"I'm Not a Dismal Failure
"Hello, it's me, Frank Pushdingle, here to tell you, even if you're the dumbest loser person on the face of the planet, there's a wonder-tape that will not only cure you dip-s****edness, it will enable you to be one smart cookie, guarantied! Introducing the I'm a Not a Dismal Failure Self-Help Tapes, from the same company who brought you How to Make Millions Selling Your Neighbor's Furniture Door-to-Door, the Crock Company. It works while you sleep, using phrases such as, "Don't be such a gloomy Gus!", "Turn that frown upside down!", and "Yes, I can!" drummed into your sleeping brain, over and over, until your negative, self-destructive, total-bastard thoughts are replaced with positive ones, like, "I can do it!" and, "I'm a good, deserving person!" You'll also learn more trivial facts than your formerly-idiot's brain knows what to do with. Bet your hapless pals you know the answer to an amazingly-difficult, seemingly-impossible question, and drink all night at their expense. Go ahead, you'll know the answer to thousands of questions! You won't know how, but you'll know the answers; all while you sleep. So, don't put up with being called, "A few bricks shy of a full load!", one minute longer. When you order the I'm Not a Dismal Failure Self-Help Tapes, you'll be able to tell everybody, "I know the answer to that; wanna bet?"