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"The Beelzabuddies; New Album" advertisement

Miscellaneous By: Mike Stevens
Humor


I used to be a singer in a heavy metal band, and I always found peoples' preconceived notions of people who like that kind of music, you know, devil worshipers, to be funny. So this is my tribute to them; bad lyrics and all!


Submitted:Dec 27, 2011    Reads: 9    Comments: 4    Likes: 3   


The Beelzabuddies

The Curse of Hercules

Advertisement

"Radio-Hex Records is proud to present the upcoming release of The Beelzabuddies new album, "The Curse of Hercules". Yes, in order to get you to buy the album, we've printed out the lyrics and included them here. Ten tracks, plus two additional songs only available on the official Radio-Hex release, make this an essential addition to any black trench-coat-wearing, disciple of evil's collection. Only $49.95 buys you an all-you-can-hear platter heaped with evil!"

The Beelzabuddies

The Curse of Hercules

Lyrics:

Alter of Evil

Verse:

It's like a regular alter, except this one is evil

It is an alter in honor of the dee-vil

People come down here because they have no choice

Listen as he lays down the law in a terrible voice:

Pre-Chorus:

"You've been bad, so you're going to burn

Pull you head out, and learn, learn, learn"

Verse:

Once you are at the alter, something rips you apart

You gawk and stare at your still-beating heart

It's being held by a grinning ghoul,

who seems to taunt you, "I've ripped out your heart, fool!"

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Chorus:

Before The Alter of Evil, fall to your knees

Beg for your very soul, be sure to say please

You've gone down below instead of up above

It's way worse than anything you previously thought of

Verse:

So you don't want to end up down here

There's nothing good about it, and everything to fear

Live right, if you want to live to see

out of your eyes; yes, you'd better listen to me

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Hacking and Stacking

Verse:

Look out; the bad, bad guys are after you

If they catch you, here's what they're going to do:

They'll whip out a hidden knife

and they'll stab you, to end your life

Pre-Chorus:

Oh, no, it's going to hurt real bad

As you watch your blood disappear, you'll be so sad

Verse:

Then like chord wood, they'll stack you so high

This is your sad fate, after you die

So you'd better make some drastic changes

Otherwise, get ready to be cooked on the Hades range

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Chorus:

Oh yeah, they're Hacking and Stacking

So make some changes; you'd better get cracking

There's not much time for you to change things up,

for you to avoid becoming a char-broiled lump

Verse:

Guys with no heads are looking around

It's you they want, so don't make a sound

These guys with no heads, they are bad

If they find you, you're in for the worst time you've ever had

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

The Curse of Hercules

Verse:

There's a long-forgotten curse

One that will kill you, or maybe worse

"What could be worse than being killed?"

Believe me, you won't be too thrilled

Pre-Chorus:

when you have to stand before the man

The man who runs things, who rules this land

Verse:

See, you might think there's no way he's real

He's just a made-up story so; "What's the big deal?"

He was only fable, or so you believed

But, into that fable, some truth was weaved

Pre-Chorus:

You always thought he was myth, but no

And you're thinking he's not real is going to hurt you so

Chorus:

You can't prepare for The Curse of Hercules

Your eyes will bug out, just wait 'till you see

the mean things he's capable of doing bad

Yes, he's real, he's vengeful, and he's mad

Verse:

This is his land you're trespassing on

Right now you're breathing, but you won't be for long

See, not only is he real, he's mighty muscle-bound

Yes, he's going to pound your a**, right into the ground

Repeat 2nd Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Flying Leap (Into the Fire)

Verse:

You're getting hammered next to a circle of flame

You stupidly are participating in a childish drinking game

When suddenly you think you see a safe place in the burning wood

You hazily think, I'm going to jump in, even though I don't think I should

Pre-Chorus:

You think, "I've got to jump in that heat."

And so you get to your unsteady feet

Verse:

Before anyone thinks to ask you what you're doing

You're up, and a dangerous course you're pursuing

You sprint forward and leave the ground

There's no turning back as you're headed down,

Pre-Chorus:

Into the burning campfire

Too late, you realize it's only a burning funeral pyre

Chorus:

A Flying Leap (Into the Fire); it's a human barbecue

Too late, you realize your living time is through

A Flying Leap (Into the Fire), is a bad mistake

It probably the last dumb mistake you'll ever make

Verse:

Because you drank so much that you couldn't see,

how unintelligent an act this is; how stupid can you be?

In a shower of smoke and cinders you land

after futilely grabbing for something to hold onto with your hand

Repeat 2nd Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Hellfire? Yes Sire!

Verse:

Your eyes glaze over, and you start to chant

You want to stop, but you really can't

Oh, no, you're in a zombie-like trance

If he tells you to, you start a frantic dance

Pre-Chorus:

It feels like there's a satanic force

that's making your legs move; this is just one example of course

Verse:

There's many such options to this satanic deal

Any one of these you may be about to feel

When it first happens, you think, hey, I'm not dead!

That this can happen even while you're alive, fills you with dread

Pre-Chorus:

It feels like there's a satanic force

causing you to steer a bad, bad course

Chorus:

You can't control your lips as you chant, "Hellfire, Yes Sire!"

And you sing with many voices like a satanic choir

You can't understand what's controlling your voice

Yes, the evil words wouldn't have been your choice

Verse:

You seem to move through invisible strings

You seem to suddenly think awful things

It seems you're alive, but yet you're not

Staying cool down here takes more cooling than you've got

Repeat 2nd Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Army of Destruction

Verse:

There's a group of guys who want to dish out pain

These are the shock troops, for the big guy's reign

And said reign lasts forever and a day

They're not kidding when this they say:

Pre-Chorus:

"Look out for us, we're bad, bad, bad

If we're around, you'll be sad, sad, sad"

Verse:

See, our eyes are lasers, that will cut you down

And our fists are hammers that will pound and pound

your face to nothing more than mush,

causing severe discomfort, and your blood to gush

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Chorus:

We're coming for you; we're The Army of Destruction

We're scary and pissed, so you'd better run

We have our orders, and we'll carry them out

If you try to fight us, it'll be a one-sided route

After-Chorus:

With our winning; we'll stomp on your face

Yes, we'll kick your a**; your blood you will taste

Verse:

Run and hide, but it won't help you

We'll find you and beat you, and there's nothing you can do

We are the army dealing out death

on the orders of the horny guy, at his behest

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

"Say Hello to My Non-Living Friend!"

Verse:

I know a guy who not living anymore

Who's mean, doesn't know he's dead, and rotten to his core

If I have something evil to do,

I send him, and my problems are through

Pre-Chorus:

When you see him coming; nightmare

You can fight him at your peril, if you dare

Verse:

He's totally heartless, he just doesn't give a s***

Yes, to do my evil deeds, he's a perfect fit

He never thinks about what's right, and what's wrong

When he focuses in on you; you are as good as gone

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Chorus:

"Say Hello To My Non-Living Friend!"

He'll rip you apart; torture and rend

He's my soldier and I am Satan

If I order him to kill you, he will again and again

Verse:

You might think you can only die one time

But let me tell you why you're wrong in a rhyme:

"You're so wrong about death, and I am right

The fires of Hell are burning so bright!"

Pre-Chorus:

Well, maybe that particular rhyme blows

But at least now the awful truth you know

Repeat Chorus:

END

Swords, Spikes, and Other Ways to Check Out

Verse:

The different ways we have to kill you are quite vast

Take a good look at whatever, it will be your last

We haven't decided yet what we'll use on you

But, whatever it is, rest assured whatever it is, your time up here is through

Pre-Chorus:

Whether it saws big chunks out of your hide,

Whether shooting or stabbing, you're still going to die

Verse:

Before it's over, you're going to beg for it to end

That you'll get out of it, hey, you can pretend

Believe us, we want to make it last forever

We laugh at suffering; at horrible ways, we are so clever

Pre-Chorus:

We'll laugh as you scream for intervention

After all, a gruesome death is our invention

Chorus:

Swords, Spikes, and Other Ways to Check Out

Only one way it can end; of that, have no doubt

You'll watch in stunned disbelief as you're blood it flows

into the ground, that's where it goes

Verse:

We'll drink some beer as we gather around

We'll be feeling sky-high, even as you're headed down,

down to the land of evil, down to the land of pain

Trust us, we're ruthless, moronic, and insane

Pre-Chorus:

Yes, that's a bad combination for you

It means we're too stupid to give a s*** what we do

Repeat Chorus:

END

The Haunted Stump

Verse:

You're walking through a dark forest in a storm

When something catches your eye that's not the norm

It's a sawed-off tree that moves to the right

"What the hell?" you say; it's quite a sight

Pre-Chorus:

"How is it even possible for wood to walk?"

Suddenly, at moving by it, you do balk

Verse:

Even more amazing, you hear the stump speak

"Yeah, I'm a haunted, talking stump; an escape I would seek,

'Cause when I catch you, you won't like it

I'll rip you apart, little bit by little bit!"

Pre-Chorus:

It's not the whole tree you understand

This is the kind of thing we write about as a band

Chorus:

It's a Haunted Stump and it's after you

You won't be a pretty sight by the time it is through

"Well, shiver me timbers!" you scream in fear

Yes, it's very bad when the Haunted Stump is near

Verse:

You might think that a stump can't move very fast

But, that kind of thought will be your last

It just thinks, "Run!" and presto,

It's lightning-quick, so now you'd better go

Repeat 2nd Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Satan's Right-Hand Man

Verse:

I'm right there by the big fella's side

Tagging along for an evil-a** ride

There's him, then there's me, second-in-charge

Yes, I am the 2nd most powerful man, say, "Arrg!"

Pre-Chorus:

I'm floating on my barge headed down Evil River

When I'm through floating, I'll eat your liver

Verse:

In addition to being one mean mofo,

I'm also a cannibal, don't you know?

I mean, how bad can one guy get?

Yes, I'm a part of the nightmare set

Pre-Chorus:

I'm practically in command, I almost run this deal

I carry out the orders based on what the big guy feels

Chorus:

He counts on me, I'm Satan's Right-Hand Man

I'm damn powerful in this punishment land

When I say, "jump!" you'd damn well better

"cause I get the job done; I'm a real go-getter

Verse:

If you disobey my wishes it's damn near the same

as disobeying the boss, and if he calls out your name

You're screwed with a capital S

So when I give you an order, you'd better say, "yes!"

Repeat 2nd Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Additional Song 1

Verse:

This song is extra, this one's a bonus

If you don't want a bootleg copy of our album, this one's a must

You know if your copy doesn't have these two,

a bootlegger pulled the wool over your eyes, fool!

Pre-Chorus:

In order for us to maximize profits,

we've cleverly included two extra songs, in order to stop it

Verse:

See, we're sick of getting our a**** ripped off

So, yes, we're going to fight rough

If you're a rip-off bastard, you're plain out of luck

If you want something for nothing, well, this is going to suck

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Chorus:

You don't have a real copy, if you don't have Additional Song 1

Because if copied, ha, you'll have none

These two songs, they won't appear

We're not going to take it, do we make ourselves clear?

Verse:

So no longer will we be getting cheated

by your rip-off plans; they will be defeated

We'll get your money, if you want our platter

Whatever you try to pull, it just won't matter

Repeat Pre-Chorus:

Repeat Chorus:

END

Additional Song 2

Verse:

Nothing original here; rock into the night

Only cliché's; get ready to fight

If you like it heavy, stand up and scream

This song is like the end of a very bad dream

Pre-Chorus:

Raise your hands in the air; let us see you

If you like it heavy, you're so cool





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