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The Devil's Inglorious Advocate

Novel By: Jan Gabriel

This is a curiously twisted narration of a story set in Hell, about a man named Randy, and about the things he will be doing in the days to come. It is not at all horrific or terrifying; it is only ingloriously unsettling, and for those who enjoy a bit of hellish humor it will be something that you will most likely enjoy. View table of contents...


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Submitted:Apr 26, 2012    Reads: 24    Comments: 2    Likes: 0   

I am Legion, for We are many.

Welcome to Hell. Call it what you must-the dark crevices of the underworld, the palace of doom and gloom, the house of nightmares, etcetera. Ah, goodness gracious. You humans certainly do have a way with words.

Welcome to Hell. It is our home, sweet homeā€¦ home, bittersweet home.

Actually, a lot that has been said about Hell have been a tad bitexaggerated-although we would be lying if we said they weren't at leastpartiallytrue-and any self-respecting denizen of the netherworld will tell you so. Before anything else, we would like to make clear a few things:

Firstly, Hell is not a dark crevice. In stark contrast to that statement, Hell happens to be very well-lit in most places. But that goes without saying, seeing as how there'sfireeverywhere, although on some days we turn to other alternative sources of light when we start running low on wood and coal (and raw human flesh, but they're hardly the most effective heat conductors so we usually save those for the surprise birthday parties). Desk lamps, for example. We like desk lamps. The ones with the pretty blue ribbons especially.

Secondly, Hell is notjusta palace of doom and gloom, but then again that would depend heavily on who exactly you were referring to. If you were talking about the poor souls who end up in our den of pleasures for whatever reason then yes, doom and gloom are served in hefty spoonfuls here (sometimes bucketfuls, when we decide to spice up the routine). If you were referring to us demons, then the more appropriate words would be "giddy" and "minimum wage". We are actually quite happy with our careers as executioners of infinite woe and agony, but we feel somewhat underpaid considering all the effort we put into our kind and honest work.

And third, who needs nightmares? Our very existence is a God-damn nightmare, literally and metaphorically speaking. We would not want it any other way.

Now then, on to the story.


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