Speech by the Minority Leader in the Senate, Airing Only on Fox!
"Good evening, angry ladies and pissed gentleman; well, that evil person temporarily the president has done it again; shown absolutely no leadership, as in none, zip, nada. My goal is still to make him a one-term president."
News anchor: "But he already won a second term; I hate to say it, but don't you think it's time to put all the animosity you feel towards this president behind you and do what's right for the country? After all, the people have spoken, and they want compromise."
"Bulls**t; whose side are you on, anyway?"
"It's not about sides, it--"
"The hell it's not!"
"Shouldn't it be about what's best for the people of the country?"
"You know, the people who overwhelmingly voted him to a 2nd term?"
"Oh yeah, I'm doing my best to ignore them. By our way of thinking, if we just act like the election never happened, and stick to our goal of making him a one-term president, it'll work, eventually."
"I'm sorry, but how do you keep him from being reelected? He's already won."
"Shhh; the voters don't know that, at least the one's who watch nothing but your channel; that's who we're aiming to convince that not only did Romney win, the president's the Anti-Christ!"
"Oh, come on! We're with you, but paranoid!"
"Look, you know it's not true, and I know it's not true, but the people who watch your programming want to believe it, so why not play to their wants?"
"Yeah, I guess I can see your point. We make the Kool-Aid, and they drink it."
"Exactly; and today's flavor is Crazyberry!" Now, what was I saying?"
"Before we hear your next outlandish allegation, are you aware the many people think you look like a turtle?"
"That's it; even though you're an ally in our war on reality, this interview is over!"
"No, please Mr. Minority Leader, please continue what you were saying."
"Nope, screw you!"
"Oh, he must be a snapping turtle! Well, since he left so abruptly, we now present a new Fox Reports: the U.S. government is using mind-control drones, that fly over your house while you're sleeping, and you mysteriously awake in the morning with an overbearing desire to vote Democratic, followed by The Karl Rove Show, which has been cancelled due to him being so totally wrong on just about everything. So watch quickly!"