I have an OkCupid profile.
I know. I might as well just call it quits now and buy a cat.
For those of you who AREN'T socially awkward and can get dates without meeting strangers on the Internet, OkCupid is a dating website. Like the ones you've heard about on television... except, when I tried signing up for those, they all tried to make me pay money. And I decided that I didn't have enough self-hatred (or money) to pay someone to go on a date with me. Honestly, I'd rather spend the money on a couple of cats and some boxed wine.
That's what REALLY started all of this: the wine. Never drink alone if you're single and kind of sad about it; you WILL end up on OkCupid. It's just going to happen. Don't fight it. Just get it over with, and let your hangover explain everything in the morning when you have messages in your Inbox from strangers that say things like: "You look just like Jennifer Lawrence!", and "Are you really that cute, or are those just good pictures?", then my personal favorite "I would rather have my dick slammed repeatedly in a car door, and the car is made entirely out of fire ants, than have you not message me back. No pressure."
Remember the love letters that your grandfather wrote to your grandmother, way back when words still mattered and the letters didn't talk about slamming genitalia into car doors? Those were the days.
Match.com wouldn't let me in unless I paid. And, well, I'm poor. I guess that's the first thing you should know about me. Also, I think dating websites are super cheesy and I was the girl who said I'd never go on one ever. And, well, here I am. I hope my friends never find out. And if they do... well, hey guys. If you found me, that means you're on OkCupid too - so, nice to see you here. You can't judge me.
Also, I'm tall. You should know that. Because I have a height requirement... Kidding, sort of.
What I'm doing with my life:
Trying to move to Hawaii. Because... it's Hawaii.
I'm really good at:
Drinking wine. Does that count?
Well. I've been told I'm good at lots of other things. Although none come to mind. Apparently making things up on the spot isn't one of them.
The first things people usually notice about me:
I'm a bitch.
Just kidding, I'm not. I've actually been told that I'm a rather pleasant person. But there's a chance that I won't message you back. It's probably because your grammar sucks, or you said something ridiculous like 'sup'.
Just kidding. I don't message a lot of people back. I'm sorry. I really suck at dating websites.
Favorite books, movies, TV shows:
"I Love Lucy". And Audrey Hepburn movies. Because, you know, I'm a girl.
Alright, so I'm one of "those" girls.
But I also like The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, and a lot of movies. Like, any movies. It doesn't matter, I'm all for any excuse to sit down and eat popcorn for two hours.
The six things I could never do without:
I can only choose six? No. I don't know, I can't choose six. That's too hard. This would never happen in real life.
Alright, alright... my dog, and my friends, and my family. Actually, no, scratch that. Just my dog. And like, some of my friends. And wine (preferably Sangria, but if we're talking about the apocalypse here, I'll take what I can get). Oh my gosh, and my parents! My wonderful parents! And my bed, because it was expensive and I'm still making payments on it. Oh, and my clothes. What about my walk-in closet, if I shove everything into my walk-in closet, does it all count as one thing?
Oh, God. Did I really just type that?
(For the record, I do believe this section is behind 90% of my single lady status.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
I don't spend too much time thinking about anything. I just waste a lot of time on Pinterest.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
I might have been drinking a glass of wine when I wrote this.
Or a bottle. Or half a box. Whatever.