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The Guide of Australia to Texas

Miscellaneous By: Don Vito Corleone
Humor



I go to Texas for holiday...eh? They no proper English!...eh? Because they wouldn't like the real history of Australia, so I made a fake one for Texas!...eh?

Your's truly...Don Vito Corleone.

(Tip: Spelling isn't edited...eh? Find an error, and tell me where it is...eh?)


Submitted:Apr 25, 2008    Reads: 165    Comments: 2    Likes: 2   


The Guide of Australia to Texas

Discovery

In 1913 India found Australia, when they forced an elephant to unknown waters on a barge advertising a British pornography magazine. After the elephant was shipwrecked and bla bla bla. The first British bloke in Australia was Steve Irwin, at 18 years old. He captured many exotic animals, made vegemite and declared war on the Aborigines. His stunning life ended when he was killed by a koala with a shotgun at the age of 26. In 1956 25 British men created the Australian constitution, they contained these 4 laws:

No.1 law

If you see an Aborigine you must kill him, even if you have to use your bare hands. If you don't kill him or her you will be forced to fight a boxing kangaroo to the death at dawn.

No.2 law

You must have a pet which is either: a dingo, emu, koala, wombat, wallaby or a kangaroo (if you dare). If you don't own one of these animals as a pet you will be forced to fight a boxing kangaroo to the death at dawn.

No.3 law

You must play cricket on every Saturday morning; if not you will have fight the prime minister with boomerangs. The first one to cut off the opponent's head wins and as a prize is rewarded 20 pounds of vegemite and $400 Australian dollars.

No.4 law

Burning the Australian flag is punished by electric chair.

Australian constitution

The 25 Brits that made the constitution of Australia were heroes in there time of greatness and freedom. The leader of the group of people was called Sir R.J. Chamberlain (some guy from London). As you can see one of the member's, Larry .B. Drogheda (who was born in Texas) could not make the photo appearance because he had the mumps'. They called themselves "The New South Wales Imperialists Confederation", they were sent to parliament (Australian Congress), Canberra so they could get their constitution signed by the 59 delegates of parliament.

As they wrote they had to declare war on the owners of the country: The Aborigines and the Indians. This meant that parliament's magistrate; O. P. Numurka (An Aborigine) was outraged, along with 29 other Aborigine delegates. Suddenly G. H. Gerri (Head of the west Brisbane Vegemite Supply) grabbed a pistol out of his pocket and shot Numurka in the chest. Some of "The 25 Men" snatched their pistols and shot at the Aborigines and the 18 Indian members of parliament, which includes the Indian, Jamal Houck (The Governor of Western Australia). Soon there were 30 police men in parliament; they were shot down mostly by Sir Jerry Hampton's (Chief of the Australian Wildlife Board) elephant gun. Before long the butchery was over leaving: 26 dead policemen, 14 dead British delegates, 28 dead Aborigine delegates, 16 dead Indian delegates, 6 dead civilians and 0 dead of "The 25 Men". Total: 89 dead. This caused huge outrage all over Australia, with scattered riots nation wide injuring 8 million and killing 15 million. Then after 3 months things started to settle down, luckily Texas stepped into help and designed ditch combat. This conflict is formally known as "The Australian Rebellion", but most know it as World War I…

WW I / the Australian Rebellion.

After the millions of people that were killed in the riots Texas was f*****g pissed off and invaded India and all those other f*****g commies in this world including me, who is a supporter of the Marxist-Leninist system, but f**k that lets carry on with WW I. England joined the rebellion because they love Humble Pie, and 99.99999999999999995634% of Humble Pie is kangaroo testicles(the other.0000000000000004466 is people), so if they want Humble Pie there going to keep on helping Australians exporting the stuff. The rest of America joined the war when for no reason at all the most evil minds of all attacked Pearl Harbour (e.g. Adolf Hitler, Jack the Ripper and the Boogie Man). The next day the U.S of A. declared war on Iraq, Mexico, India, Aborigines and Communism for the good of the world. The Aboriginal community had a bright idea to win the war. This was their plan, they build thousands of factories in enemy territory underground, from there they will pump greenhouse gases into their part of the ozone layer, bringing in UV rays onto their land giving them a mini-ice age on rival terrain, killing the English, Australians and Americans, and they would win the war. But, the Aborigines tried this and failed because everyone knows global warming doesn't exist and that it is natural. They were taught a lesson when 80% of them were involved in a bloodbath which took them out of the war for good, it was called: Slaughter at Tennant Creek. The Aborigines at the time were having their once in a decade sex underwater month, as part of there religion. They decided all Aborigines should have sex underwater at Tennant Creek. R.J. Chamberlain planned an ambush that succeeded in everyway, except the fact that there were 20% of Aborigines left. Mexico gave up when England put lumpy porridge in there trousers. But the other three remained and caused a huge catastrophe. On the date 9/11/32 what-looked-like a dead 200 by 200 foot donkey was flown in by a guy called Jordan to the front porch US Congress. The president of the United States of America at the time, Andrew Jackson went to the donkey. He saw a digital clock on the donkey, like in the movie 24. His famous last words were "It's gonna blow!!!" It then made the biggest man-made explosion on this planet, killing 280 million. For46 year's people didn't know why a guy called Jordan would do that, until they found out that in 1978 Jordan was a country in the Middle East that they were enemies with. This was found out 45 years after the war had ended. When all looked lost, there was hope after all. Australia had trained two types of Animals: Upermongeeiunkamonkadobeewohbeebumbuumfart (the Australian word for a bull ant) and dragons. They would be able to use dragons to breathe fire on them, therefore boiling their blood while burning them to death. Then they would fall on the ground rolling inadvertently, in an effort to get the fire off, but the clothing is highly flammable. When all this is happening they yell the word: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They die looking like a huge pile of ash. All states of America (other than Texas) disagreed saying fire doesn't kill or harm people. This is what everyone thought (except the citizens of Texas) after the "Monkey Head of Wisdom" in 1921 was chewing on mouldy wombat testicles, then smashed his arm through a window; he bled very quickly and shouted "Owww un uunnn!!" Next he shat in his Apple Martini from Paris and slapped an Argentinean maid. According to the world famous Black Gospel Choir it was a sign that fire was good. The Choir made trillions after they made 12 albums about this moment. Australia and Texas ignored what America's House of Representatives had to say of the matter. They attacked the Middle East with an on side tactic with huge casualties. 100000 of the 100001 dragons were killed in the battle of the Middle East, and in that taking all their territory. Their last opponent was Communism and to make it harder all states of America (other than Texas) pulled out from the war. Australia needed to gather up more troops. They did that by if they join the army they can watch an up close and personal strip tease of Marilyn Munro, but after they've seen that they're stuck in the army for 10 years. At that point they were marketing military membership everywhere e.g. caps, boots, candy bars, wild animals, light bulbs, the ground, tattoos and coca-cola. Each either promoting military bonuses, pride in fighting full-on combat for your country, exciting voyages and adventures, learn how to survive in the wild and understand more about brand new electronics. The U.A.L. (Undomesticated Animals League) were horror-struck, by the reality that artists were painting on various parts of there body (including genitals and the inner mouth) when they slept. The leader of the group, Kangaroo with red trilby hat was furious and challenged the prime minister to a duel. If the Kangaroo with red trilby hat won he would become not only the 58th prime minister of Australia, but the 1st animal one. Kangaroo with red trilby hat was already planning that when or if he won, to change the name of the job to the: Primary Delegate of Plenipotentiary of the Modern Australian Confederation-Association. They took ten paces; the prime minister's bullet was shot by him right up on a 90 degree angle while the Kangaroo with red trilby hat's small lead projectile missed the prime minister by two inches. 2 hours later Kangaroo with red trilby hat grabbed his cell phone and called the Kookaburra Assassination Trade (K.A.T.) and told them to carry the bullet shot by the prime minister through the roof of his limo by clutching it and flying it down with force which caused the round of ammunition to go through his head. His un-stuffed body rots today at Geelong State Exhibition Hall since its delivery on July 3rd 1935. It has decayed so badly some of the 23 visitors have died from the diseases spread over the corpse. The ones who survived had mistaken the carcass for a zombie costume from the repulsive motion picture Dawn of the Dead. The new Primary Delegate Plenipotentiary of the Modern Australian Confederation-Association (P.D.P.M.A.C.A.) immediately changed the advertising law and also altered what was on their currency: the $1 coin: from the porno personality, Georga Bushoo to some fat, tender and succulent kangaroo; the $2 coin from Fosters beer to a "peaceful" Aborigine; the $5 banknote- from he first trampoline made in existence to a stubborn bitch from the British Commonwealth and the crappy Australian Congress; $10 banknote from the happy site of a rabbit shot in mid-air to a lousy and old fart. Basically Australia's original banknotes and dollar coins had old farts placed on them. Kangaroo with red trilby hat introduced the "Anarchist Revolution" as a form of administration. This pulled all the troops out of the war. The budget before was: 96%- Military, 2% Transportation and Public Construction, 1% Farming, 0.7% Education and 0.3% Heath and Safety. As you can see there is a perfect balance in the budget, but Kangaroo with red trilby hat's "Anarchist Revolution" ruined the magnificent stability of our budget to: %3- Military, %17- Transportation and Public Construction, 18% Farming, 33% Education and 39% Heath and Safety. The people immediately over threw the administration in a matter of days, 75% had been cut out of the budget and Texas troops came over to Australia and brought "Bellicose Regulation" to help the people. The Anarchists were even more pissed off at the Texan troops than Kangaroo with red trilby hat, and to top it off the famous "Monkey Infantry of 1964" with all the 2500 monkeys with daggers and a 350 year old pistol had invaded Townsville and North Adelaide, killing 10,000 insurrectionists. Various other insurrectionist groups encouraged the general public of the nation to join in the "Australian and Northern Pacific Islands Insurgence" It was pretty easy to join. All you had to do was write your name, address, and phone number, date of birth and date of registration. You were armed with a rifle with only 75 rounds of ammunition last your whole service and an 8 ½ ounce bomb. You would be paid $20 for your service of working 7 days a week for four hours a day (you get an extra 2 hours of work on Monday's because that's riot day). They were appropriately offered a dog who burps with a cloudy tail and a toy penguin that has a cassette tape stuffed in it and placed on a loop with 3 messages.

No.1: Go back to New Jersey Kangaroo with Red Trilby Hat!

No.2 Go Fosters, VB and Coopers! Whoooo Whoo Whoo!!!

No.3 Kangaroo meat is an indispensable source of food and cricket rules! Fuck off soccer!

The director of the Australian and Northern Pacific Islands Insurgence was Earl of Mount Isa. His funds were supported by: the King of England, 5% of the levy paid by the folks of Mount Isa, Parliament, the W.E.U. (World Erotica Union), the 21-30 Year Old Tic Tac Toe Society, the Betty Boop Ashtrays Guild and Enron. At that time there were 79,000 recruits and with equipment would cost all together 0.8 billion dollars. So Earl of Mount Isa told his fellow insurgents to force the populace to "bestow" $950 to the "cause". Many people had an IQ of about 75-110 at that time so when asked to bestow they answered "Isn't the Australian and Northern Pacific Islands Insurgence a banned group?" But the witty insurgent would cleverly answer back "No, not a banned group, an illicit council, Sir" The person then thought because the insurgent had said some of words he did not understand he must be right! After the financial support from the people there were many blood-spattered battles e.g. Carnage at Carnarvon, Movement on Mount Isa and Butchery at Bougainville Island.

But Kangaroo with Red Trilby Hat had one last trick up his left eye-lid: Ziggy Bogey Dude (As seen on the Demented Cartoon Movie, Albino Black Sheep). If you have not seen the Demented Cartoon Movie, staring Ziggy Bogey Dude, he would normally go up to something he wanted to destroy & shout "ZIGGY BOGEY DUDE!!!" This would create a nuclear explosion and he would come back to life again.

For the last 450 years of Australian history each Prime Minister in there appointing ceremony is forced to put Ziggy Bogey Dude up there left eye-lid & take him out when ever there in a riot or rebellion. Prime Minister Kaing Gimomo used it when in 1918, 9000 aggressive activist protested about how the "Economy" made no sense in the Sliver Exchange Crash of South Australia (I mean why the fuck is all are money & stocks controlled by a retard computer who says "The price of sliver, a pound is two cents" Like why don't we just get Stephan Hawking to be the leader of the Exchange Rate!).

Ziggy Bogey Dude had a world tour & ended up killing 128 million & injuring 458 million. Australia won the war.

Food

Good ol' OZ has lots a great food like: Camal, Kangaroo, Vegimite, Milo and Cricket balls(for Cricket strength!).

Here's a recipie for a huge kangaroo feast!:

You will need:

50 kg of raw kangaroo meat

20 grams of rats eye's

salt and peper

The brain of a Dancin' Monkey!

Step 1: Arm yourself with a shotgun and fire constantly at the salt and peper for 5 hours.

Step 2: Marinate the rats eye's in the salt and peper(wait for 10 hours). While doing that cook all the kangaroo (and don't forget the brain!).

Step 3: When finished, put one rat's eye on each serving. Monkey brain is desert.

Serves 200

The creator of the meal is Cult-suicide leader, Jim Jones. The main and desert eaten together will kill instantly.

The reason that Vegimite has such a strong taste is that 63% of the stuff is pot!

Milo is one of the first children energy drinks. Cover boy, "Steriroid Sam" says they are no side effects.

Culture

Oz is huge multi-cultural nation (Like America) with one exception: Instead of there being a balance, 94% of em' are Asian. It's extremly rare to find a African or Hispanic.

Sir Language Arse of Yale, while studying the Aussie lingo said "G'day, mate" What the hell did it mean! 22 years later it was translated into "Good day, friend" Mr. Posh Bottom of Browns translated it, he was given a 150 grand grant for his help.

Oz's main belief is Voodoo. Once Witch-doctor, Shangi Doodty, scammed Sydney, he knew he could scam Oz!

The "Kissing of America's Arse Festival" happens once every 4-8 years when a president is elected. Wine is spirted from fountains, money thrown out of windows and people shooting a lot into the air and shouting "Allah!" (just like Al-Qaeda).

This is not the end right now! somtime from now there will be a sequel! Goodbye and farewell!





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