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130 Things I Hate About Swim Team

Essay By: swimFire
Humor



Sorry about the obsessive list making lately.

I was thinking about this during practice today. Thanks to Megan for the help :)


Submitted:Jun 10, 2009    Reads: 5,525    Comments: 16    Likes: 5   


130 Things I Hate About Swim

130) You're terrible at arguing. "You can go, I have to fix my goggles.""No, I'll wait.""Go!" "NO!" "GO!" "YOU GO!""GO!"" YOU GO!""GO!" "GO!" and then the coaches get involved."If one of you doesn't go in the next three seconds, you're both staying after practice."

129) You've had a conversation that's gone like this: "Hey, great race!" "Wait, let me get my pants." That's always fun to explain.

128) There is nothing, absolutely nothing, thana pair of pants right out of the dryer. Okay, except maybe when it rains so hard practice gets cancelled.

127)You've almost found yourself in tears walking up 3 stairs because you're so sore from practice. You get fun looks at the mall.

126) 10:00 on a summer night is late. All you think is, "I have to get up for practice in 7 hours...I have to get up for practice in six hours..."

125) Your biggest fear becomes not heights or snakes or planes (or snakes on said plane) but hairballs. No explanation needed.

124) You're better at writing on your arm/hand than you are on paper. Too bad we can't turn in essays we wrote on our arm...

123) Breakfast on Saturdays consists of a granola bar, a handful of cereal, and grapes that you mooch off of your friend. Can't eat anything else or you can't swim well.

122) Ribbons. I have bazillions. And honestly, they get a little teeny tiny bit old after a while.

121) You tend to abbreviate already short words. No one else understands what "fly bk br (ex)fr" stands for.

120) You know the fastest way to get make up off if you fall asleep with it on. Please note I never said you wouldn't look likea raccoon at practice.

119) 2000s It's a bad idea to anger the coaches, cuz you end up swimming them.

118) You become a very easy-to-torture person. No knives or guns required. All you need to do is drive us to a pool, give us a cap and goggles and say, "SWIM!"

117) You don't find it strange when people slap you in strange places. It happens.

116) You don't have to go to Antartica to experience arctic mornings. Save yourself the airfare and come to practice.

115) You know exactly which direction "down" and "back" are. It's hard to remember no one else does.

114) As soon as you get dry, you have to swim again.The coaches plan it that way.

113) Mandals (Not a typo. Think about it). Guys, please, please, please. STOP WEARING SANDALS.

112) People frequently mistake you for a professional camper. Yes, I can put up and take down a tent in less than five minutes. It's what happens after six years of swim.

111) Breathing drills. It's a really, really good time to say to the coaches, "well, excuse me for breathing." and actually literally mean it.

110) Drop-second 50s. Agh.

109) When the coaches stand by your lane during practice and talk, with a lot of pointing in your general direction. No, I was on time today, I refuse to do push ups.

108) Wednesday night meets. Stupid bug bites are always places you can't reach.

107) When someone says 'IM' you don't think 'Instant Message'or "I am."No, you think 'Individual Medley' and you run screaming from the room. "PLEASE!!DON'T MAKE MESWIM THAT!!!NOT AGAIN!!"

106) Meet line-ups. You always know what the coaches thought about you at practice that week. "Look! I'm swimming an IM and the 100 free...I guess he didn't like it I showed up a minute and half late..."

105) You drink lots and lots of Amp. It's a swim thing

104) Your coach says a lot of stupid things at meets. The one we just had in the rain... "This is character building! If you can survive this, you can succeed at anything in life! I'm not kidding, my wife went into labor at 4 am and I sat there the whole time, 'once I did 500 IMs in the rain, this isn't so bad!'" Yeah, okay...swim meet...childbirth...swim meet...child birth...swim meet in the rain...child birth...sorry,I'm gonna say childbirth is harder there.

103) It's an "individual team sport." Okay...

102) No sleepovers. I mean, unless your friends want to get up at 5:30 so you can be at the pool by 6.

101) Practice times. Does anyone in their right mind like getting up at 6 am to swim?

100) Hairballs. They're gigantic. They have minds of their own. Filters don't like them.

99) The coaches. If you're such a great swimmer, why don't you join us?

98) How practices are such a workout, it hurts to eat anything afterwards. Sorry, but those saltine crackers just aren't doin' it for me.

97) How once it doesn't hurt to eat, you feel too guilty to eat cuz you don't want to put on all those calories you just burned off. Cupcake...cupcake...ooh...look,a tree...must...not...eat...cupcake...

96) Those people who swim that much slower or the same speed as you. MOVE TO A DIFFERENT LANE! LET ME PASS YOU! SWIM FASTER!! AAAAAAH!

95) Caps. No explanation needed.

94) The people who you KNOW you've passed AT LEAST five times but they cheat and stop in the middle of the lane and cut you off so they end up in front of you again. Rawr.

93) The people who sit out a lap or two and take up the whole wall. Don't get mad at me when I kick you in the ribs doing a flipturn. You had that coming.

92) The people that swim on the wrong side of the lane. It's amusing on escalators, not at practice.

91) Flipturns. Not all of us are tall enough to flip at the 'T' on the floor of the pool.

90) The people on the team in general. They're either your best friends or you can't stand them.

89) Backstroke flipturns. I can't even see where I'm going and you want me to do a flipturn?

88) People cheering for you. Did you hear me cheering?!? Um...no, my head was underwater the whole time.

87) There's practice, rain or shine. Doesn't matter if it's raining, you'll be wet anyway!

86) The parents that show up at practice and just stand there and stare at you, like, "wow, it's amazing! They're in a pool" Especially the ones with the donuts and the newspapers...they're the worst. Keep it up and you're coming in with us.

85) How the interval clock always seems to be facing in a direction that you can't see it. Then you hear about not making intervals. Sorry I can't see through a drop slide. I'll work on that in the future.

84) Stride 50s. Then, you get back to the wall "I WAS IN FRONT OF YOU! NO I WAS!"

83) Relays. Why is always fast person...fast person...person I hate...me?

82) Relay starts. Wait, wait...you want me to jump OVER her?

81) When the coaches don't stack relays. Slow person...slow person...slower person...ME!

80) When the coaches put the slowest person on a relay for anchor. Anchor's just supposed to mean you swim last, not you drag the whole team down.

79) How no one puts their stuff in the same place every day. Can't it be like lunch at school and everyone sorta just sits in the same spot every day even though you don't have to?

78) We don't have to wait for the lifeguards to be in their chair before we can get in the pool. The coaches will just point out that everyone there can swim and if someone starts drowning someone else can get them.

77) Swim meets in the rain. I'm sorry, but I like my towel to be DRY when I get out of the pool, not wetter than I am.

76) You know the true purpose, other than eating, for Teddy Grahams and yogurt covered cheerios. They still think they were bugs.

75) "Let's do 10 75s on the 1:15, leave on the 35!" Yeah, I didn't get it either.

74) Number 75 actually made sense to you, and you can tell me exactly how many laps and total yards that is... WITHOUT a calculator (The correct answer is 30 laps,750 yards)

73) How most swimmers only seem in their element in the pool and are ridiculously uncoordinated elsewhere. Yeah, I can barely walk up stairs without hurting myself.

72) People don't understand the answers to the questions they ask. "So what stroke do you swim?" "Well, everything, but I like fly (for the sake of discussion)" "-stares blankly- "

71) Band-aids don't stay on. This is especially bad for me, seeing as I go through band-aids like a fish through water. Pun not intended.

70) It's cold in the morning. Not everyone enjoys being an ice cube.

69) Getting out of the pool. I have bruises on my leg. Everyone's always "WHAT HAPPENED?!" "Um... I swim?"

68) How no pools are the same depth. You've got four feet to dive into at one pool and fifteen at another?

67) Lane lines. You know, when you re-did the pool and got the team new lane lines, you just had to get the ones with the spikes, didn't you?

66) Fly. I think I dislocated my shoulder.

65) Backstroke. Can't...see...how much farther...to the wall-hits head-

64) Backstroke flags. I don't care what you tell me, they are NOT the same distance from the wall at every pool.

63) How long you have to stand on the blocks at practice. No real starter holds you on the block for five minutes, "Lane seven curl your toes over the edge, Lane three you're old enough to do a track start...Everyone look at Lane five, that's a good track start there..."

62)Standing backstroke starts. Yeah, backflops...they hurt.

61) How swim's only 2 ½ months of the year. By the time it starts next year, no one remembers who anyone is.

60) Goggles. Mine have the uncanny ability to snap at the worst possible times, such as right before a race.

59) Practice throws off your sense of time. No normal people think 7:45 in the morning is late.

58) Men in Speedos. I really, really didn't want to see that.

57) You tend to get song verses stuck in your head.Because as much as I love The Cab, I don't want to be singing "Word is I got away and now I must be caught...Word is I got away and now I must be caught..." over and over all day.

56) Blocks. Why can't they be the same at every pool?

55) Kickboards. Okay, 8 and unders, let's go over this again-the BIG kickboards are for the BIG swimmers, the LITTLE kickboards are for YOU!

54) Those people that always to stop in the middle of the lane. I'm swimming over you next time.

53) Those one or two seconds where your lane is the only one not finished with the set and everyone stares. May your lane be next.

52) The hotline number we're supposed to call to see if we have practice or not never ever gets updated. It'll be 9,000 degrees and sunny outside and it'll be, "there is no practice today due to thunderstorms in the area!"

51) That it's impossible to breathe right after the person in front of you kicks. I mean, I know I practically live in the pool, but I still have not grown gills and can't breathe water.

50) Breaststroke during practice. It's impossible to kick properly without kicking someone in the ribs. Lanes are NOT that big.

49) It takes the fun out of going to the pool for fun. I mean, I live there.

48) It makes swimming without a cap and goggles bizarre. Hey...why can't I see underwater anymore? Why is my hair wet?

47) Chlorine makes your hair icky. And while UltraSwim does a lot, my hair still smells like chlorine. And I put in pretty smelling shampoo afterwards too.

46) Swimming against your friends on different teams. On the plus side, if you beat them, you get bragging rights.

45) You find out EXACTLY which muscles you haven't developed. All in one day, too.

44) When you're on the blocks right next to the diving board...Doing relay starts. Please don't let me hurt myself...please don't let me hurt myself...

43) When you're on the blocks and it's "take your mark...stand up." -Falls in-

42) False starts. Especially when they call it after you jump in and it's cold and you have to get back out.

41) It's addicting. Even when you go to the pool for fun, you feel like you should be racing.

40) You never ever get to sleep in. Even on Sundays when there's no practice, you're STILL up at 6 am running around thinking you're late to practice.

39) You react funny when you're late to places "Why are you ten seconds late?" "PLEASE! NOT MORE PUSH UPS!!!"

38) The occasional frog that feels the need to join us at practice. I know my breaststroke sucks, but really? Now you're just rubbing it in.

37) You live off of the Energy VitaminWater. Haha...me? Noo...

36) You know more or less the exact location of every public pool within ten miles. Haha...yes, yes I do have a life...Um...Yeah...

35) Michael Phelps. I mean, I guess I should thank you, cuz now (some) people actually realize swim IS a sport and you CAN do it competitively, but come on, you make it look so easy.

34) People STILL don't know swim is a sport. "So do you do any sports?" "I swim." "Oh that's a nice work out, it's so good for you." "Yeah, it's at strange hours though.""Well, why don't you just go to the gym later?"

33) Itasca must ALWAYS be an away meet because they have the best pizza places nearby. Except it's only an away meet every other year.

32) There is constantly water in your ear and you can never hear anyone properly. "Do you want to go to a movie?" "I will not date your grandma!!"

31) You lose the ability to count by any number other than 25. "2...4...150...175...200..."

30.5) You know where the '150' in number 31 came from, and know that it's not just a random multiple of 25. (2 (50s) X 3 (times) = 150)

30) Taking down tents and packing up on Wednesday night meets. No one can ever see anything. "Do you have a flashlight?" "Yeah, let me just pull one out of my pocket. Wait, do you have a flashlight? I can't see."

29) DQ's. And I don't mean frozen dairy treats.

28) How, even after a race, the coaches always have something to fix about what you just swam. "-gets out of pool gasping for air-" "You need to take longer strokes, your flipturn was horrible..."

27) No breather 25s. Wait, wait, I just swam a 300 sprint, and now you want me to do a 25 without air? I can't even breathe and I'm not even doing anything!

26) Theconcession stand. If you don't want us eating cookies and candy or drinking pop during the meets, WHY DO YOU SELL IT?! Oh, and that pizza always looks sooo good.

25) Small siblings at the meet. "How much longerrrrrr? How much longerrrrrr? Why do you have to keep bringing your friends over here???"

24) When people write EAT MY BUBBLES!'on my back in Sharpie. Yes, I might have told you it was okay, but that doesn't mean you get to sit there and use all the ink in my Sharpies and mash the points in and draw fireballs on my back and stuff.

23) Sharpie does NOT come off your back. Last year, I couldn't get it off, and when I finally did get it off, I literally had 'EAT MY BUBBLES!' tan-lined into my back, cuz I guess sun can't get through Sharpie.

22) Strange tan lines from the suits. I mean, I guess it could be worse, but they always look funny when you wear your regular suit.

21)You become a professional at getting Sharpie out of stuff. I am now officially a professional at getting it off of leather car seats, swim suits, and skin (more or less)

20) You also become a professional at drawing bubbles on people's backs. That's about the only thing I CAN draw.

19) You start responding better to your last name than to your first name. I've accidentally introduced myself to people by my last name before.

18) No one actually knows how you score points. I once heard winning a relay was ten points, second was five, and anything after that didn't count.

17) You never actually find out if you won or lost. Unless you beg and plead with the coaches. Usually they don't even know.

16) Red, white, and blue are NOT just America's colors. No! They are DIVISIONS!

15) Team cheers. Yeah, for my team's, what, exactly, does San Diego have to do with anything?

14) There's really not much to do at swim meets. Unless it's waterproof or in a plastic bag or meant to get wet, it does NOT come to swim meets.

13)You always get funny looks from joggers when you're at practice, like, "what did you, break and enter into the pool?" Well, it kinda looks to me like you forgot to put on some pants before you left the house...wait, those are jogging shorts? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought they were underwear.

12) People never really consider swim a sport anyway, cuz you're not moving the entire time and it's not divided into periods and quarters. Well, you know what, we don't have substitutions or time outs or anything either. And football players, we hold our OWN water bottles.

11) Pool water tastes icky. Even when you're not trying to drink it you do.

10) It is IMPOSSIBLE to win the Lucky Duck Races. Unless you have $100 to buy every single duck.

9) When you go off the blocks and your goggles come off. Then, you swim into a wall because you can't stop and fix them and you can't see.

8) Caps snap. Apparently, it does happen.

7) When someone in your relay gets your relay DQ'd. Somehow, it is alwaysyour fault, even though the girl before you not only was in the water ten seconds before the other girl touched the wall, but she swam fly instead of breaststroke.

6) The suck-ups and the coach's pets. Yes, swim team has them too.

5) When you feel like you did AMAZING, then get your times. Yeah, suddenly, not so good.

4) Facing your coach after missing your race. "PLEASE! PLEASE!!! NOT MORE PUSH UPS! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!"

3) You tend to learn things the hard way. Just because there is a bug on top of your tent does NOT mean you spray bug spray up there. What goes up must come down.

2) You've understood more or less half of these. It's okay. We'll all get help together.

And finally...the number one reason......

1)99.999% of the swimmers reading this love swim too much to quit.




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