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The Honest Cover Lever

Miscellaneous By: Larry Donnell Fowler
Humor



How much should you reveal in a cover letter? Well, that depends on whether all you want is the job interview, or if you want the job interviewer to know exactly who he or she is getting.


Submitted:Dec 16, 2012    Reads: 11    Comments: 1    Likes: 2   


Dear Potential Employer,

I am writing today in response to the job you posted at a website or in a newspaper. I don't mean to sound so vague, but I have been at this all morning and if you think it is easy to keep 20 or so job titles, hiring mangers names, and companies straight with a hangover and a Percocet buzz, you are wrong. Besides it saves time, and in any business, including yours, time is money. I am an honest and upfront guy. I would hate to give the illusion that it matters to me, one way or the other, what job, in what industry or at what company I am hired. It doesn't. Basically, as long as I make enough to pay down my gambling debts that is all that really matters to me. Feel me?

Anyway, I just wanted to briefly cover a few things that I know aren't in my resume. You will probably received hundreds of resumes and hopefully this will help you in your hiring decision. Use it as a way to get to know LarryD. My name is of course Larry D. Fowler, but my friends call me "LarryD". I am the kind of guy that doesn't mind hanging out with the boss and upper management after hours, catching a ballgame or going bowling, so I figure we will be friends soon enough. Besides a resume is just a crafty listing of dates, addresses, job descriptions, and skills and usually a lot of overblown bullshit.

I am a straight, labor party, Wiccan, Negro. A lot of people try and keep their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, and other affiliations a secret, not me. I like to let a potential employer know upfront so you will know well in advance what holidays I will be taking off. Plus, I know you guys sometime get tax breaks for filling quotas and stuff for special needs hires. I can throw Native American on the application. I am not an Indian, but I am willing to lie if it will help the company. Besides, I am not married to any of that stuff. Hell, if it will get me a corner office and an expense account I'll sleep with guy, spy on union members, light a candle at St. Patrick's Cathedral, and volunteer for the David Duke for President Campaign. I believe in any company one ought to be flexible.

I am also single with no kids but don't let that fool you into thinking I am staying late or signing up for overtime. I am not. I hit the happy hours spots hard and I hit them often. Oh yeah, and I don't work weekends, ever.

This is as good a time as any to mention a few medical issues. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); however I am generally okay when I remember to take my medication. I need a great deal of dental work so I hope your company's dental plan is a good one. I smoke non-filtered cigarettes and occasionally cough up a little phlegm. My doctor assures me it is nothing to worry about. I have in the past had crabs.

I prefer to work in smaller groups as large crowds sometimes trigger a bad PTSD episode, but I am a people person. I can work for and with anybody. Well, except Arabs and gays. I had an incident with a gay once. Thinking back it was less an incident and more a difference of opinion concerning payment for service rendered. Shit happens right? As for the Arabs, well 911, need I say more?

In addition to all the nuts and bolts stuff in the resume, I am also a great event organizer. I have no formal event planning education. I picked up a lot putting together checkers and chess tournaments in various prisons. So for those office birthdays, anniversaries, and retirements, I am your man. I know where to find the cheapest booze and the cleanest girls. I should tell you this. You know the annual company Christmas Party. I will be there, and there are two things you can count on. 1) I will be drunk before dinner is served and 2) I will electric slide and sing regardless of whether or not there is karaoke. It's tradition.

I saved you a lot of time by trimming my resume down eliminating jobs where I was fired for fighting, stealing or excessive drug use on company property. No sense in you calling them and getting a bad impression right?

If there is anything else you need to know before the interview just hit me up on Facebook, or better yet, check out my web page: www.howlarrydgetdsown.com. You will need a major credit card to access the web page. There won't be any charges. It is just that due to explicit content I got to do age verification. Freaking government regulations right?

Now let me cover the interview. I am going to be 15 minutes early but don't get used to that. I am rarely if ever early for work. The good news is I am almost never late. If I don't think I will be on time. I will use a personal or sick day, assuming of course I call out at all. There is no sense in asking me a lot of questions, because I am going to give you the same canned "How to Sell Yourself at The Interview and Land the Job" book answers as everyone else. Just use the interview as a way of checking me out visually and clarifying anything my cover letter confuses you about. That way you don't waste a lot of my time and I don't waste a lot of yours.

I am available to interview at anytime. I know my resume states that I am currently employed, but as soon as you call me to set up an interview I am resigning anyway. Well, I guess I am not so much resigning as walking out without giving notice. Hey, I am impulsive like that.

Take care and I look forward to you call.

Your Man,

Larry D





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