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The Singing Lumberjack

Miscellaneous By: Mike Stevens

A new musical play!

Submitted:Dec 18, 2011    Reads: 26    Comments: 10    Likes: 1   

The Singing Lumberjack

The Feel-Good One-Act

Musical of the Year!

Written by Gideon Elrod

Words by Ali Cat

Music by Pat Poemeroy

Stage Manager: Joe Attenasio

Scenery painted by: Sherry One

Directed by Don George

Stage-Choreographed by: Nik89 and Micheal Atkinson

Soundtrack Availiable on Tuppa Records

All Photographs by M. Amber Conrad


Flint Steel, the Singing Lumberjack: Mike Molty

Uncle Dibby: Bob Macmaster

Miss Bitty, the Barmaid: Foxy Glover

Slim, the Camp Clown: Bruce Kay

Bruno, the tavern's owner: Wil Ber

Featuring: The Happy Limber-Tones

Male Choir

Act One:

Flint Steel, the Signing Lumberjack, is sitting in a tavern, The Clear-Cut Inn, with Miss Bitty, the barmaid, and Slim, The Camp Clown.

Flint Steel, signing: "Oh, there's nothing better when the workday's done, than slamming back some cold ones, isn't that right hon?"

Miss Bitty, the Barmaid: "Why don't you get your dead a** out of here?"

Flint Steel, singing: "Baby, I know you want me, I'm a real man!"

Miss Bitty: "That's it; I'm cutting you off!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Baby, why must you torture me so? Can't you see I love you, please don't tell me no!"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Men's Choir is singing: "Oh, he loves her so, feeling low, don't you know?"

Miss Bitty: "You make my flesh crawl!"

Flint Steel, singing: "I see a glimmer of hope, so all is not lost!"

Miss Bitty: "You're not only a freak-a**, and one ugly dude, but you're a moron to boot!"

Slim, the Camp Clown: "Hey, did I ever tell you about the guy who was so stupid, he couldn't tell when the pretty waitress wasn't interested?"

Flint Steel, signing: "No, why don't you tell me; this one I don't think I know!"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "He's so stupid he cannot tell, when a chick is telling him to go to hell!"

Slim: "Oh, let's just forget it!"

Miss Bitty: "Look, perv, I'm calling the cops and telling them that there's a moronic, ugly lumberjack who keeps hitting on me, and is so stupid, he can't tell when he has about as much chance of her going out with him, say, as her non-existent poodle does of s***ting on her carpet!"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "He has about as much chance as her non-existent poodle, s***ting on her carpet!"

Uncle Dibby "Hey, how about another beer down here? Instead of having to listen to another edition of 'The Ignorant Lumberjack', I'd rather be slamming brewskies!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Hey, Mister Obnoxious, why don't you just blow off?"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "Oh, there's gonna be a fight; it's gonna be quite a night!"

Uncle Dibby: "Screw you, you dip-s**t!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Listen , you b*****d, don't make me come down there and wail on your face!"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "Oh, listen you b*****d, don't make him come down there and wail on your face!"

Uncle Dibby: "And you, you bunch of limp-wristed dorks, don't you have a local television telethon you can go sing on, and get the hell out of here?"

Flint Steel, singing: "I kind of like them, so back off my friends!"

Suddenly, Uncle Dibby's had enough. He leaps up from where he's sitting, sending the barstool flying, and grabs Flint Steel by the throat, and starts slapping him in the face; first one way and then the other, screaming,

"All I came in here for was a quiet few beers, but what do I get? A loser singing lumberjack singing some uplifting bulls**t; well I've had enough!" and he continues to wail on Flint Steel, who by this time is unconscious and bloody.

The curtain falls, then rises to a punch-drunk Flint Steel and a just plain drunk Uncle Dibby.

Flint Steel, singing: "What day is this, and where am I? And I don't even recall my own name?"

Uncle Dibby: "Good, why don't you leave and go try to find out?"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "That's a great idea, why not leave here and try to find the answers that you seek?"

Miss Bitty: "I'll make it easy for you, this place is closed!"

Uncle Dibby, Flint Steel, and Slappy in unison: "What?"

Uncle Dibby: "This is bulls**t, I, for one, refuse to leave!"

Flint Steel, singing: "I'm not going either; you can't do that!"

Slim: "Me neither!"

Bruno, the owner: "Oh no?"

Now, Bruno stands about 6-6 and is solidly muscled.

Flint Steel, singing: "On second thought, I'm going; I think I'll find a place a little friendlier to me!"

Uncle Dibby: "Well, I guess it IS time to go home, but you fellas have no idea how much crap I'll be going home to!"

Slim: "Oh, your wife gives you a hard time about drinking?"

Uncle Dibby: "No, my toilet's backed up and I came in here to avoid thinking about it for awhile!"

In the background, The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: "Oh, his crapper's backed up, and he came in here to avoid thinking about it for awhile!"

Miss Biddy: "Get out, all of you; I'm locking up!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Well guy's what would you say, to going somewhere else to while the time away?"

Uncle Dibby: "Oh, okay, if you'll promise to stop that fricking singing!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Well, I'll try to tone it down, but it's the only way I can make a sound!"

Uncle Dibby: "That's the way I had it figured; by all means, please just keep quiet!"

Slim: "Oh, I don't have to be back to the logging camp until Monday, so what the hell!"

Flint Steel, singing: "Okay, let's go; there's are beers somewhere else with our names on it, don't you know!"

The End

Please, drive home safe!


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