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Sideways

Novel By: JetBlakk
Humor



OK, OK, I am cheating again. This is another play I wrote a while back that was produced in Australia during the 2002 International Melbourne Fringe Festival, and the 2003 International Melbourne Comedy Festival. It was a real crowd pleaser, if you want to put it on just let me know. Incidently, it was written and produced a couple of years before a film of the same name, just for the record... View table of contents...


Chapters:

1 2 3 4

Submitted:Apr 1, 2007    Reads: 70    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


SCENE 8 �

A jeweler is in his shop, he is on the phone.

JEWELER

(On the phone)

This is a real job, how can you say that. Mum, we have gone through this before. I'm a jeweler mum, an artist, OK. I know, I know.

Michael enters the shop; he is carrying a large painting, a shopping bag and a large roll of paper. He starts looking at the jewelry in the shop.

Look I am trying to do what makes me happy, can't you understand...

Jeweler lowers his voice conscious of Michael's presence.

I don't want to come and work for Dad. It's got nothing to do with that; I just don't want to be an accountant, that's... Look a good income isn't the be all and end all of... I got to go, now mum, I've got a customer. Yes a customer. I hope he does too. Yes Mum. Yes. Look I've... Yes mum. And I, well that to you too. What? Mum. OK I love you too mum. OK bye mum.

Jeweler hangs up phone.

Sorry about that, can I help you?

MICHAEL

Wow, this is great, really great, so you made all this of this stuff eh?

JEWELER

Yeah most of it, some of it is...

MICHAEL

All by you self then?

JEWELER

Yeah like I was saying some of it I buy from...

MICHAEL

Fantastic, really fantastic, so you must be an artist then.

JEWELER

Well yes actually, but this stuff is more my bread and butter the stuff I love to...

MICHAEL

So this is art then?

JEWELER

Sorry?

MICHAEL

Art, A, R, T, art.

JEWELER

Why yes it is, thank you for noticing.

MICHAEL

You are well on the way to Mecca then,

JEWELER

What?

MICHAEL

On your pilgrimage, your journey to the soul.

JEWELER

Look are being sarcastic, cos I don't appreciate...

MICHAEL

So beautifully crafted, such attention to detail. really amazing stuff.� Gee you must be really satisfied, being an artist, creating such, such... wonderful creations. I bet you feel like you have found your place in life, spiritually at peace. I actually really admire that. You are really being true to yourself. Must be wonderful.

JEWELER

Well, yes and no. I'd be happier if I sold a bit more; things are a bit tight, what with overheads and all. Do you like that piece?

MICHAEL

So it's a bit of a struggle then eh?

JEWELER

Yeah, what with rent, cost of materials, not mention the competition from the big jewelry shop chains, labour of love really.

MICHAEL

Oh that's just perfect!

JEWELER

What is?

MICHAEL

Struggling, it must provide a source of inspiration, put the fire in your belly, keep you sharp. Adversity reveals truth, see a, r, t. Art is the key, it unlocks the secret of life, the universe and everything.

JEWELER

OK

MICHAEL Michael pulls out his organizer

Yes, yes, the meaning is hidden in the word it self, like a magic mantra that opens the, the... the doors of perception, yes, like a puzzle.

I'll show you; A -Assets, R- Repress, T -Thought. See that's me.

JEWELER

Is it?

MICHAEL

Yes and, A -Adversity, R-reveals, T -Truth. That's you, get it?

JEWELER

No, not really, look are you mentally ill?

MICHAEL

Michael puts his organizer away.

Quite the contrary, I have never felt more alive.

Believe me, money, its, it's a burden, yes a load to carry, a distraction from the really important things, but you are free of all that aren't you? Gee I'd like some relief from the burden of affluence. Like, look at that beautiful ring, it represents your expression of freedom.

JEWELER

I can knock 20% off that ring if you like; things have been a bit slow.

MICHAEL

I often wished I pursued a more artistic life path, dabbling with paint maybe.

Michael holds up the painting.

Yes... breaking away from the mainstream, embracing the bohemian lifestyle, moving into a warehouse, listening to jazz, drinking cheap wine and having philosophical conversations into the early hours of the morning.

JEWELER

How about 30% off?

MICHAEL

Or maybe writing a best seller, living in some run down shack on a windswept coastline... perfect solitude.

JEWELER

Look 40% is really the best I can do; I have to cover costs.

MICHAEL

I make an absolute fortune, more money than I know what to do with really, but it's not rewarding, not like what you must experience. No you really have it made.

JEWELER

Look are you going to buy anything or not. Sorry. Look I didn't mean to be so short, it's just that I have got to make my rent, the bastards have upped it again, it's crippling me.

MICHAEL

Rent, now there's a coincidence, I'm a real estate agent maybe I can help. There is a bit of an art to my profession, but it's not really the same thing is it, not what we are talking about here.

JEWELER

Isn't it, what are you talking about anyway?

MICHAEL

I understand why I have come in here today; gee the universe works in mysterious ways doesn't it?

JEWELER

Does it?

MICHAEL

Yes it sure does, we are here to help each other.

JEWELER

Are we?

� MICHAEL

Yes though our transitions, me into my artistic era and you into a more affordable shop. I will be a patron of the arts. I'll just call my colleague, he handles all the commercial properties in this area, we'll find you a cheaper shop in no time.

JEWELER

I not sure that...

MICHAEL

Michael removes his mobile phone and starts dialing. He turns and walks around the shop as he does it.

Oh no problem, I'll give him a call.

Eddie enters the shop and walks straight up to the jeweler and produces a paper bag, he empties it on the counter a selection of jewelry falls out, he doesn't notice Michael in the corner of the shop with his back turned.

JEWELER

(To Eddie)

Look now it's not a good time, I really can't take anymore, things are getting hairy.

EDDIE

Come on ring boy, it's a steal, you'll make a killing

Eddie's mobile starts to ring he removes it and answers it.

Yep

MICHAEL

Eddie, it's me Michael, wow it's a good signal, you sound so clear.

Eddie, hearing Michael's voice, turns around and sees Michael standing in the corner

EDDIE

What the fuck?

MICHAEL

Michael still has his back turned to Eddie.

Look I'm with this jeweler and he's looking for a cheaper shop, told him you could help out, I was hoping you could come down...

Eddie swiftly walks over to Michael and spins him around

Gee that was quick, I didn't even tell you the address.

JEWELER

This guy is your partner? You are a real estate agent? Well, well, I'll be damned.

EDDIE

(To Michael)

Your fucking mouth is really becoming a liability ya know.

Shane walks into the shop, wearing a bad suit, he doesn't notice Eddie with Michael in the corner, he goes straight to the counter and pulls a piece of chewing gum from out of his mouth and sticks it under the counter. The jeweler sees, he does not look impressed.

JEWELER

Can I help you, sir?

SHANE

Yeah can I look at that diamond ring, that really big one?

Jeweler gives Shane a look of suspicion as he passes him the ring. Shane then sticks it under the counter into the gum.

JEWELER (To Shane)

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

SHANE

I dropped it on the floor somewhere...

JEWELER

You can't do that.

The Jeweler jumps the counter and grabs Shane; Eddie turns around and sees Shane.

EDDIE

You, I know you, you're that little prick that vandalized my car.

Eddie rushes over to Shane.

JEWELER

You know this guy as well, you really get about don't you, got your fingers in a few different pies.

SHANE

Don't let him touch me, he's a fuckin nutter.

EDDIE Eddie grabs Shane, he starts to strangle him

Shut up you fucking worm.

JEWELER

Steady on tiger, you're gunna kill him

Jeweler grabs Eddie, Eddie pushes him away

EDDIE

Back off cunt, before I tear you a new arse hole

JEWELER

I hate real estate agents.

Jeweler pushes Eddie back they start to fight, Eddie is still holding Shane by the neck, who is choking.

Eddie Shane and the Jeweler freeze in mid fight, lights dim on them and a spotlight appears over Michael.

MICHAEL

(Addressing the audience)

Michael starts to undress.

You know what the weird thing is about self-realization, once you have it you can never go back. If you have been living your life a certain way then one day it all hits you, that you are actually on the wrong path, you can't just simply go back to the way you were. Even if you thought you were happy then. No, you have to change, or it will destroy you. It's scary but it just has to be done, break out of the comfort zone. I wise man once said 'change is the only constant in the universe.'

Michael is now nearly naked, holding his suit.

�I realize now that there is a lot more to me than this suit, (throws the suit away) the model of car that I drive, the suburb I live in. There is a lot more to me than my profession. There is a lot more to all of us. (Starts unrolling the paper on the floor). It's like when people ask us what we do, we inevitably say, I'm a real estate agent, or a banker, or a drug dealer, or whatever. Just think about that for a moment. I am a, then insert job name. We are so much more than that, we are mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, lovers and fighters, philosophers and explorers. (Removes a large bottle of acrylic paint from his shopping bag) We doodle while on the phone, so, we are artists, we sing in the shower so we are musicians, we jump around the house with the radio on when we are alone, so we are dancers.

����������� (Pours the paint all over his naked body, rubbing it all over). Ask a group of preschool kids who can sing, they we all put up the hand, ask who can dance, same again, draw, act, laugh, all put up their hands. Ask the same group of people at forty and you may get one for singing, another for dancing, what happened. (Lies down on the paper, making a body print) Society, that's what happened. So people embrace your individuality and don't be afraid to express yourself. (Holds up the body painting). Lights fade to black.

SCENE 9

Torch lights flash across the stage, picking up Eddie dragging a body wrapped in carpet and a shovel, his phone rings, he answers it.

EDDIE

Hello...

Arh it's you your Honor, I am actually just at the site now, checking over the foundations, they are pouring the concrete tomorrow and I just wanted to make sure that everything is being done right.

Yes well I like to make sure there are no short cuts being taken, there are some real shoddy players around, right criminals. (Empties the rest of the bag on the body) �Look I have almost finished up here, I'll come right round with the plans and the paper work, we can sign you up today.

Postpone, no you don't want to do that...

You know what kids are like, I'm sure your son will turn up soon, I strongly advise you sign today, there is another two buyers interested...

Not a problem, I'll call you tomorrow, sleep on it, you don't want to make any hasty decisions, I'll hold it for you.

Eddie hangs up his phone.

Shit!

Eddie starts shoveling dirt onto the body.

Makes me sick, stuck up, ski jump nose, Chardonnay sipping, delicate creatures of affluence.

Lights fade to black.

THE END.





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