Have you ever wondered how the English language was first spoken? I know I have. After thinking long and hard, I've come up with a theory. I like coming up with theories, especially the kind no one can prove is wrong. They're always the best. The more I think about my new theory, the more certain I am that I'm correct.
This is my theory: Primitive man learned to speak English one letter at a time, starting with the letter "e". I believe this happened many thousands of years ago, back when our ancestors lived in leaky huts, and had to fight wild animals. Of course, with only the one letter, all he ever managed to say was "eeeeeeeee!", which, as luck would have it, was exactly what needed to be said when the wild animals attacked. It took hundreds of years before he discovered another letter, "h," and used it to find out what all the screaming was about by saying "eh?" Now the alphabet started to form more quickly when "y" was discovered, and "hey!" was shouted by annoyed neighbors over all the racket. Once conflicts arose between neighboring huts, there was a need for a new word for people to explain who was truly to blame. That was when "t" was discovered, and the word "they" was first used. Before too much longer, everyone was shouting and arguing with everyone else, and the English language was, for the first time, being spoken.
I'm not sure yet how words were first written down, but I'm going to think about it for a while and come up with another theory. I'll call it "Bruce's Theory." Sounds great, doesn't it? I think it does, or at least that's my theory, anyway.