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"Letters To and From People Much Better Off Than You"

By: Mike Stevens

Page 1, Excepts from the book \'Letters To and From People Much Better Off Than You\'

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“People seem to be fascinated by celebrity’s lives, and Fantastic Fiction Press had decided to cash in—err—give the people what they want. We’ve collected fan letters to and from famous (or infamous, or nobody’s) people, and groups, so you too can feel what it’s like to live in the fishbowl of intense public scrutiny. This hard-bound book makes for wonderful reading, and once you’ve read it, makes a great leveler for sofas, chairs, etc. Please send your check or money-order for $129.95 to “Fantastic Fiction Press/Book Deal; P.O. Box 5, Lucky City, Ca. 99999. Due to space concerns and the price we’re shelling out for this advertisement, we’ve only included some of Chapter 2; Letters to Famous Bands; some of Chapter 4; Letters to as well as from Politicians; and some from Chapter 8: Letters to Magazines, which should serve as enough incentive for you to purchase the book so you can read more of these fascinating letters. Besides, if you can read every letter in the book, why would you need to send us your hard-earned money? So order your copy of “Letters To and From People Much Better Off Than You” today!"

Taken From Chapter 2;
Fan Letter to Black and Blue Holiday
Hey, thank you, Black and Blue Holiday. You’re my favorite holiday music band. Your holiday music makes our family’s holidays unforgettable. My wife and I get hammered, the kids drink hot chocolate and for the holidays at least, the kids actually shut the hell up, and we’re a real family. We put on your holiday music and just watch the outside world roll by; and if it snows, so much the better. At least until the holidays are over I’m the nicest husband and father. Usually, my wife make me heave, I get all hacked off at my kids, and wallow in self-pity about my joke of a life. But when I listen you’re holiday classics and guzzle whiskey, things seems a little less s**t-like. So thank you for bringing a happiness torch of your music to light up my dark, soggy, pathetic world, so at least I can see the s**t I’m about to step in!
All the best, Willy Wallow
Fan Letter to Satanic
Last Rights
“Dear Satanic Last Rights: You guys rock! You, like myself, are one with the dark side. I’m so sick of the goody-goodies who control today’s music industry and spin an “everything’s groovy, kids!” message of love and fricking peace, that tells the kids everything’s fine, when it’s a s****y world, actually. I think they should be held accountable for the lies they’re spreading. If the kids all listen to your music, with songs such as “I’ve Got a Wicked Hard-On”, “Evil and Twisted Lord”, and “Be My Dark Queen”, they would understand that the truth is to ‘Abandon All Hope’. Thanks for telling everyone the truth.”
With hate, Jerry Grub
Fan Letter toThe Sugar Shack
“Hey girls, how’s it hanging? I’m a 15 year-old male, completely naked and looking at your album cover. Man, do you fine babes really yank my chain! I’m so glad to see you use your sex appeal to sell albums. Sadly, that is all-too-rare these days. Too many people focus on trivial stuff, like musical ability. I say,
“Who gives a s**t?”
Who really cares if you can really play if you’re damn ugly? The reason I buy is the fact I’d love to bag all of you! In fact I’ve included my home address on the envelope and if you fine ladies want to, feel free to stop by. We could get a pizza, or something, and fire up my hot tub.”
Love you all, a lot! Dick Pierce

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