The True Zombie Survival Guide
So, now you're a zombie. Maybe you prefer to think of yourself as living impaired, undead, reanimated tissue, or Larry. It doesn't matter if you were infected due to a bite, an open wound, chemical spill, or bath products that were used counter to their specified purpose. Whatever the case may be, you are infected. Now the question becomes: How do you survive in this world that hates and fears you?
That's where the True Zombie Survival Guide comes in. After all, all you are looking for at this point is a decent meal, and possibly the continuation of your species. Who could fault you for that? Here are a few rules that might help in these goals.
- Head to Hollywood. There are always zombie movies shooting, and even when there are none, no one will think twice about an 'extra' practicing their role in town. You can eat freely, because anyone that witnesses the action with just think that it's part of a shoot. If nothing else, you may end up with a job, because in Hollywood, who knows what might happen!
- Head to a Comic Convention. These work out like mini-Hollywood's. No one will think twice about you shuffling along, and you'll probably win a contest or two. You just might end up with people willingly coming up to you and asking to be your 'victim'. Never turn down food that is this easy. Even if the people do not offer themselves to you, when you grab them, you will have a cheering section. It will be the most fun you've ever had in your afterlife.
- Don't fear the gamers. All of these people that have played zombie killing games and think they are prepared for you will be easy pickings. They believe that winning a game that is designed for them to win will help them take you out. They are wrong. Life does not work out the way it does in video games. Holding a game controller does not translate directly to accuracy with a firearm. Do not fear these people.
- Avoid certain states for the time being. There will be a time when you can go freely into this wide world, but this is not yet that time. You need to first shore up your numbers, and that means going to states less known for guns. Avoid Texas, New York, Illinois, and Arizona. That leaves you plenty of other areas in which you can find sustenance, and convert others to your current dead-style. After you have a sizable group, feel free to make a trip of it and see the world!
- Learn group dynamics. Now that you have a large group with you, it is important to know where in that group you belong. If you are in the front of the group, you have the best chance of getting fresh food, but you also have the best chance of being shot in the head. In the back of the group, you are fairly safe from random projectiles, but you also may not get much in the way of tasty treats. Stick to the middle of the group. This is the area where those with ammunition usually run out and start to panic. Enjoy the meal, and then allow yourself to fall back to the middle of the crowd. It's also good to remember that the person that was a snack today may be shuffling along beside you tomorrow. Don't hold a grudge if they had previously taken shots at you.
Now that you have read the True Zombie Survival Guide, you are ready to go out and make the most of your time in this world. We hope you are able to fully utilize the information provided for you and that you have a long and happy afterlife. Please pass this information along to other members of the undead that may be struggling with their new role in society. Don't take un-death too seriously, and remember to play with your food.
Thank you, and braaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssssss!