Dear Potential Employer,
I am writing today in response to the job you posted at a website or in a newspaper. I don't mean to sound so vague, but I have been at this all morning and if you think it is easy to keep 20 or so job titles, hiring mangers names, and companies straight with a hangover and a Percocet buzz, you are wrong. Besides it saves time, and in any business, including yours, time is money. I am an honest and upfront guy. I would hate to give the illusion that it matters to me, one way or the other, what job, in what industry or at what company I am hired. It doesn't. Basically, as long as I make enough to pay down my gambling debts that is all that really matters to me. Feel me?
Anyway, I just wanted to briefly cover a few things that I know aren't in my resume. You will probably received hundreds of resumes and hopefully this will help you in your hiring decision. Use it as a way to get to know LarryD. My name is of course Larry D. Fowler, but my friends call me "LarryD". I am the kind of guy that doesn't mind hanging out with the boss and upper management after hours, catching a ballgame or going bowling, so I figure we will be friends soon enough. Besides a resume is just a crafty listing of dates, addresses, job descriptions, and skills and usually a lot of overblown bullshit.
I am a straight, labor party, Wiccan, Negro. A lot of people try and keep their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, and other affiliations a secret, not me. I like to let a potential employer know upfront so you will know well in advance what holidays I will be taking off. Plus, I know you guys sometime get tax breaks for filling quotas and stuff for special needs hires. I can throw Native American on the application. I am not an Indian, but I am willing to lie if it will help the company. Besides, I am not married to any of that stuff. Hell, if it will get me a corner office and an expense account I'll sleep with guy, spy on union members, light a candle at St. Patrick's Cathedral, and volunteer for the David Duke for President Campaign. I believe in any company one ought to be flexible.
I am also single with no kids but don't let that fool you into thinking I am staying late or signing up for overtime. I am not. I hit the happy hours spots hard and I hit them often. Oh yeah, and I don't work weekends, ever.
This is as good a time as any to mention a few medical issues. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); however I am generally okay when I remember to take my medication. I need a great deal of dental work so I hope your company's dental plan is a good one. I smoke non-filtered cigarettes and occasionally cough up a little phlegm. My doctor assures me it is nothing to worry about. I have in the past had crabs.
I prefer to work in smaller groups as large crowds sometimes trigger a bad PTSD episode, but I am a people person. I can work for and with anybody. Well, except Arabs and gays. I had an incident with a gay once. Thinking back it was less an incident and more a difference of opinion concerning payment for service rendered. Shit happens right? As for the Arabs, well 911, need I say more?
In addition to all the nuts and bolts stuff in the resume, I am also a great event organizer. I have no formal event planning education. I picked up a lot putting together checkers and chess tournaments in various prisons. So for those office birthdays, anniversaries, and retirements, I am your man. I know where to find the cheapest booze and the cleanest girls. I should tell you this. You know the annual company Christmas Party. I will be there, and there are two things you can count on. 1) I will be drunk before dinner is served and 2) I will electric slide and sing regardless of whether or not there is karaoke. It's tradition.
I saved you a lot of time by trimming my resume down eliminating jobs where I was fired for fighting, stealing or excessive drug use on company property. No sense in you calling them and getting a bad impression right?
If there is anything else you need to know before the interview just hit me up on Facebook, or better yet, check out my web page: www.howlarrydgetdsown.com. You will need a major credit card to access the web page. There won't be any charges. It is just that due to explicit content I got to do age verification. Freaking government regulations right?
Now let me cover the interview. I am going to be 15 minutes early but don't get used to that. I am rarely if ever early for work. The good news is I am almost never late. If I don't think I will be on time. I will use a personal or sick day, assuming of course I call out at all. There is no sense in asking me a lot of questions, because I am going to give you the same canned "How to Sell Yourself at The Interview and Land the Job" book answers as everyone else. Just use the interview as a way of checking me out visually and clarifying anything my cover letter confuses you about. That way you don't waste a lot of my time and I don't waste a lot of yours.
I am available to interview at anytime. I know my resume states that I am currently employed, but as soon as you call me to set up an interview I am resigning anyway. Well, I guess I am not so much resigning as walking out without giving notice. Hey, I am impulsive like that.
Take care and I look forward to you call.