Everest City Voters’ Guide
Indicate your vote for one
of the following candidates:
Mary Jo Finler:
“I am concerned with the direction Everest City is taking. Crime and drugs are running rampant. If you good citizens of Everest City see fit to cast your vote for me, I’ll fight to fix these problems. I have a BA in political science from Harvard University. I have 20 years experience running local governments. Prior to moving to Everest City I was the mayor of Utopia. I worked there to improve that city, and now, it’s annually voted the top, or 2nd best, places to live in Wisconsin. So if you’d like me to bring my vast experience and top-notch education to bear in Everest City, cast your vote for Mary Jo Finler on Election Day. Thank you."
“I am running for mayor so the cops won’t be able to sit outside the damn tavern and hassle me--err--patrons. I’m a 1987 drop-out of Everest City High School. I have a tenacious ability to get things done. I also have a knack for, and a deep appreciation of, economic factors. When it was time to paint my double-wide wood-sided dwelling, I saved lots of money by spackling and painting it myself. I currently am unemployed, so I’m ready to hit the ground running on day one. Always in the past, whomever served as mayor also had a full time job. Well, I don’t think that’s right. I tell myself all the time that not having the distraction of other employment puts me in the perfect position. I’m ready to start governing Everett City, IMMEDIATELY. I beg you to cast your vote for Freddy Fairhaven on Election Day, thank you."
Walter V. Spigeterally
“I’m running for reelection to this office because I believe we elected officials have a sacred duty to safe guard our natural resources so that future generations will have them to enjoy, free of contaminates and clean and pure, so I take the responsibility of guardianship very seriously. Please allow me to continue to serve you. Thank you."
“I’m running for this post because, frankly, nobody gives a s**t about it, and I figure it offers me the best chance to slip in there. Oh, I could hand you some rubbish about really caring about the cleanliness of our water supply...blah, blah, blah! I mean, hello? It’s water! As long as there’s enough to take a bath, run your dishwashers, and enough to dilute your alcohol (maybe, depending on personal preference, unnecessary), and flush your toilet, you don’t give a rip about it; am I right? To be honest, I only want this position because it pays $80,000 a year. Can you imagine? $80,000 fricking bucks a year! So if you’d see your way clear to vote for me, I’d very much appreciate it. Oh yeah, thank you."
Initiative 409; Shall alcohol and marijuana be both plentiful and legal at Everest High football games? Select one: yes, no, I forgot what I’m voting on
Initiative 205; Shall the third Sunday in August be deemed “Who’s your Daddy? Day.” Citizens will be forgiven the several hundred dollars they owe in fines for the books overdue from The Everest City Public Library that they checked out for researching who might be their daddy. Select one; yes, no, I don’t give a rip
Initiative 55; Shall fireworks be sold to drunk miners? Select one; yes, no, whatever, but if something gets blown off, you’re on your own.
Initiative 55b-- Shall drunk miners be allowed to go down, err--into the earth? Select one; yes, or no; at least you’ll be getting nothing blown off (get your mind out of the gutter!)