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How To: Criticise-101

Miscellaneous By: Zin Dar

After finally deciding how to do this, I spent the evening finishing this.
This was inspired partly by Mike Stevens and his awesome humour, but the theme itself came from Khano which suggested this for me. This may not be what she thought of at first, but it turned this way regardless.
I hope enjoy it.

Submitted:Aug 12, 2011    Reads: 68    Comments: 22    Likes: 12   

Many are having problems giving critique properly. Many don't know how to spot the errors, or how to tell the writer, without being too harsh. This is a complete guide that will ensure enhanced critiquing-experience for you and your partner. The stimuli of critique can be soothing, but also painful, so be careful with the motions of your mouth and hands.

There are three elements to critique that you should be aware of: praises, constructive critique and rage comments. All these three will be covered in this complete guide, for only negative 9.99$. That means, if you read it now, we'll send you the money tomorrow. Read now!

As mentioned, there are three things to consider. But through those three things, there is one thing you should take into consideration for all of them. Your honesty is never wanted. You should never tell the truth, but what the writer DON'T want to hear. Making up false errors like: "You write false wrong" will have the writer wondering and ensures you a good laugh. Try to get to know the writer through his or her writing before commenting, it may give you an idea of what to comment on.


This interesting art of constructive positive statements was first found in a 10'000 year old fossil, in mid-Denmark. Two men were found, where one was patting the other on the shoulder, while holding out a stick which he had written something on. The stick was translated into: "Decent kill, he was a nuisance. You'll get the pelt at drop-off point tomorrow."

The use of praises can never be over-done. Exaggerations like: "Congratulations my four-year old son, on your first steps! It is truly a marvel of God we've received right here, which he has bestowed upon us. What a display of power and strength! You, my son, will be king one day, and when you do, you will rule the world and drive it to poverty and plight, and you will laugh at their faces, while your spit runs down the back of their heads, while you enjoy a life of riches and bitches, and you will die a happy man when you are two hundred! You are such a wonder of the world!" are always appreciated.

Other times, it is enough with just "nice".

While in most cases, people will appreciate: "What extraordinary, outstanding, astonishing piece of shit you have here!"

Experiment for yourselves. You may try any adjective, see the reaction of the one getting the message and learn whether it was good or bad. If they like it, they will often say something similar to: "Thank you SIR, I REALLY appreciate your WONDERFUL shitty comment." Dislikes may sound like: "good" (note that capital 'g' on 'good' is often what differentiate between dislikes and likes).

Constructive Critique:

This is all about patching the hole in the wall. The two sub-elements of construction are planks and nails. Once you have identified the hole, you must grab your plank. Tell the writer that you have a plank there, that there really is something that could fix the hole. Without the plank, the writer will question whether the hole can be fixed or not. Most readers are able to hold a plank, but not all are able to use the nails. With the plank ready at hand, you place it at the hole, while positioning the nails. Using your GrammarHammar you must smack the nails hard, ensuring a loud THUD, alerting the writer about your planks and nails. Once you have sealed the hole, show the writer how it looks. If he or she doesn't like it, he or she may tear it down and build it himself or herself, or leave it open. Whatever his or her decision, you will have done some work that will yield experience.

In easier terms, you must identify the error and give advice for what is correct. If you are not able to see the error, you should ask your mother. If you are not able to comprehend what is wrong, ask your father. If you aren't able to do either, ask the grandfather of your friend's uncle's friend's children (but only if your uncle has friends).


This brings us to the most important part of giving critique. Rage is never a good idea to be expressed upon the writer, but let's off steam and frustration, so it's helpful for oneself. Raging is a delicate act which must be handled in a careful and orderly manner, otherwise it may go quite out of hand.

A two thousand year old recipe was found in the 1700's near Pompeii. It is speculated that the volcano itself was the maker of this important beveRAGE only referred to as "A Cup of Rage". The expression is often thrown around "Here, have a cup of rage", but it cannot be stressed how important it is for your critique.

Ingredients for one cup (2dl water)
- two DL boiling water (101 degrees)
- exactly one pinch of (CH3)2CHCH=CH(CH2)4CONHCH2C6H3-4-(OH)-3-(OCH3))
- one whole Trinidad Scorpion Butch T pepper (World's Hottest Chilli)
- five curse words

When brewing this delicate drink, curse at it while adding the chemicals and ground chilli into the boiling water. Stir in the process. When the beveRAGE is turning red, smash it with a hammer until it turns blue. Your cup is served.

Enjoy your cup of rage while writing down everything negative you may think of to the writer.

I hope you've learnt something from this. I will now attempt a little summary for you. This may be one of the ways you critique the work: "How delightfully wrong you were in that garbage. You monster can't even write something as easy as 'Marvellous decapitation'. There should be a comma after 'maim' there, as it will express your true inner meaning of this master piece."

Remember, if you didn't learn anything from it, you were paying attention.

Good day.

PS. No writer likes to have their "I like it" button clicked.


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