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Helpful Life Lessons

Essay By: swimFire
Humor



Just some random things I've learned. Updated frequently so check back often for more :)


Submitted:Jun 8, 2009    Reads: 4,739    Comments: 10    Likes: 4   


  1. Blasting songs that your parents don't like for any length of time will not help your cause.
  2. Bars *waves hands* are bad.
  3. There is no such thing as messy, it's called organizationally challenged.
  4. Even if the voices aren't real they still have good ideas.
  5. Pushing people into bubbling mud pits and/or off the top of buildings will not help your cause.
  6. Walking into doors/walls hurts. Avoid at all costs.
  7. You will never find your missing sock.
  8. Don't wash black and white laundry at the same time.
  9. Restraining orders are not always effective.
  10. Police departments do not give away straitjackets, even if you know half of the officers there
  11. Mental hospitals do not give tours of the squishy room unless you live there.
  12. Talking to yourself is allowed until you start having 2 sided conversations.
  13. Having conversations with song names (e.g. Stop Staring or we'll have a Situation that's Far From Beautiful and we'll be Up All Night and may be forced to Do It Deadly) is a good reason to get your head checked.
  14. It is generally a bad idea to tell teachers who you like
  15. That guy you like will always walk in during the bad conversations that can easily be taken out of context.
  16. Baseball umpires overshine their shoes.
  17. Cameron IS A BOY'S NAME!!!!
  18. Cameron moved to Holland and is not coming back and I need to accept that.
  19. Legos will not amuse the average 13 year old for ten hours.
  20. Your best friends will always look for your diary keys. Keep hidden.
  21. Inviting yourself to other people's parties is not good.
  22. After 21 comes 22, not 30.
  23. 23 comes after 22. This may be helpful to know for math class.
  24. Famous people don't check their emails.
  25. Whatever you are looking for (except your missing sock) is probably somewhere in your locker at school.
  26. Using a lot of different sprays/gels/mousses in your hair may cause your hair to smell good but you still shouldn't eat it.
  27. It is a really, really, really bad idea to run at the guy you like screaming that you are hitchhiking to California, especially after telling him his hair smells good. Please note you barely talk to him.
  28. Your great grandma will talk forever given the chance.
  29. Learning to jump on horseback is not fun if you are 200+ miles from home, not expecting it, and are practically on the side of a cliff.
  30. Don't waste post its- note cards and loose leaf are much more fun to rip into small pieces!
  31. Screaming while on the phone is not a good idea.
  32. You will always be weirder than your neighbors.
  33. Repeatedly asking someone the same question may cause annoyance.
  34. Listerine burns.
  35. Make-Your-Own-Root-Beer kits, however much the person meant well, smell and taste like beer, and explode all over your best friend.
  36. Monopoly is a play-to-win game. You play to win or you don't play.
  37. Spoons (it's a card game) may also get that way if playing with my cousins.
  38. You will never meet them. (especially not at a bar *waves hands*)
  39. Chocolate covered gummy bears are substanciliciously awesome. CJ may fight you for them.
  40. As awesome as CJ's guitar strap and guitar are, you can't have them.
  41. Scuba Steph sounds better than Scuba Lauren.
  42. D-Rock does not actually love you.
  43. Brush your teeth.
  44. Biting people is bad.
  45. Jeff is crazy. Do not poke.
  46. Elmo watches you when you sleep.
  47. Rabbits bite. Said bites leave scars.
  48. Squirrels also bite.
  49. Don't play with your pet fish.
  50. You and your mom will never agree on your clothes
  51. You and your dad will not usually agree on the music in the car.
  52. Once the short bus decides it wants you to join it, it will be everywhere (true story)
  53. Short busses have afterburners.
  54. They can also disguise themselves (those last two and this one are non-explainable, sorry)
  55. There is only ONE 'r' in 'romance', thus...it is not pronounced roar-mance. Sorry, CJ
  56. Not all New Yorkers have New York accents. Push Play, for example.
  57. Do not annoy the author-she may put you in a book and kill you.
  58. There is no possible way to avoid 'In my day...' stories.
  59. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will always see those random bad baby pictures.
  60. When making timelines for school, don't let the teacher hang them up in the hall, especially not if you look bad in most of the photos and/or you have baby pictures on them.
  61. Singing while you write is hard to do- do not attempt. Especially not while doing homework or your teacher may find themselves reading song lyrics instead of that three page essay you were supposed to write.
  62. REAL campfires DO NOT turn off. That requires water.
  63. Obsessively writing strange song verses on your notebooks may be a good reason to see a professional.
  64. I do not answer my cell phone.
  65. Most girls have an embarrassing flower girl story (at least at my school)
  66. Dana's mom does not approve of strapless dresses.
  67. Don't die blonde hair blue without bleaching the part that's going to be blue first.
  68. Repeatedly asking for something will not get it.
  69. Hamsters are easily confused and can easily be taught to hide in shoes or closets.
  70. Who says you can't go home?
  71. You will never live down the stupid things you did as a little kid.
  72. Peteranswers.com does NOT actually read your mind.
  73. Having three hour conversations about nanny cams is a good reason to get your head checked.
  74. Staying up for 32 hours straight is bad.
  75. Write nicely on the ISAT and AP tests.
  76. When stunting for cheerleading, have someone you know backspot for you until you're up in at least a half, then let someone that knows what they're doing take over
  77. If Dana is backspotting, consider yourself dead.
  78. Hannah Montana has no talent (And I'm prepared for the hate mail)
  79. The Jonas Brothers will not give you their iPhones (Don't ask.)
  80. Nick Jonas is on spiked Powerade. Then Joe tried to suffocate me. (PS Jonas Brothers, if you're randomly somehow reading this, you had to be there.)
  81. If you have five+ cats you're probablycrazy.
  82. Multimedia events consist of more than a bed sheet and a slide projector (at least according to Veggie Tales)
  83. Cebus are not real.
  84. Larry will never find his hairbrush.
  85. Teachers actually really don't live at school.
  86. No one can remember anything good that happened in Kindergarten.
  87. Anything you find funny will generally not be amusing to your parents.
  88. Jaguar dealers will not give you the big shiny jaguar in front of the dealership.
  89. Don't get pizza from Wu's oriental buffet
  90. If you give a baby a shiny object, they will spit up on it.
  91. Use caution when shouting at the TV during a basketball game- the players apparently can hear you (according to my cousin.)
  92. No one in their right mind has heard of Bill Murray. (I stand corrected on this one-everyone has heard of Bill Murray except me.)
  93. It is a bad idea to get Windex in your eye.
  94. Monkeys don't actually buy movie tickets for you, they go to Netflix.
  95. Dropping toothpaste all over the carpet is a bad idea, especially if the carpet is white.
  96. Dropping your cell phone down a flight of stairs may not cause it to break but should be avoided
  97. For the safety of yourself and others, do not attempt to run in flip-flops
  98. When TP'ing and/or leaving signs in someone's yard, do so AFTER DARK and be ready to get out of the car, do what you need to do, and leave. Sitting in front of the house may attract negative attention.
  99. There IS a such thing as a Hot Dog Nazi, they are found at racetracks near my house during thunderstorms
  100. There actually IS real food at nursing homes
  101. Always say hello to Dex, the yellow pages guy
  102. It's a MANGIRL not a he-she
  103. Running in to and/or out of a bank looks suspicious
  104. Especially if you're wearing black
  105. If you're going to hide something, make sure you can find it later.
  106. If someone tells you to go east, and points in a direction other than east, do NOT follow their directions
  107. Do not take small children to see the Dark Knight
  108. When you're babysitting and the parents say to put the kids to bed "whenever," that does NOT mean midnight or later.
  109. Telling your cousin's fiance that you think your little brother is annoying, especially whenyour brother'sstanding right there, will NOT help the problem.
  110. If you're going to dogsit someone's dog, make sure they give you the right code for their alarm. It doesn't go well otherwise.
  111. That 'ask and you shall recieve' thing? Doesn't work.
  112. Swim meets in the rain suck.
  113. Yelling at someone is 110 times more efficient if your voice doesn't break mid sentence.
  114. Microwaving string cheese makes it taste funny
  115. It's physically impossible to make a microwave smell good
  116. It's a bad idea to have caffiene right before bad
  117. It's generally a bad idea to like the same guy as your best friend
  118. Summer reading books for school always suck, without fail
  119. Your parents will call and check your story.
  120. Adding extra chocolate chips to brownie mix doesn't always make them taste better.
  121. It's a good idea to remember to let the dog out.
  122. The proper term is transvestite.
  123. Nothing on your to do list will actually ever get done. Do it while you're thinking about it.
  124. Bringing small starving bands food will get you new best friends, even if it's only Kool Aid Jammers.
  125. It's a very bad idea to wait till 3 am to do your final project.
  126. Make sure your four page essay is saved before you close it.
  127. Reading this list will not solve every single one of your problems. However, you may learn something.
  128. If it's too good to be true, it probably is.
  129. Sending someone six-text text messages is a little bit annoying.




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