girl to the other. "All these chores we have to do?"

"No, silly. On the way here, Nethaniel stopped me, and took me into the woods. He absolutely ravaged me―it was wonderful."

"Oh … well … I'm sure our religion doesn't tolerate that. I sure hope you don't burn in Hell for it."

"Aw, don't be silly. It was just like church; we prayed the entire time."

"You did?"

"We sure did. I kept saying 'Oh God' , and he kept saying 'Oh God' "

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Check out my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa (Adult Humor). Ebook is only $2.99 at www.cockandbullpublishing.com and most other online booksellers.

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