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Excuse Me? What Did You Say?

Miscellaneous By: brucek

A traffic cop has "one of those nights."

Submitted:Mar 6, 2014    Reads: 45    Comments: 10    Likes: 4   

A Police officer pulls a car to the side of the road that has been driving erratically. When he walks up to the driver's side window and taps it with his flashlight, the widow rolls down.

DRIVER: Is there a problem, officer?

OFFICER: Step out of the car, ma'am.

DRIVER: Have I done ... your lips are hairy shower curtains ... something wrong?

OFFICER: Excuse me? What did you say?

DRIVER: What? I asked if I'd ... my tortillas speak with a Swedish accent ... done something illegal.

OFFICER: Just step out of the car.

DRIVER: Yes sir.

The driver exits her car with a bewildered look on her face.

OFFICER: Have you been drinking tonight?

DRIVER: No! I just go off work ... I'll let you pet my hamster if you step in lemon pie ... and I was on my way home. I never drink and drive.

OFFICER: Ma'am, are you on any medication? Are you seeing a physician?

DRIVER: What are you talking about? Can I ask why you pulled me over?

OFFICER: Let me see your driver's license and proof of insurance, please.

DRIVER: Of ... walla, walla hand grenades ... course.

She hands her information to the patrol officer and he examines them with his flashlight.

OFFICER: Is there someone you can call to drive you home?

DRIVER: Why on earth do ... I was a little girl when the Martians ate my dog ... I need to do that? What traffic laws did I break?

OFFICER: Just about all of them. Why don't you calm down and give me the number of someone who can come and get you.

DRIVER: I'm perfectly ... ping pong balls in the pudding ... capable of driving myself home.

OFFICER: If someone doesn't come to drive you home, you'll force me to take you in to the station.

DRIVER: I've never been arrested in my life! I haven't done ... oh look, I can whistle with my eyebrows ... anything wrong!

OFFICER: It's your choice, but you're not driving anywhere tonight.


The driver enters a number on her cell phone and waits.

Hey. I got pulled over ...

Please! I'm completely sober ...

He won't let me drive ...

I don't know ...

At Riverside and Sixth ...

I don't know. Just get over here ...


OFFICER: Okay, good. Have a seat in the back of the patrol car.

DRIVER: Seriously, do you ... Tinker bell farted pixie dust in my sandwich ... think I'm going to make a break for it?

OFFICER: Just sit down in the car. You're giving me a head ache.

The woman enters the back of the patrol car and the officer slams the door shut. He leans against the outside of the door and breathes a sigh of relief. Twenty minutes later, a pickup truck pulls in behind the officer's car and a man exits.

MAN: What is going on, officer?

OFFICER: Is this your wife?

MAN: No, I'm her psychiatrist. I've been looking everywhere for her.

OFFICER: Thank goodness. She shouldn't be driving.

MAN: Yes sir, I know. I'll take her back to the hospital right away. Thank you.

OFFICER: I'm glad no one got hurt.

MAN: I'll take care of her.

The officer opens the patrol car door and the psychiatrist helps the woman into the pickup truck. As the truck begins to pull away, the psychiatrist rolls down his window, leans his head out and waves to the officer.

MAN: Bing bang boodle, someone ate my noodles!

OFFICER: (to himself) Now why doesn't that surprise me?


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