How to order "Letters To and From
People Much Better Off Than You"
"People seem to be fascinated by celebrity's lives, and Fantastic
Fiction Press had decided to cash in-err-give the people what
they want. We've collected fan letters to and from famous (or
infamous, or nobody's) people, and groups, so you too can feel
what it's like to live in the fishbowl of intense public
scrutiny. This hard-bound book makes for wonderful reading, and
once you've read it, makes a great leveler for sofas, chairs,
etc. Please send your check or money-order for $129.95 to
"Fantastic Fiction Press/Book Deal; P.O. Box 5, Lucky City, Ca.
99999. Due to space concerns and the price we're shelling out for
this advertisement, we've only included some of Chapter 2;
Letters to Famous Bands; some of Chapter 4; Letters to as well as
from Politicians; and some from Chapter 8: Letters to Magazines,
which should serve as enough incentive for you to purchase the
book so you can read more of these fascinating letters. Besides,
if you can read every letter in the book, why would you need to
send us your hard-earned money? So order your copy of "Letters To
and From People Much Better Off Than You" today!"
Taken From Chapter 2;
Fan Letter to Black and Blue Holiday
Hey, thank you, Black and Blue Holiday. You're my favorite
holiday music band. Your holiday music makes our family's
holidays unforgettable. My wife and I get hammered, the kids
drink hot chocolate and for the holidays at least, the kids
actually shut the hell up, and we're a real family. We put on
your holiday music and just watch the outside world roll by; and
if it snows, so much the better. At least until the holidays are
over I'm the nicest husband and father. Usually, my wife make me
heave, I get all hacked off at my kids, and wallow in self-pity
about my joke of a life. But when I listen you're holiday
classics and guzzle whiskey, things seems a little less
s**t-like. So thank you for bringing a happiness torch of your
music to light up my dark, soggy, pathetic world, so at least I
can see the s**t I'm about to step in!
All the best, Willy
Fan Letter to Satanic
"Dear Satanic Last Rights: You guys rock! You, like myself, are
one with the dark side. I'm so sick of the goody-goodies who
control today's music industry and spin an "everything's groovy,
kids!" message of love and fricking peace, that tells the kids
everything's fine, when it's a s****y world, actually. I think
they should be held accountable for the lies they're spreading.
If the kids all listen to your music, with songs such as "I've
Got a Wicked Hard-On", "Evil and Twisted Lord", and "Be My Dark
Queen", they would understand that the truth is to 'Abandon All
Hope'. Thanks for telling everyone the truth."
With hate, Jerry Grub
Fan Letter toThe Sugar Shack
"Hey girls, how's it hanging? I'm a 15 year-old male, completely
naked and looking at your album cover. Man, do you fine babes
really yank my chain! I'm so glad to see you use your sex appeal
to sell albums. Sadly, that is all-too-rare these days. Too many
people focus on trivial stuff, like musical ability. I say,
"Who gives a s**t?"
Who really cares if you can really play if you're damn ugly? The
reason I buy is the fact I'd love to bag all of you! In fact I've
included my home address on the envelope and if you fine ladies
want to, feel free to stop by. We could get a pizza, or
something, and fire up my hot tub."
Love you all, a lot! Dick Pierce