There was once a schoolteacher who had a birthday, and on her birthday, each of the children gave her a present. One little boy, whose father owned a flower shop, gave the teacher a present, and she asked him "Is it a bouquet of flowers?" The little boy's eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped. "How did you know?" he asked, surprised. "It was just a lucky guess." said the teacher. Then, a little girl whose father owned a candy shop, also gave the teacher a present. The teacher smiled and asked "Is it candy?" The little girl put her hand over her mouth and gasped. "How did you guess?" she asked. "It was just luck." said the teacher. Then, another little boy, whose father owned a liquor shop, also gave the teacher a present. When he gave the teacher the box which contained the present, the teacher noticed that something was leaking from the bottom of the box. She wiped up some of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. The little boy looked at her with a great big smile. "Nnnnoooo." he said, gleefully. The teacher then licked a tiny bit of the leakage off of the bottom of the box, and tasted it carefully. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Nnnnoooo." the little boy said again, his smile getting bigger. The teacher then looked at the box carefully for a while. At last, she took a very long, large lick of the leakage on the bottom of the box. After a moment, she said "I give up. What is it?" Unable to contain his excitement, the little boy jumped up and down and shouted "It's a PUPPY!"
Once, a large fire broke out in the forest, and a professional photographer was sent to take aerial photographs of it for a newspaper. The newspaper hired a private, single engine charter plane to fly their photographer over the forest fire so that he could photograph it. The photographer drove to a small, private airfield to meet the plane which was to fly him over the blaze. Unfortunately, the photographer got stuck in traffic and so arrived at the airfield somewhat late. When he arrived, he saw a small plane ready at the edge of the field, with a young man sitting in the pilot's seat. Impatient, the photographer jumped into the airplane, slammed the door and shouted "HURRY UP AND GO! I'M LATE, AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS MY DEADLINE!" So, the young man started the plane's engine and they soon took off from the field. Once they were in the air, the young man turned to the photographer and asked "So, where to?" The photographer then instructed the young man to fly over the raging forest-fire. "Why do you want to fly over there?" asked the young man. "I'm a photographer." explained the photographer. "I was paid to photograph the fire." The young man who was flying the plane then looked at the photographer with a dumbfounded expression. "You mean you're not the instructor?!"
A man overslept one morning and was late for work. Leaping out of bed and hurriedly dressing himself, he ran out to the garage and jumped into his pickup truck to drive to work. Unfortunately, the truck wouldn't start. The man then hurriedly asked his wife to drop him off at work while she was on her way to drop the kids off at school. However, while the wife was getting dressed to take the kids to school, the zipper on her coat got stuck and she couldn't fix it, so she asked her husband to come over and help her. Impatient, the husband ran over and yanked the zipper loose. "Gosh Dear," he exclaimed. "the zipper is so simple." He slid the zipper up and down a couple of times. "It works like this, see? Bzzzzzz!" The wife didn't say anything, but she was somewhat offended by her husband implying that she didn't know how to use a zipper properly. Nonetheless, she drove her husband to work and then drove the kids to school. The wife then spent the rest of the day running errands. When the husband got out of work, one of his friends gave him a ride home. A short time later, the wife also came home, still feeling somewhat insulted about what her husband had said about the zipper that morning. Going into the garage, she saw a man lying half underneath her husband's truck, with his legs sticking out. Assuming that it was her husband fixing the truck, the wife went up to the man, grabbed the zipper on his pants, slid it up and down a couple of times, and said "It works like this, see?!" Surprised, the man tried to jump but instead hit his head on the axle of the truck. "OW!" he exclaimed. The wife then walked huffily into the kitchen, where she saw her husband sitting at the kitchen table. Suddenly, the wife looked very worried. "Who's that in the garage?" she asked. "That's our neighbor, Bob." said the husband. "He came by to help us fix the truck."
A man was feeling sick, so he went to see the doctor. The doctor gave him an examination and told him "I'm sorry Sir. You're going to die." The man said "I'd like a second opinion, please.", and the doctor said "OK, you're ugly too."
A man walked into a bar ... Ouch!
A man died one day, and after he died, he found himself floating through a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, he saw a written note up ahead, taped to the inside of the tunnel. The note said "Warning: To save money during the current economic crises, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off ~ God."
One night, on the thirty-first of October, two little boys snuck into a local graveyard just outside of town, to pick walnuts from a walnut tree which grew there. As they picked the walnuts, some of them accidentally rolled down a hill to the graveyard fence. When the children had finished picking the nuts, they began dividing them up between them. As they divided up the nuts, the older of the two children counted "… One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me …" and so on. As they divided up the nuts, another boy walked past the graveyard. This third boy could not see the first two boys in the graveyard, because they were hidden behind a large grave monument. Nonetheless, as this third boy walked past the graveyard, he heard two voices talking: "… One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me …" The third boy was absolutely terrified, and ran back to town as fast as he could, shouting to everyone "SATAN AND JESUS ARE IN THE GRAVEYARD DIVIDING THE SOULS!!!!" Of course, no one believed the little boy, but he kept telling one person after another, and begging each to go with him and listen to the voices in the graveyard. Finally, a very old man agreed to go with the little boy to investigate. The little boy and the old man walked to the graveyard and stopped by the fence to listen. Sure enough, they heard the voices in the graveyard "… One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me … One for you, and one for me …" but then, all of a sudden, they heard "OK, now lets get those nuts by the fence!"
There was once an old man who worked as the janitor at a middle-school. Now, the girls at this school had an unfortunate habit of putting on their lipstick while in the girls' lavatory, and then kissing the mirror in the girls' lavatory with their lipstick covered lips, thus leaving little red "kissy-marks" all over the mirror. Every evening, after the school day had ended, the old janitor would go into the girls' lavatory and painstakingly wash all of the little kissy-marks off of the mirror. Unfortunately, each day the girls would leave new kissy-marks on the mirror, to replace those which the janitor had washed away the previous evening. The janitor spoke to several of the girls concerning the matter, and asked them to stop kissing the mirror and thus leaving lipstick marks all over it, but unfortunately, the girls all kept on doing it anyway. In time, the janitor became rather frustrated by this. At last, during lunch-break one day, the janitor gathered all of the girls in the school together, and led them into the girls' lavatory. Once they were all gathered together in a nice, large crowd, the janitor explained, in a rather exasperated tone: "Girls, I guess you didn't listen when I asked you not to kiss the mirror with your lipstick. Now, I'm going to show you just how much work it is to get your lipstick off the mirror!" The janitor then took his squeegee, waked into one of the lavatory stalls, dipped the squeegee into the toilet bowel, and then went over and began scrubbing the face of the mirror therewith. Seeing this, no girl ever kissed the mirror again.
Joe: "Hey! Did you hear about my friend? He shot himself in
the head by mistake."
Bob: "Is he smarter now?"
There were two hunters hunting in the forest. Suddenly, one of them collapsed for no apparent reason. The other hunter examined him quickly and discovered that he wasn't breathing and had no heartbeat. Afraid his friend was dead, the hunter hurriedly called emergency services on his cellular phone. "Help!" he cried. "I think my friend just died! What do I do?!" Calmly, the operator replied "OK, first check and make sure your friend is actually dead." There was a brief pause, and then ... BANG!!!!
Bill Clinton and the pope both died on the same day. The pope was supposed to go to heaven, and Bill Clinton was supposed to go to hell. However, the angels accidentally switched their paperwork, and so the pope got sent to hell and Bill Clinton got sent to heaven. When the pope arrived in hell, everyone realized that there had been a mistake. Unfortunately, an issue with the angels' labor union prevented them from being able to correct their mistake until the next day. So, the pope spent the night in hell, and Bill Clinton spent the night in heaven. The next day, the pope was sent to heaven and Bill Clinton was sent to hell. As they traded places, they met one another in between.
"So," said Bill Clinton. "how was your stay in hell?"
"It was very informative," said the pope. "a most eye-opening experience, but I'm thankful to be going to heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the virgin Mary."
"Well then," said Bill Clinton. "you should have been there yesterday."
There was once a little boy who refused to do his homework or to study in school. He spent all afternoon daydreaming in class, and spent all evening watching TV, playing games and eating junk food. His parents did everything they could think of to convince him to study, but it didn't work, and the little boy continued to fail in school. One day, the little boy's parents decided to pull their son out of public school and send him to a very strict, old fashioned catholic school instead. When the little boy came home after his first day of school, he was very quiet and didn't speak to anyone. Instead, he went straight up to his room, and did nothing but study all night long. The same thing happened the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Astonished, the little boy's father talked to him and asked him why he suddenly began studying so hard. Suddenly, the little boy looked at his father with a terrified expression.
"Dad, you gotta' get me out of that school! You have no idea what they do there! I saw a guy nailed to a giant plus sign! If I don't study, I'm afraid they'll kill me and nail me to a giant plus sign too! You gotta' help me!"
There was once an old man sitting on a bench in the park. As he sat on the bench, he saw two young men in the park. One of them was walking along and digging a row of holes in the ground, and the other was following along behind and filling the holes up again. The two men didn't seem to be putting anything into the holes or taking anything out. The old man thought this was rather curious. The next day, the old man sat on the same bench at the same time, and saw the same thing again. On the third day, the old man also sat on the bench and saw the two younger men going through the park, one of them digging holes and the other filling them up. This time, the old man could no longer contain his curiosity. Therefore, he walked up to the young men and asked them "What are you two doing, digging these holes and filling them up again? You don't seem to be accomplishing anything." The man who was digging the holes then turned to the old man and replied "We're workers for the city. My job is to dig the holes, and my friend's job is to fill them up again. There's supposed to be a third man to plant the trees, but he's on sick leave."
(Note: This joke is intended for Americans, and probably won't make sense to anyone else unless they are familiar with the history of the United States of America.)
A flying saucer lands on the Whitehouse lawn. A door opens, a ramp comes down, and a terrifying alien overlord with webbed feet, tentacles and three eyes, marches out. The alien overlord marches into the Whitehouse and into the Oval Office, where he sees the president. The alien overlord pulls out a ray-gun and points it at the president. Afraid, the president holds his hands in the air and says: "Let me guess, you're here to take over our planet and enslave us … right?" The alien overlord frowns and says: "WRONG! We're here to make you give back the land you stole from the natives!"
A rich man in ancient Rome bought himself a new slave. The next day, the new slave dropped dead for no apparent reason. Angrily, the rich man went back to the slave trader and said "That new slave you sold me just died for no reason! I want my money back!" The slave trader looked very mystified and said "That's odd. He never did that when I owned him."
A rookie cop in a small, rural police department was doing traffic work one day. He parked his cruiser behind a large billboard on the side of a road which had a recurring problem with speeders. As the cop sat there clocking cars with his radar gun, one car blew past him, obviously going way too fast. The cop went after the car, caught up to it, and pulled the car over. The cop approached the driver of the car and said "Sir, I'll need to see your driver's license." The driver replied "I don't have a license." The cop replied "OK, I'll need to see the registration." The driver replied "I don't have the registration." The cop asked "Isn't it in the glove compartment?" The driver replied "No. That's where I put my gun." The cop asked "What's the gun for?" The driver replied "I used it to shoot the lady and take her car." The cop asked "… and what did you do with the lady?" The driver replied "I stuffed her in the trunk of the car." So, the cop pulled the driver out of the car, handcuffed him, searched him, and then put him in the back of his cruiser. Now, the police department was just a small, rural police department in a quiet country town, and they had never seen anything like this before. The cop knew that being a rookie, a homicide investigation was way out of his league. So, he called the police chief on the radio and nervously explained the situation to him. The police chief drove out to the scene, walked over to the officer's cruiser, and talked to the driver now turned suspect. "Sir, I'll need to see your ID." the police chief said. "It's in my wallet." said the suspect. The police chief looked through the suspect's wallet and found his driver's license. "OK," said the police chief. "now I'll need to see the registration." The suspect replied "It's in the glove compartment." The police chief looked in the glove compartment and sure enough, he found the registration for the car. He looked further through the glove compartment, expecting to find the suspect's gun, but it wasn't there. "Did you move the gun?" the police chief asked the officer. The officer shook his head. The police chief went back and asked the suspect "Where's the gun?" The suspect exclaimed "There's no gun!" The police chief then opened the trunk of the suspect's car, expecting to find the dead lady, but the trunk was completely empty. Again the police chief went back to talk to the suspect. "What did you do with the lady?" the police chief asked. "There's no lady." the suspect replied. "Are you saying the officer was lying?" asked the police chief. The suspect rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Yeah. He probably told you I was speeding too!"