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The Shank Shy Meeting Redemption

Essay By: retlaw

A funny essay about the work place meeting. ****spoiler alert*** No bosses or co-workers were harmed in the writing of this essay. This is for anybody that has ever attended a meeting at work and felt like they were in prison. Even if you never attend a meeting then let me be your tour guide into darkness.

Submitted:Jun 14, 2014    Reads: 173    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

I hate meetings. Funny, for someone who attends so many freaking meetings. I can tell you that they are useful and the meetings accomplished a lot but then my nose would just keep on growing. I am sure in the history of men there has been a few that were productive, not any that I have ever attended mind you. I am sure the one to discuss what to do with that fellow what was his name…. Hitler was productive. Not as productive as trying to tunnel for decades with rock pick to escape prison for a crime you did not commit to freedom. It's a reference to a movie made 20 years ago, called Shawshank Redemption…. Google the movie and it's going to make this piece a whole lot funnier, that and wine. For the lucky few out there that hasn't attended a meeting then consider yourself a lucky person (and I envy you). I will take you on a journey into darkness. Those of you who attend meetings regularly then you feel my pain and you also need therapy. So sit back and prepare to be astonished by Shank Shy Meeting Redemption.

I have been in middle management for a while now. So is fair to say, I have attended a few meetings in my life time (I mean more than my soul can possibly bare). They always start with the following phrase "I want to make this short". I will translate for you, who do not speak "bossides "(language of morons that run the world). I will keep you as long as I please and when/if I ever get tired of hearing myself talk. So a couple of years later, the boss is still going. I believe almost any meeting can probably be covered in 30 seconds. It really boils down to one main idea, I am in charge and you will listen to me because I want to feel important today. My boss, let call him Vader to protect the innocents (me), loves meetings because he feels they're productive. When all they do is waste time you could have been doing your work. Okay, I am getting carried away, what I meant is time you could have been spending surfing the internet. Not only do meetings not accomplish anything, you're constantly being corrected.

My boss has a need to correct anything anybody says whether they are right or wrong. I will give you an example:

Supervisor that soul is being crush (me): That was an awesome game; The Giants won the Super Bowl."

Vader: No they didn't win the super bowl.

Supervisor that soul is being crush (me): But we all saw the game last night.

Vader: You, naive minded man, the Patriots (the other team) didn't win.

Supervisor that soul is being crush (me): that the exact same thing.

Vader: to a simple mind, it would appear to be same, but to the genius that is me…totally different.

Supervisor that soul is being crush (me): I get it, that's why I didn't loose any money, you didn't win any bets. I want to thank you, for enlightening me. Now pay up.

Now, not only are you at the mercy of your "boss", but you are also held down in the water by the boulders that are your co-workers. I have identified three kinds of attendees at these meetings. They are naiveté, lips attached to asses, and head in the clouds.

Let us start with the first type, naiveté, this poor fool thinks that the meetings are important and treats them with the same importance as nuclear annihilation. They will ask stupid questions that my one year old son can answer. An example would be: "So is the goal is to save money and maximize profit?" They act like the fate of the world hang in the balance according to the answer. The answer is"YES" that the goal, my one year old screams out in respond. The only thing that they accomplished is extending the meetings and makes you want to shank (origin: prison slang a homemade knife made out of scrap of metal found anywhere and sharpened like a knife) them in the heart.

The second type is "lips attached to asses" in other words a kiss ass, they know the meetings are useless but will never pass a chance to pucker up and kiss some delicious Vader butt. They will laugh at any lame joke given by the boss like they heard the greatest comedian that has ever lived. Kiss asses especially make you want to shank them in the heart because they know better and only encourage Vader to be more Vadery (the act of being eviler).

The third is" head in the clouds" this type does not want to make you stab them in the heart. They only make Vader repeat useless information over again. "The inventory is the 30th" said the evil one. A few minutes later "any questions?" "What day is the inventory?" Said cloud in the head type, which only makes Vader repeat himself and add new useless facts. I have changed my mind; I do want to shank them in the heart too. Any wonder, why I spend most of the day in meetings at work.

There is a forth kind of attendee; I called them the Shawshank prisoner (Yet another reference to a movie that is over two decades old. In my defense A & E channel has been giving re-runs for the last month. This poor soul is me. Held against my will for the crime of being on the wrong side (and by that I mean having common sense). This attendee will try to bring logic and reasoning when of course that doesn't work. They will make smart ass remarks instead. We will try everything humanly possible to end our incarceration. In the process makes everyone else want to shank us. To think about it……at least it would end my misery. So children, what is the moral of my story? I would tell you, but I am running late for a meeting.


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