The Scammer Telephone
“Hello, and welcome to The Scammer Telephone Company. This is a recording, so don’t stupidly try to speak to a real live operator. And also, don’t try to hang up; you’ve already called, and we’ll only call you back. We have assumed control of your life. We would like to explain the calling plans we offer. This call could be monitored to make sure we’ve squeezed every last dime from your a**. We now offer ‘The Bloated Plan’. This plan includes long-distance, high-speed Internet access, voice-mail, call-waiting, call-forwarding, call-blocking (except us, of course), and call-me-Shirley, all for one low monthly fee of $99.95!* Our other calling plans are: The ‘Weeknights After 2am Plan.’ This plan offers you a rate considerably lower than our usual rate of $1.00-per-minute. All long-distance calls are only .75 cents-a-minute, provided your call is made after 2am, and before 5am, and provided the call is to a distance of not more than 50 miles**. The ‘Huge Profit Plan’ is only .65 cents-per-minute, if your call is made to anyone named Harvey. If your call is to anyone not named Harvey, our regular rate of $1.00-per-minute will automatically apply. We also offer ‘The Tin Can Range Plan’ If you call close enough to your house, we’ll only charge .55 cents-per-minute. If you’re not close enough, the regular rate of $1.00-per-minute will apply, even though the house you’re trying to call is right down the way, or right across the street. A good rule of thumb for determining if the house you want to call qualifies for this calling plan is to attach a ball of string to two cans, and, leaving one can inside your house, run the other can to the house you would like to call. If that house can be reached with the other can, it qualifies for the discount sum of .55 cents-per-minute. If the can won’t reach, the regular rate of $1.00-per-minute will apply. This applies to any house which is beyond the reach of the other can. Please press 1 if you would like to sign up for the ‘Bloated Plan.’ Press 2 if you would like to sign up for the ‘Weeknights After 2am Plan.’ Press 3 if you would like to sign up for ‘The Huge Profits Plan.’ Press 4 if you would like to sign up for the ‘Tin-Can Range Plan.’ Press 5 if your neighbors wish you were a little quieter. Press 6 if you would like concrete poured. Press 7 if your dog has gout. Press 8 if you wish we’d stop calling you (it isn’t going to happen, so you might as well pick another number) Press 9 if you enjoy a good bowl of chili. Press 10 if you’re gay. Press 11 if you’ve ever cheated on an entrance exam. Press 12 if you would like these choices repeated. You must press a number. Failure to do so will result in an additional having to guess charge of $75.00. Oh yeah, have a nice day! P.S. Oh, by the way, every call is billed as long-distance; there is no such thing as local calling.”
*Money-Order only; none of this ‘personal check’ s***!
**You will be charged the $1.00-per-minute rate if the call is over a 50-mile radius. Please, don’t even try to fool us; every distance is precisely measured. We’re painfully aware you are a cheap bastard; do you honestly think we’d be dumb enough not to measure the distance?