Letter to the Present Mike Stevens From Mike Stevens, 1985
“Dear Mike; eat it, you bastard! It’s no wonder nobody likes you. You told me not to ask out the friend of the girl I really wanted to ask out, but did I get your wise guidance? Hell no; your sage words arrived AFTER I’d gone right ahead and asked out her friend, which turned to s**t, then I kept trying to get up the nerve to ask out the one I wanted to; but I was too much of a chicken-s**t. I watched her from a distance, and daydreamed that I was a confident dude. Where were you when I could have used your advice? I’ll tell you where; knowing me like I do, you’re probably snorkling massive amounts of beer, and doing The Elusive Donkey Dance, in a vain attempt to not pass out! Thanks for nothing, future me!”
To Mike Stevens, 1985, From Mike Stevens, Now
“Mike, I hate to say it, but you were a very stupid man! I’m sure you find snorkeling, as you call it, a s**t-load of beer very exciting, but you, and hence me, grew up and came to realize how stupid you not only looked, but acted. And here you thought you acted so much more mature than the roughly 5,000,000 other dip-s**t teens who drank maybe one beer, and thought they were a comedian. I’m very painfully aware how untrue that thought was! I’m surprised I never resorted to putting a lampshade over my head, at least that I remember. I’m just glad that you, and hence me, finally wised up!