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My Tragically Retarded Yet Quite Interesting Life

By: ShaunaLeigh

Page 1, Characters and their habits (like truth or dare) are introduced, including the hilarious duck-loving Skid and eccentric equally funny Gabi- who happens to make excellent cakes and eat paper, which isn\'t strange at all.

I’ve always been friends with boys. Even when I was little while the other girls ran away from the boys and called them yucky I never did. I’d be that muddy little girl in the torn dress yelling and shouting and mucking in with them. When the girls painted flowers all dainty and pretty I’d be throwing paint at Skid. When the girls played with Barbie’s I did too but I’d be pulling them apart and playing the Torture Game or making them beat each other up. When the girls started liking boys I’m not going to say I didn’t either but I had my select group of guy friends and they were only ever going to be friends. I was never a tomboy I wore skirts and dresses but I preferred boys to girls for company.
I had girl friends too. There was a gang of us. Rickie Chad Jace and Skid were the boys. I guess Chad’s little brother Jamie sort of counted too. Gabriella Katie Nita and Rosie were the girls. Katie was really evil and sarcastic with a red hot fiery temper. Her hair was a little pixie crop and jet black. She had little pouty lips and minute freckles that were very unobvious. A lot of girls eyed her and gave little glares because of things she’d said in the past. I guess she was a bit too outspoken. Nita was really nice. And I mean really nice. She had a good thing to say about everyone no matter how horrid they are. She’s so positive and upbeat at times it’s annoying. She’s not the best person to be around if your feeling irritated. You feel like getting hold of her long brown hair in its elbow length braid and yanking her out of her little optimistic bubble. Rosie was a gossip. She knew everything about everyone but sometimes she was a little insensitive. But if you needed an honest opinion those big grey eyes would look you in yours and tell you straight. Her hair was curly just past the shoulder and brunette. Gabriella was a different story. Her hair was blonde down to her bum so she could sit on it. She had a fringe so she looked like Hannah Montana. We often sung the song ‘Best of Both Worlds’ to wind her up. Her eyes were blue and her skin was a pale peachy colour the sort you see in skin product advertisements. She was really pretty but she was far from sweet. She was the most outrageous person ever. We’re talking about the girl who shoved a Wotsit in each nostril stripped down to her bra and knickers then walked down the road and back for a dare. She was crazy had a brilliant sense of humour and a wacky twisted mind. She was up for anything and refused to say no to a dare no matter how crazy. She came up with amazingly witty ideas for cakes and she was a great cook.She was my best girl friend.
Rickie was white pale with jet black hair which was an incredible contrast. He was really strong and loved to prove his strength at any opportunity. He had a really strong jaw line to match. He was pretty slow but more in a cute confused way he wasn’t really dumb. Chad was really tall and thin, so thin he could fit into my skinny jeans (proved by a previous experiment.) His hair was dark brown and really thick. His eyes were the strangest colour, sort of brown around the pupil but blue round the edge. He had a very sarcastic sense of humour and seeing those eyes roll up and then down again was a common sight. Jace was really handsome but not my type at all. His hair was a very light brown a honey blonde even. He had blue eyes and a wicked grin. He was charming but cheeky the sort you watch very carefully. But he was lovely really no matter what his bad boy rep said. Then there was Skid. God where do I begin?
Skid was my best boy friend. He had been for years and I knew him inside and out just like he knew me. I even started calling him Skid. We were about four or five and he skidded down this muddy hill. But he skidded so far he came off the hill and skidded on the concrete. He ended up with a huge scar up his right leg. He absolutely loved telling people the story of how he got the scar often exaggerating with a few big boys chasing him and maybe a scary dog or two. His mother said we should call him Skid because he made such a bid fuss of it and so I started to. Even the teachers did.Everyone knew him and I don’t think a lot of them knew his real name. He had really cool hair that was a brownish blonde colour when you brushed it a certain way but was really light blonde. He was pale-ish with a little scattering of freckles across his nose. His eyes were huge and green. Not like most green eyes that were dull and brownish but a really bright green. They were so expressive and unique. And no one could ever get tired of that incredibly cute grin. He was also amazingly tall, taller than Chad even. I mean huge he got mistaken for much older than he really was. It was like somebody had stretched him. They must like doing so because he grew so often it was hard keeping up with his height.
“Sophie? You there? It’s your turn”
“Hmm” I mumbled.
“Daydreaming were you?” Gabriella giggled.
“Just a tad” I winked.
We were all sitting in a circle on the carpet in Gabi’s living room playing truth or dare. Strangely there was no bottle of alcohol in the middle being slurped from every so often for courage. Our version of truth or dare was quite strange. It never really included truths. And our dares were really wacky.
“Can I dare Sophie?” grinned Jace in a suspicious way from the kitchen. He entered the room with a tray of ice cubes.
“Hmm I have an odd feeling it’s going to include ice cubes down her pants. Not very creative Jace” said Chad shaking his head.
I got two ice cubes and put them down my pants. They were absolutely freezing.
“Can I dare Sophie?” smiled Gabriella.
“No fair I just put ice cubes in a very sensitive place!” I complained.
“I dare you to put grapes up your nose and in your ears plus keep a chilli pepper on your tongue for a minute”
“Aw Gab leave Sophie alone, she might possibly die of pneumonia, she doesn’t need grapes up her nose and a swollen tongue” laughed Skid. I couldn’t help but laugh as I shove the grapes up my nose. I went to get the pepper that Gabi had fetched.
“Sophie are you seriously going to do it? Oh my God it’s going to like kill!” exclaimed Rosie dramatically.
It did. But I managed it to a serious round of applause. My eyes watered like crazy.
“You’re a medical miracle Soph!” joked Skid.
“Right now Gabriella” I said evilly.
“Oh crap” she sighed.
“Pepper up your nose along with two chilli peppers tampons in your ears a bra on your head and ice cubes in your knickers” I declared, with everyone’s faces getting more horrified with every word I said.
“Oh and walk down the street” added Katie.
“Christ Almighty Katie I’m sure that was already illegal before you chipped in” said Rickie.
“She doesn’t have to do it” pointed out Nita.
“Oh Nita don’t spoil it!” I said slapping her.
“You know she’s going to do it anyway” she said slapping me back lightly. What was it with her and violence?
And oh my God she did. It’s going on Youtube my Lord, punish me if you must but it was too damn hilarious.
Seven hundred and eighty nine hits on Youtube later I went home and fell asleep in front of Mock the Week.
The phone rang waking me from my beauty sleep.
“Hello” I mumbled.
“Hey sleepy” laughed Skid.
“Oh yo Skid what’s up?”
“Well Gabriella is making a cake and you have to help and of course I will assist too”
“With your cake tasting expertise Mr Eating Extraordinaire?”
“Precisely”
“Why didn’t she phone me?”
“Oh I’m in her house now I wanted to borrow a DVD and she had an urge to bake. So of course I stayed”
“Miss Congeniality by any chance?”
“Of course”
Hm how gay are his film preferences?
“I’ll be right over”
I got dressed and shouted to my half asleep mum I was at Gabi’s. Then I caught the bus seeing as she was so polite as to forget I couldn’t drive. I finally arrived knocking on her door.
“Hello gorgeous” Skid greeted me while letting me in. I gave him a slap before rushing to an impatient Gabriella.
“I have ideas for the cake” I offered which cheered her enormously and she forgot about my lateness.
Gabi’s cakes were a huge deal. She was an amazing cook so it was like a huge event. She never made a simple cake it was always unique and normally very weird. But not weird as in inedible. She made one cake into a beach with crystallised pineapple for sand blue icing for the sea with really cool waves and little figurines of surfers. The were palm trees out of ready to roll icing and even little deck chairs and beach balls and buckets and spades. Another time she made a three layered chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream icing and Terry’s chocolate oranges stuck in every reachable place and then real oranges for decoration. Oh and there was this huge toffee fudge cake with cookie pieces and scoops of cookie dough ice cream. Once she made a cake with all her favourite things on it which was admittedly inedible. It had chocolate buttons, paper (yes she eats paper a lot), Doritos (she’s nearly always eating them), fruity lip gloss, jelly tots (yum yum), gummy bears, gummy worms, whipped cream, ice cubes, ice cream and glitter piled on top. She even popped a mini German flag on top. She doesn’t like Germany (hello World War Two much?) she just found it in one of the drawers.
“So you think we have enough icing?” she asked as we started on my idea for a cake.
“Yeah there’s plenty”
“There’s enough mix for two so I’m making another one” she said getting the first out of the oven.
“Okay”
We iced the first with white ready to roll icing after cutting it into the right shape. Skid came in from the living room where he’d been watching Top Gear.
“That’s an odd shape” he said a bit confused, “why is there like a hole?”
We put on blue iced stripes and made string like shapes out of white icing before making them into a bow.
“It’s a shoe!” he laughed, “It’s cool”
We got the other one out of the oven and cut it into a strange shape. One half was pointed and the other round. We iced the pointed half a brown colour and made a checked pattern in it. The rounded top was iced heavily with pink frosting and then sprinkled with hundreds and thousands before a flake was wedged in.
“Oh cool an ice cream cake!”
Me and Gabi grinned pleased with our work.
“Got any real ice cream we can have with it?” Skid asked eyeing up the cakes.
“Skid you greedy idiot I’ve got to take pictures first!” Gabriella screeched tackling him into the fridge. Magnets clattered to the floor and I wouldn’t be surprised if what was left of the eggs was a gooey mess.
Gabi was so annoying about taking pictures of her cakes. She had a website where she uploaded them to show to people. Skid got really peeved off with her because she made a cake in the shape of a duck and even refused to eat it. The dude is obsessed with ducks. He hates the Chinese and calls them barbarians because of their duck-eating habits. We got a comment off a crazy person in Scotland once who said that he was going to find Gabi and shove a cake up her, err behind. She was chuffed and claimed she had a stalker but Chad said it didn’t count until he found her and stayed in the same spot in her garden until morning. Jace of course answered with something like I’ll stalk you anytime beautiful- smooth talking plank. So we put them on Gabi’s website and then had a slice each with some ice cream in the fridge. It had been there for a while but we didn’t let that spoil our feast.
Eventually Skid got up, with difficulty of course because of the cake fest. “Well ladies I am afraid I must leave you. There are buses to be ridden free of charge and unsuspecting snoggers to shove off walls. I’ll see you” he called over his shoulder.
“Where’s my hug Skiddy boy?” Gabriella shouted. He ran backwards (tripping over a futon) and hugged her so hard she had to lick him to get him to put her down. I knew how she felt. It was quite terrifying having him lift you so you were his height- the boy was so tall. He kissed me on the cheek and skidded out the room before I could protest.
“The boy has it bad!” Gabi laughed at me while we cleaned the dishes.
“It’s so not funny Gabs I’m getting really annoyed” I said rubbing a bowl dry in a furious manner.
“Uh Sophie I think the bowl is dry. I’m sure it appreciates your enthusiasm though”
It wasn’t funny at all though. Skid was crushing on me bad. He always had fancied me ever since we were at his cousins in his tree house. I kissed him goodnight but come on I was seven. It was cute at first but it’s been years and though he’s less obvious sometimes it really drives me insane. He was my best mate though and I loved him to bits. I just hoped that one day he would get over me.

© Copyright 2014ShaunaLeigh All rights reserved. ShaunaLeigh has granted theNextBigWriter, LLC non-exclusive rights to display this work on Booksie.com.

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