"Okay so how about a sleepover tonight? You and me, leftover cake
and a bottle of alcohol of some sort"
"Hmm one of the three make me suspect your mother is out" I
mused. Where on Earth did she get this alcohol from?
"Yup, Miss Donuts and Wine is off to another Ann Summers party so
I'm home alone. Talk about child neglect innit? I would go all
human rights on her, but to be honest I prefer my sleepovers with
you to going to 'who's the daddy?'" referring to her father who
divorced her mother four years ago. "I mean, dude? Well actually
I could sue her for quite a bit of dosh"
"I thought she was Miss Monster Munch and Rom com"
"No Blockbusters caught up with her and there wasn't any room in
the cupboard for a multipack"
"Of course" I said my eyes rolling. It was about time
Blockbusters wrote. Her mother had kept that Definitely, Maybe
DVD for over four months to which Gabi had said "how sad can you
Really, I think I know someone who might be up to answering that
"Truth or dare or DVD?" asked Gabriella later when we were
snuggled up with cake and Oreo biscuits.
"Hmm DVD I think. Truth or dare is getting a little..."
"Old? Boring?" she asked.
"Painful" I admitted.
"Ah yes I see what you mean. Oh well which DVD then?"
"Have you got House Bunny?" I asked hoping Skid hadn't gone and
borrowed it along with Miss Congeniality.
"Of course- I think that was the only one Mrs Skiddy Knickers
didn't nick" she said like she was reading my mind.
"Mrs Skiddy Knickers- seriously?" I repeated with raised
"Oh come on don't tell me you can't imagine him in big granny
knickers? He is so gay!"
"Yeah true" I giggled, "it just sounded odd"
"Oh and I couldn't get a bottle. My people were busy" she pouted.
"And who exactly are these people who supply you with vodka?" I
asked for what seemed the gazillionth time.
"There's one person in particular actually and then there's her
people, no one you know though"
We put it on and Gabi gave a very amusing 'tut' every time Anna
Faris appeared with like hardly ANY clothes on.
"She'll catch her death" she screeched.
"You say that every time we put it on! It's getting old now" I
"You calling me boring?" she asked incredulously, while ripping
paper with her teeth.
"Put down the bloody paper!" I sighed attempting to snatch it
before she could start eating it.
"That's what's getting old! There's no law against it"
"I'll write to the tree huggers and tell them you're eating poor
little trees!" I threatened.
"You're acting like a pick on puny little trees! Like I march
into the forest and hack at them with a chainsaw and tell them to
say hi to the dude who squashes them to a pulp"
"How do you know so much about making paper?"
"You are what you eat as that poop woman says, so you know I
thought I'd find out who I was. It was a very spiritual moving
journey, finding all of that out"
"I'm sad that I missed it" I said, familiar with the way she
"That woman has some issues though doesn't she? Looking at
peoples crap and such"
"Gillian McKeith!" I exclaimed quite chuffed I remembered.
"You know I might write Ms. McKeith a strongly worded email
telling her it's disgusting how she pretends she's helping these
"Pretends? Why would she pretend?"
"So she can look at their poop. She has a poop obsession"
"If you say so. I wonder what the proper name for obsession with
"Ooh I'll get my laptop!" she screamed excited.
We couldn't find it, sadly. We did find her official website
"Oh my God the background is brown- Eurgh!" she cried.
"Gillian McKeith is one sick woman" I agreed.
"I think I might vomit" Gabi acted out heaving, "I'll be in the
"Gabriella chill" I laughed.
"No I need a crap actually. Do you want to go all Gillian on me
and come see if it's all full of papier mache?"
"No I'm good thanks"
She hopped off upstairs. I put Pulling on and was quite deeply
involved in the plot- a dude was tied to a chair with tampons in
his mouth and Baby Bells lodged up his arse- when I heard Gabi
swearing from upstairs. I ran up to the bathroom and knocked on
"Crap Sophie I've started"
"Didn't you start ages ago though? I mean the house is full of
tampons-" then I laughed.
"They're for the gang's amusement. And just in case of- well this
basically! It's not funny!"
"No it's just downstairs on the TV you know Pulling...oh never
"Yeah never mind!" she huffed.
"Just grab a tampon" I reasoned.
"I don't know how to use them" she cried desperately.
"Put your leg over the bath" I instructed.
"Aw! God I've done something wrong here!" she called out to me
after a few seconds.
"Look at the instructions Gabi"
"Oh!" she said before bursting into laughter.
"I left the cardboard on"