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Sideways

Novel By: JetBlakk
Humor



OK, OK, I am cheating again. This is another play I wrote a while back that was produced in Australia during the 2002 International Melbourne Fringe Festival, and the 2003 International Melbourne Comedy Festival. It was a real crowd pleaser, if you want to put it on just let me know. Incidently, it was written and produced a couple of years before a film of the same name, just for the record... View table of contents...


Chapters:

1 2 3 4

Submitted:Apr 1, 2007    Reads: 97    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


SCENE 3

Mad Dog is spray panting graffiti on a wall Shane enters and squats at the opposite end of the stage.

MAD DOG

Mad Dog is jumping around the stage maniacally.

You know what I said to him man, I said I'm TNT, I'm dynamite, I don't need no knife to win the fight, watch me explode. He freaked out man; I really had it over him then.

SHANE

That's an ACDC song, you didn't say that.

MAD DOG

Yeah, whatever man, maybe I just thought that, I dunno, still, he didn't want to fuck with me. He just knew I was trouble, he could see it in my eyes. You look in my eyes, see how crazy I look, you wouldn't fuck with me man, would ya, I mean if you didn't know me. Yeah that's cos' I'm an animal and this is one big fucking concrete jungle. I didn't need to tell him, he could sense it. He just asked me again, do you have a train ticket, he didn't know what else to say, I psyched him out.

SHANE

You're full of shit,

MAD DOG

No, you don't understand, it's...

SHANE

You still got a fucken fine didn't you?

MAD DOG

I was just making a point, ya know. Like I'm always just this fucking close to cracking, and if I do, well watch out world. It's our generation that has been fucked over the most, we're the ones left with the mess and we are pissed off. We are standing on the edge of the abyss; we are on the fucking precipice of oblivion.

SHANE

Geezus

MAD DOG

I have clarity, I see through the shit; I see it how it is.

SHANE

But you still fucking speak shit.

MAD DOG

It's like that fucking song.

SHANE

What fucking song?

MAD DOG

Don't push me cos' I'm close to the edge, It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under, huh huh, it's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

SHANE

Christ - the boy's in da hood.

MAD DOG

Better believe it man, better believe it.

SHANE

You watch too much TV.

MAD DOG

There is a war in the streets, in the suburbs. In the very fucking homes of the safe middle class majority. Right under their noses...

SHANE

The only war going on is the one inside your head; too bad you can't keep it in there.

MAD DOG

That reminds me, here I got something for you

Mad Dog removes a Merc car badge from his pocket and gives it to Shane

SHANE

Gee mate, you've giving me a car, in installments, 'spose I get the steering wheel next week, huh.

MAD DOG

No it's a sacrifice from corrupt capitalist controllers, that is the new world order.

SHANE

OK, OK, what ever, now for fuck sake just sit down and shut up; Christ.

MAD DOG

It's better too die on you feet than live on your knees.

SHANE

And it's also better to sit down and shut the fuck up than get a smack in the head from your mate. We are trying to be inconspicuous.

Mad Dog sits down briefly then jumps up again.

MAD DOG

Mate I'm inconspicuous, I'm a fucking chameleon; I just blend in to the urban background. It's about using your intuition, harnessing the reptilian mind, using your wits.

SHANE

Well I reckon you've used all yours, which would make you witless. Mr. Lizard King. We'll have to put you in the witless protection program.

MAD DOG

Now there's someone that made it

SHANE

Who?

MAD DOG

The Lizard King, Jim Morrison from The Doors.

SHANE

Oh god here we go.

MAD DOG

You know that they are named after the doors of perception, you go through them and you are on the other side.

SHANE

No shit.

MAD DOG

He was stoned, immaculate. He made the transition.

SHANE

He O'Ded in the fucking bath.

MAD DOG

He used the drugs as a vehicle. That's what we are trying to do, get clarity to see the real picture.

SHANE

Fuckin hell�

MAD DOG

We are merely end products of a society in decline buddy, of the industrial revolution.

SHANE

You are like a stuck record, with all your revolutions. Round and round, the same old shit, you're ranting again. When you're an old prick, you'll be one of those toothless freaks with no pants on, shouting gibberish on some street corner. People will cross the road to avoid you.

MAD DOG

Fuckin hell look around. Can't you see the state of the world, it's all going down the toilet, the planet is dying. It's the system, yeah the bloody system, we're all part of it, we all help perpetuate the myth.

SHANE

What myth?

MAD DOG

The myth of sitcom happiness, the myth of normality, the myth that everything is good. It makes my stomach turn. The whole world is in denial, but we all feel it, we all know we are living a lie. Slam a plane into a skyscraper and we all stop in our tracks and think shit, it's finally happening, the house of cards is gunna fall. But then after awhile we slip back into the lie, it's easier that way, 'cos it's such a head fuck. It's too big a thing; it's too late.

Mad Dog turns to the audience and removes the fourth wall.

Brothers and sisters, throw your TV's out the window, quit your jobs, burn your Nikes, just do it. Let's show those bastards who's in control. Do something, for fuck sake, do anything.

It's a quiet revolution; we are all martyrs in the fight.

SHANE

Mate the only ones we are hurting is our selves.

MAD DOG

We aren't the problem; we are a symptom of the problem.

SHANE

Where the fuck is this Mr. Dangle mate of yours'.

MAD DOG

It's Mr. Dang. Fuck, when he comes don't call him Mr. Dangle, this prick is seriously heavy duty, he's a professional.

SHANE

If he's a professional why is he so fucking late?

MAD DOG

He'll come, just chill.

SHANE

This better not be another one of your sure things. Cos' I've heard that one before.

MAD DOG

I told you, he'll come.

SHANE

He'd better.

MAD DOG

It'll be worth the wait. This bloke's gear is like a fucking punch in the head, choice. It's like some one puts a finger in each of your nostrils, and blamo, rips your head clean fucking off. You'll have a shit eating grin from ear to ear, beaming for fucking hours. This shit is a fucking religious experience.

SHANE

Whatever.

Mad Dog's mobile phone rings, he answers,

MAD DOG

Yep, yeah, yep, yep, yep.

Mad Dog hangs up.

He's there.

SHANE

Where?

MAD DOG

Round the corner.

SHANE

Bout fucken time, lets go.

Shane stands up.

MAD DOG

No, you should wait here.

SHANE

What?

MAD DOG

You should wait here.

SHANE

I should wait here

MAD DOG

Yeah

SHANE

Fuck off, I'm comin

MAD DOG

You can't

SHANE

I can't?

MAD DOG

Yeah.

SHANE

Why?

MAD DOG

He only likes to only deal with me exclusively, you gotta be in the loop, gotta be introduced.

SHANE

Well intro-fuckin-duce me then.

MAD DOG

That would not be cool, it's not protocol man.

SHANE

You wouldn't be dickin me would ya?

MAD DOG

Mate, it's me!

SHANE

OK, OK, just don't get burnt.

MAD DOG

Mate, it's me.

SHANE

I know, that's what I'm worried about.

MAD DOG

It'll be so sweet mate

Mad Dog quickly leaves stage.

SHANE

That's what you said last time, ended up with half an once of castor sugar.

Mad Dog returns, he looks happy, he's strutting.� Shane jumps up.

SHANE

Well?

MAD DOG

Mate!

Mad Dog waves a baggy in front of Shane.

SHANE

Mate.

Shane grabs the baggy off Mad Dog and puts in his pocket.

SHANE

Viva the revolution.

Eddie enters stage, carrying an inspect today billboard under his arm, he looks pissed off. He sees the spray can lying on the ground, he picks it up.

EDDIE

Which one of you little pricks graffitied on that wall?

MAD DOG

That's art, not graffiti.

EDDIE

Geezus, I sick to the back teeth of you dole bludgin' junky scumbags loitering around the streets.

MAD DOG

Hey listen you fascist pig. Just cos' we don't conform to your patriarchal stereotypical image. Just cos' we don't wear a suit, you think that gives you the right to pigeon hole us as drug dependent unemployed graffiti artists.

EDDIE

Artist, you little cock sucker, bullshit artist maybe.

MAD DOG

You really think you have got it sussed don't ya? Guilty till proven innocent ah? There's no justice just us.

SHANE

Shane stands between Mad Dog and Eddie.

Shut up dick head. Listen mate we didn't do it, OK? Anyway that's been there for ages.

EDDIE

Yeah and I'm Mary fuckin Poppins. Don't piss in my pocket.

MAD DOG

Yeah like my soul brother here told ya, we didn't do it, and we're not unemployed and we are not junkies. So don't judge a book by its cover.

EDDIE

Looking at Shane.

Really? Then why the fuck in the paint still wet. And if you have jobs, why aren't you at work, and if you're not junkies why the hell do you look so strung out.

SHANE

Shane pushes Eddie.

Like I said, We didn't fuckin do it, so back off.

EDDIE

Yeah, or what?

Eddie notices the Merc badge in Shane's hand.

EDDIE

What the fuck... That's off my Merc. You fucking little cunt.

Eddie grabs Shane in a head lock and pulls his nose..

MAD DOG

Stop or....

EDDIE

Eddie jumps up and faces� Mad Dog.

Or what, eh... Eh?

Mad Dog, afraid, backs away then runs off stage. Shane starts to stand up, as Eddie starts to turn around Shane punches him in the head. This drops Eddie to his knees, Shane then kicks him in the guts.

SHANE

Fuckin yuppie cunt.

Eddie is gasping for breath doubled over on the floor. Shane starts to exit, hears Eddie is having trouble breathing so he turns around and offers him a hand up.

Get up, come on.

EDDIE

Eddie accepts Shane's hand, Shane pulls him to his feet. Eddie then knees Shane in the balls. Shane bends over in agony

You know what your problem is, no stamina, no fucking substance, no grit. I've seized every opportunity that's come my way, fought hammer and tong for everything.

Eddie knees Shane in the head, then head butts him.

�Then you get some degenerate piece of shit like you (letting go of Shane, he falls to the ground like a bag of potatoes) that throws it all away, it's a bloody crime. (kicks Shane in the guts). Best thing my dad ever did for me was give me a regular hiding, toughen me up, knocked some sense into me (kicks Shane again). With out realizing it the old prick was actually helping me develop some good old fashion values, (kicks him again) a work ethic.

SHANE

Coughing up blood and groaning, whimpering

EDDIE

So consider this a favour, inspiration even.

Stop crying whimp

Eddie kneels down and grabs Shane by the hair and starts banging his face into the floor

EDDIE

Shouts in Shane's ear.

I am not like you I'm different. (Shane moans) I'm not listening. I just don't want to hear it, not from you(bangs his head), not from my wife (bangs his head), not from my doctor (bangs his head), and not from my dad, god rest his soul.

Eddie drops the unconscious Shane and starts going through his pockets, he finds the bag of drugs. He opens the bag, he dips his finger in and licks it. Smiling he puts the bag in his pocket.

But when you think about it, our society is built on not listening. Like when people say;

�"How are you?"

Eddie sits on Shane.

Well apart from the swollen vein sticking out my arse that stings like a bull ant bite every time I sit down; and these recurring nightmares that are welling up unresolved childhood issues, yeah, I'm fucking dandy.

But you don't what to hear that, as a society we don't what to hear that. You want to hear� "fine and how about you", so you can lie back to me "Oh I'm good".

So ya see, not listening is the secret to my success.

Eddie stands up, his hands are covered in blood, he pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket, removing one he lights up.� He inhales deeply, he looks like he's just had sex.

That was great. My doctor told me to reduce my stress levels; you've been a tremendous help, thank you. (starts wiping blood off his face with a hanky)

SCENE 4

Eddie and Michael are standing on the edges of the stage facing the audience, the inspect today sign is in the middle of the stage in between them.

EDDIE

Eddie is fixing up his clothes.

(smoking) Fucking dog box.

MICHAEL

What?

EDDIE

This place, it's a fucking dog box.

MICHAEL

Sure is.

EDDIE

But we will sell it today.

MICHAEL

You bet we will. Love you work, you pitch was flawless

EDDIE

You just got to tell them what they want to hear.

MICHAEL

Well you certainly did that; you're a real artist, you really now the craft.

EDDIE

You gotta know how to read people.

MICHAEL

I mean you've really made this place sound better than it is.

EDDIE

It all comes down to image, take any fast food chain, the food looks like shit, tastes like shit, and is made from shit. However, with an effective marketing campaign, it's made to look desirable, and hence lots of people buy it. They even think it's good value.

MICHAEL

I see.

EDDIE

I merely apply the same principles to selling real estate. A splash of paint, a bit of rendering and cladding, give it a name, like Clifton Lodge, and presto, a scummy block of flats becomes something desirable.

MICHAEL

I think I see where you're coming from. It is all about buzz words isn't it?

EDDIE

Buzz words?

MICHAEL

Yeah, like refurbished town house, instead of repainted flat, high-density city living instead of over-crowded, compact instead of pokey, bargain instead of cheap. They all add to the illusion.

EDDIE

Exactly.

MICHAEL

Exactly.

EDDIE

It's also important that a property has the key features, if it to attract it's full price potential.

MICHAEL

What, like off street parking, central heating, double-glazed windows.

EDDIE

Yes and no. I mean those are your more classical features. I was referring to the more fashionable ones. Today a property isn't a home, it's a fashion statement, a trend that changes with the seasons.

MICHAEL

Michael turns and eagerly walks over to Eddie.

So what are this seasons trends?

EDDIE

Eddie walks distainfully over to the other side of the stage, not looking at Michael.

Lots of glass, stainless steel finishes, granite kitchens, north facing balconies, home security systems, that sort of thing.

MICHAEL

Everyone wants designer town houses to go with their designer lifestyles and designer friends.

EDDIE

Designer, now there is one of your buzz words.

MICHAEL

Exactly. We should write a book.

EDDIE

Nah fuck that, trade secrets, don't want everyone knowing our tricks

MICHAEL

Guess you're right

EDDIE

It's a great time to be selling real estate right now, the market has gone nuts, we are selling people C grade properties at A grade prices. We are selling places off the plans, before they are even built for Christ's sake. Just the other day a developer pulls down an old shoe factory erects a billboard with a computer-generated image of this modern multi story town house development. I cook up the pitch;

"A marvel of architectural design, seamlessly fusing functional spaces with the exquisite enclosed courtyard garden. Streams of natural light will pour into the living areas and bounce off the new age finishes of stone, timber, steel and glass as you look out to your breathtaking panoramic view of the city."

MICHAEL

Michael rushes over to Eddie.

That's beautiful... Poetry.

EDDIE

Eddie walks over to the over side of the stage.

And it worked; we sold every last one of them at auction. It was unbelievable, the bidders were all standing in this big muddy vacant lot as I was darting all over the place waving my arms and saying things like "if you could just image" and "visualize if you would". We sold the lot. They were climbing over each other to put in the highest bid.

MICHAEL

Michael looks inspired.

Fantastic.

EDDIE

But the bubble will burst.

MICHAEL

What do you mean?

EDDIE

It's a sellers market right now, but with the current economic instability, the world verging on recession, I wouldn't buy property right now. They are grossly over priced.

MICHAEL

Michael walks up to Eddie.

So you reckon most people are better off renting right now.

EDDIE

Eddie walks to other side of the stage again.

Yep, better off investing your money, you get a much better return. A big mistake getting caught up in some mortgage for some over priced dog box like this.

MICHAEL

It's like a jungle out there.

EDDIE

And we are the top predators. We are like cats amongst the pigeons

MICHAEL

What, like sharks?

EDDIE

Yep, we are the top of the food chain.

MICHAEL

I guess it all fits into the theory of evolution. Like natural selection, survival of the fittest.

EDDIE

Yeah whatever. They're here.

Eddie stubs out his cigarette.

Time to close in for the kill... I can almost taste it.

Michael and Eddie start to address the audience, bringing down the fourth wall.

Both Eddie and Michael step off the stage and into the audience.

Well here it is, breath taking isn't it.

MICHAEL

Michael moves right up to the back of the audience.

I tell you places like this don't stay on the market for long, especially at the price they are asking.

EDDIE

We have another two buyers looking this afternoon.

MICHAEL

Let us show you round.

EDDIE

It has to be seen to be believed.

MICHAEL

It an absolute gem, its bursting with panache.

EDDIE

Relish, if you would the absolute euphoria of coming home to this little oasis after a hectic day in the city.

MICHAEL

Michael runs back to the stage centre.

As you open the door you are greeted by the warmth of the sun-dappled hallway.

EDDIE

See how the beautiful parquetry style lino print flooring enhances the granite toned laminex bench tops in the kitchen.

MICHAEL

Yes, that's a nice touch. It complements the cream of lemon finish on the walls.

It's a great size kitchen, not too big, functional.

EDDIE

Please come through to the open plan living/dining area.

MICHAEL

Now this has a lot of potential

EDDIE

Sure does, gas heating, great for those cold winter nights, notice the authentic imitation logs, gives it that cozy feel.� Come and look at the bathroom.

MICHAEL

Oh I just love that lavender water closet, with the matching sink, on a pedestal no less, priceless.

EDDIE

A bath with a shower, together, good space economy.

MICHAEL

They've thought of everything haven't they?

EDDIE

Sure have. Have you seen the bedroom?

MICHAEL

You've got to see the bedroom.

EDDIE

Look at that.

MICHAEL

Freshly steam cleaned carpets; look as good as new.

EDDIE

That's original 70's shagpile.

MICHAEL

Don't mind that musty smell, it's just...

EDDIE

Just been freshly painted, that's why. Notice the built in wardrobes, plenty of space there.

MICHAEL

Overall a great little bargain. It's priced to sell.

EDDIE

It won't last long this one.

MICHAEL

Opportunity only knocks once.

EDDIE

Too true.

MICHAEL

This a perfect start to a bright future, just the thing for a first homebuyer.

EDDIE

Eddie walks back into the audience.

With today's economic uncertainty, global recession looming, job insecurity and a volatile stock market, property is the only way to go. It's the safe, sensible option.

MICHAEL

Michael is standing centre stage, next to the sign with his hands crossed.

Can't go past bricks and mortar. Invest in your future.

EDDIE

It's a buyer's market right now but its going to change, now is the time to buy real estate.

MICHAEL

Renting is just dead money, a real waste.

EDDIE

That's for sure.

EDDIE

Did a mention the north-facing balcony?

MICHAEL

Don't think you did.

EDDIE

How could I forget the balcony?

MICHAEL

An added bonus.

Michael turns to face the back of the stage, Eddie comes back onto the stage.

Much sought after, north facing balconies.

EDDIE

Eddie has his back to the audience.

Look at that, what a vista.

MICHAEL

Michael turns to face the audience.

You could relax on your balcony, perched above the bustling street below.

EDDIE

Eddie still has his back to the audience.

Don't mind the traffic noise or exhaust fumes, settles after lunch.

MICHAEL

Then it's positively serene.

EDDIE

Eddie turns from the window.

This place is all location.

MICHAEL

Location.

EDDIE

Location.

MICHAEL

Eddie and Michael move to the edge of the stage and stand, with the sigh in between them .

It's got the lot, close to public transport. Nestled in between all these factory outlets.

EDDIE

What more could you ask for.

MICHAEL

Oh, and don't worry about those commission flats across the road, the local residents have just successfully lobbied for it to be converted into modern town houses.

EDDIE

That will push the single mothers, junkie dole bludgers, and other low lifes' right out of the neighborhood and up the value of the whole street.

MICHAEL

So now really is the time to buy.

EDDIE

Eddie steps into the audience and slips a business card in an audience member's shirt pocket. Then returns to his position on the stage.

I can assure you wouldn't regret it.

Eddie and Michael look at each other.

We'll leave you now. Please free to stay awhile.

MICHAEL

To enjoy the ambience of your new home.

EDDIE

Eddie removes a cigarette from a pack and lights up. Eddie and Michael swap sides of the stage and stand at the back edge of the stage. As Michael passes the sign, he picks it up.

In the bag mate

MICHAEL

Hopefully.

EDDIE

For sure. Lunch?

The Doctor appears at the edge of stage.

MICHAEL

Definitely.

DOCTOR

So, how have you been since the last time I saw you?

Mad Dog appears at the opposite side of the stage.

EDDIE

I'm so hungry I could eat the arse out of a fly blown sheep.

MAD DOG

Not bad, not bad.

DOCTOR

When was that, two days ago?

Eddie and Michael exit.

SCENE 5

The Doctor and Mad Dog are sitting in his surgery. It appears as though Mad Dog is having a consultation.

MAD DOG

I went to an exhibition opening the other night, that was good, bit hung over now though, feeling a bit seedy.

DOCTOR

So what else have you been doing?

MAD DOG

Flat out, networking with people, doing some painting, could I get something, I've had I really bad day.

DOCTOR

Hmmm, I see, painting aye?

MAD DOG

Yeah, I've been getting right into it actually, street art and that. Could I get a get a little something, to tide me over, please.

� DOCTOR

That's not going to solve your problems.

MAD DOG

Aye?

DOCTOR

Oh come on let's not play this stupid game

MAD DOG

What do you mean?

DOCTOR

Every time, for Christ's sake.

MAD DOG

Look you know what I'm here for, I'm going cold turkey.

DOCTOR

No not this time, not today.

MAD DOG

Thought you were meant to help people, not torment them. What about your hypercritical oath.

DOCTOR

The Doctor punches Mad Dog in the stomach. Mad Dog drops to the floor, Doctor, holds him down.

That's Hippocratic, you oath.

DOCTOR

Had enough?

MAD DOG

Mad Dog is face down on the ground, hitting the floor with his hand like a wrestler.

OK, OK stop... stop you win OK?

DOCTOR

Maybe I don't want to stop.

MAD DOG Arhh, you're really hurting me

DOCTOR You started this

MAD DOG What?! Arrh fuck

DOCTOR You heard me

MAD DOG

Stop or I'll tell Dad.

DOCTOR

Tell Dad what?

MAD DOG

You know what.

DOCTOR

What?

MAD DOG Don't give me what

DOCTOR

You wouldn't.

MAD DOG

I wouldn't I, think about it.

DOCTOR

Doctor lets go of Mad Dog.

Think you're pretty smart don't you?

MAD DOG

Imagine what Dad would say. He's always crapping on about how proud he is of you.

DOCTOR

You're just jealous of my entrepreneurial skills.

MAD DOG

Entrepreneurial, is that what you call it

DOCTOR

It's all kosher.

MAD DOG You're twisted, do you that?

DOCTOR

I'm not.

MAD DOG Of course you're not.

DOCTOR

Well I'm not.

MAD DOG

Not what eh, what aren't ya?

DOCTOR

OK, OK here is a couple of Valium, you are obviously quite distressed.

Doctor hands Mad Dog a couple of pills. Mad Dog snatches them off him and looks closely at them, he's not impressed.

MAD DOG

Two 5 milligrams, what the fuck, I'm not some housewife with insomnia. I need something with a bit more kick; I'm climbing the fucking walls here. It will break dad's heart when I tell him.

Mad dog takes the pills and swallows them in one gulp.

DOCTOR

You go tell dad, see if I care. You tell dad and I'll tell dad.

MAD DOG

Tell dad what.

DOCTOR

You know what.

MAD DOG

What?

DOCTOR

Don't give me what.

MAD DOG

You wouldn't.

DOCTOR

I would.

MAD DOG

Think you're pretty smart don't you. You're a cunt.

DOCTOR

Now, if you would excuse me I've got patients...

MAD DOG

Not with me you don't, nobody's got patience with me. Ever considered why I'm the way I am. It's all your fault. I'm feeling very delicate right now, nobody understands me.

DOCTOR

It's all about choices.

MAD DOG

Choices you reckon? Well I spat out the silver spoon. At least I'm not living a lie.

DOCTOR

We all have the free will to carve our own life path.

MAD DOG

Oh not philosophy 101, again... Please

DOCTOR

Life is too short, just go out into the world and achieve something, but just do it with conviction.

MAD DOG Starts walking around the room, playing with the Doctor's instruments.

Geezus, now you sound like mum. "You can do anything you want in this life, be whatever you want to be"

DOCTOR

Well she had a point. Hey don't touch that.

Doctor grabs the stethoscope of Mad Dog.

MAD DOG

Yeah right, as long as it was wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer.

DOCTOR

Come on that's a load of...

MAD DOG

Drastic action man it's the only way.

Doctor jumps to his feet, walks over to Mad Dog.

DOCTOR

Get off your bloody soapbox would you. Get over it and grow up.

MAD DOG

That attitude is so fucking typical.

DOCTOR

If you really want to make a difference, change the world, why don't you do something, get involved.

MAD DOG

Ah fuck off. What like you ya mean? Recycle my empty bottles and old newspapers, have a dollar a month deducted from my credit card to go to Amnesty international, save the fucking whales and some poor starving kid in Africa. That's a nice little arrangement isn't it, gee a clean conscience is cheaper than life for you isn't it. So that's how you sleep at night. You make me sick.

DOCTOR

Well it's more than you bloody do isn't it.

MAD DOG

Nah I'm a lone wolf, an Eco-terrorist, an urban guerilla.

I choose to be a drug dealin junky scumbag.� I'm just doing my bit for the world. Cos' if Mankind is the scourge of the planet, and drugs are the scourge of mankind, then really, I'm contributing to the greater good.

DOCTOR

What smash a few phone boxes, scratch the paint off the side of a four-wheel drive.� Wow.� Selling drugs to save the planet, you're full of shit. You're more like the boy who cried wolf, than a lone wolf

Doctor howls like a wolf then laughs.

MAD DOG

Fuck you.

� DOCTOR

Look if you are serious about trying to make a difference, it like Dad says. To bring about effective change one must do it from the inside.

MAD DOG

What a load of bullshit. What like you and he have done. No count me out, I want no part of it. I live on the streets. I eat, sleep and shit on the streets. I am the fucking street.

DOCTOR

Oh yeah, what about this new trendy town house Dads buying for you then eh?

MAD DOG

It's not a town house so much, more of an artist studio, and it's not for me. I'm just gunna sorta squat there, it's a transient sorta thing, I have no worldly possessions like the Buddhist monks, speaking of which can you spot me a 100, I'm tapped out.

DOCTOR

No, I'm not covering you any more.

MAD DOG

You have to.

DOCTOR

No I don't.� It's time for you to stand on your own; it's for your own good.

MAD DOG

I'll have to do something really drastic to survive.

DOCTOR

Good.

MAD DOG

I mean it, I will.

DOCTOR

Then off you go, out into the world, go and do it.

MAD DOG

I going

DOCTOR

If life is a highway...

Mad Dog exits, Eddie and Michael enter.

EDDIE

Trust me, you're gunna love it.

DOCTOR

And destiny is a car...

MICHAEL

I don't know if I can, not this week, not again.

DOCTOR

Then make sure you are the driver.





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