"Hi, BILLY HAYS here, here to tell you about 'Almost-Speed Vitamins!' Do you find your a** dragging by 10 am?
"What's wrong with me, I'm not lazy am I?" you ask yourself.
No, you're not lazy! You just need the extra boost that 'Almost-Speed Vitamins" provides. Now your almost-walrus body will become almost-illegal! We buy only the finest, healthiest ingredients from that guy in the shades and trench coat who hangs around your local elementary school, minus the illegal stuff, of coarse! That's why we call our product 'Almost-Speed Vitamins'; because that's exactly what they are, almost! Need that extra burst of adrenaline and stamina, for anything from playing sports, or a sexual tryst? Reach for the jar shaped like a syringe, a jar of 'Almost-Speed Vitamins'!"