Oh my good god. She is so damn ugly. Why the hell, is she so damn ugly? Seriously, what happened? Absolutely vile. Honestly though, according to mother’s “Guide to Adolescence” pamphlet, a woman hits her physical prime between the ages 14-19! Obviously, this does not apply to her!
Just to give you a vague notion of how positively atrocious this pathetic excuse for a 17 year old high school student actually is, we are going to complete a small activity. First, I'd like you picture the most grotesque human being in the world. Go on. Do it. Seriously. Now. Are you doing it?
Now, I would like you to keep this image in mind. Zoom in on one of this creature’s many blemishes.
The girl I’m talking about? She is 10 times uglier than that. Legit. I am completely serious. 100% honest. This is NOT an exaggeration.
Everybody else that likes her -not that I like her- is an absolute neanderthal! It’s absolutely repulsive! Who likes that much brawn? Not me! I prefer brains. Not that I’m not a muscular guy. I will have you know, that I am very muscular. It’s just a sinewy kind of muscle, lean power. I swear.
It could be considered odd, that members of the opposite sex might find this specimen attractive if she is so damn ugly. Well, let me start off by explaining to you, that human attraction is a deeply abstract concept. As everybody who currently lusts after that deformed bigot is all brawn, no brains, they have warped perception of what is attractive. Also, they themselves are bigots, so I guess that they aim low, as to not disappoint themselves, as lusting after a slightly below average to average looking human being, is placing the bar, at a substantially higher level than they are able to achieve.
As you have guessed by now, as I am charismatic even on paper (Knickers up ladies), I’m pretty much a chick magnet. Ladies can’t get enough of this hot bod. Yep. Theodore Fergus, a.k.a no. 1 player!!! Can’t contain this tiger! Rawr! Watch out ladies. Hah. I’m an attractive guy. My mother told me so. That means it’s true. My mother is a very principled individual. She is an avid supporter of the smart-casual look, as am I. It could be said that I am somewhat debauched in this department. I sport a vest to school. And a tie. And a pair of sensible, black loafers. I can pull it off though. Definitely. Pussy 25/7 if you know what I’m sayin’!!!!
Over the years I, and others around me have come to realize that my attire adds an air of sophistication to my “bad boy” persona. Chicks dig it. Ladies just view me as this unapproachable suave superstar. It’s both a blessing, and a curse. The ladies that attend my school institution, are far too afraid to be rejected to directly try their luck, but they lust in secret. I know this, because when I walk by large groups of ladies, they giggle. I’m no expert, but I read in one of mother’s pamphlets that girls, do in fact giggle whilst in the presence of the male of their dreams, so as to appear nonchalant and approachable. I have analyzed this theory, and I am walking proof of it’s vindication because, why else would they giggle?
Where were we? Right, we were having a civilized one sided internal debate, discussing how U-G-L-Y that creature is! Even her name is repulsive. I do not wish to say it. But I will you know, for your sake. Alright. Here it is. It’s name. Her name, is Jessica Alexanders. See how damn nice I am?? I said the forbidden words, just to satisfy your curiosity! Ha! Worst decision of her life! Rejecting me, that is. Not that I wanted to court her, or have any obscene romantic relations with the maggot, as that would surely end in me slitting my own throat, just to escape the terrible stench alone that wafts from her mouth. It was just a, well you know, a what-if situation, minus the what-if part. Hah. She’s disgusting, don’t be an idiot.
I have to go to school.