Russell: (Using an English accent, endorsing exaggeration, & doning ridiculous clothes) Say, dearest, would you come out here for a moment? I've got a bit of a surprise for ya. (Pause) Why not? Oh them? (Indicatesaudience) They're just well-wishers, come to wish us congratulations on our first year of marriage, don't you know? (Directly to audience) That is why you've come, isn't it? You can't well expect me to lie to me own wife on our very own first anniversary, now can ya? (Pause) Very well then, good to know, good to know. Now, as I was saying dearest, I've got you a present I did. Can you guess what it is?" (Pause) No, dearie, it's not a major credit card with your name on it, 0% interest, and an unlimited credit line. (To audience; stage whisper) I'm not that stupid. No, it's not a baby blue convertible with genuine leather seats, either. (To audience; stage whisper) Just what exactly does she thing I do for a living, anyway? No, it's not your wedding ring I've been promising you for well over a year now. (To audience; stage whisper) Although I really should get her one of those. If I'm not careful she may just run out on me, although I dont see how any woman in her right mind could do that. I mean, look at me. (Poses as if he's looking in a mirror admiring himself) Do you give up, dearie? (Pause) Oh boy, you're going to love it. (Holding up a pair of socks) It's a brand new pair of Hanes-Her-Way socks. What do you think, dearie, do you like them? (Pause) But dearie, they were the most expansive pair in the store, don't you know. I practically had to max out me own credit card for them. (To audience; stage whisper) That will show her I'm not cheap. I know you expected so much more for our first anniversary but let's be reasonable, dearie. You know what teachers are being paid nowadays, especially here in England. You can't expect me to buy you too much on a wage that barely feeds the two of us. But, dearie, even though you don't like the socks, I was wondering if perhaps I could ask a wee bit of a favor from you. Surely you know my mother? (Long pause) Now dearie, you mustn't talk about mother like that! She's to be the grandmother of our children, don't you know? Anyway, I just felt that with the holidays coming soon maybe she could come stay with us for a wee bit. Surely you won't mind attending to her every need, will you, dearie? (Pause) What do you mean, where will I be? At work of course. I go back directly after the holidays, don't you know? (Pause) I don't rightly know what you're supposed to do with her but dearie, even though she is pushing up to 100 years old and smells like a hospital, she can keep up with the best of them, guaranteed. Besides, it would just be for the rest of the month......all of next year, tops, I promise. (Long pause) So am I to take that as a 'no'? (Pause; Hangs head for a moment, then shouts) Very well then, dearie, you can forget about Hanes-Her-Way socks for your anniversary present next year!
(Author's note; no offense is meant toward the good people of England by the production of this monologue. Inspiration came from the author's brother who is a great guy but perhaps is a little too thrifty. In this act, of course, the cheap factor has been exaggerated for the sake of humor. No offense is meant towards those who are careful with their money.)