The Octopus's Guardian

The Octopus’s Guardian

by

Chris Fewtrell

I glanced up at the clocktopus

I heard it go tick-tocktopus

And then the door – knock knocktopus

too late for me to hide

I turned the key – unlocktopus

and saw a lonely octopus

dressed in a pretty frocktopus

I said, please come inside

With matching shoe and socktopus

it spoke – oh what a shock to us

‘I’m Scottish, yes, a Jocktopus’

it said, ‘I’m on the run’

I shut the door, lick-locktopus

‘Oh tell me lonely jocktopus

what is it brings you here to us

pray tell me what you’ve done?’

It gave a sigh and spoke to us

it’s little heart it broke to us

But it was like a joke to us

we couldn’t help but laugh

It’s tentacles waved overhead

‘I’m armless, can’t you see?’ it said

‘But everybody wants me dead,

for eating a giraffe!’

“I know I’ve done some wicked stuff

like everyone. Well life is tough

But now I say, enough’s enough

I didn’t eat this beast

‘I mean, come on, it’s ten miles tall

not something I could eat at all

I’m satisfied with something small

when I sit down to feast

‘For is it murder when you feed

on little creatures that you need?

(Unless you give in to your greed:

I grant you, that’s not nice.)’

‘And did you ever act unfair,’

I asked, ‘and eat more than your share?’

It gave a long defiant stare…

‘Well only once or twice.

‘But does that mean that I should die?

In some electric-armchair fry?

Without the time to say goodbye

or eat my tea and shave?’

And as its tentacles it flapped

the padlock on the window snapped

I realised my friend was trapped

The police dragged him away

They put him in the docktopus

The hickory-dickory-docktopus

Eight wedding rings in hocktopus

To pay his legal bill

He may as well have kept the cash

the lawyers gladly took his stash

and then commenced to make a hash

as all good lawyers will

The atmosphere was frictional

the evidence was fictional

the verdict quite predictional

the courtroom held its breath

Not only was the law unkind

the jury and the judge were blind

“Bad Octopus, we guilty find

and sentence you to death!”

While plankton sing and celebrate

they take him to a cell to wait

his undeserved and wretched fate

it's clear that he's been framed

Though someone braver might have dared

to try and save him, I am scared

his final meal has been prepared

(he's almost glad he came!)

They led him to a nearby place

a burlap sack concealed his face

Oh, shame upon the human race

that brought him to his ...knees?

They dressed him in a smocktopus

his head was on the blocktopus

The axe was raised, chop-choptopus

I felt the moment freeze

It's time for me to actopus

before his neck they hacktopus

his blood they will extractopus

unless I intervene

“Stop now!” I heard a voice cry out

“Who said that?” came a mighty shout

“We’ll kill you too if we find out,”

The crowd turned round to see

“Who spoke out for the octopus?

Who stands against the lot of us?

Own up and we won’t make a fuss,”

and turned their eyes on me!

I realised that it was me

who’d called to set the prisoner free

- although involuntarily

but now the deed was done

"Now let us put a stop to this,"

I shout out, quite oblivious

to half the crowd, carniverous

"It's time to have some fun!"

Before their dreadful crop they reap

upon the scaffold high I leap

start selling pirate copies, cheap

iphones and DVDs

The crowd goes nuts, they can't believe

the low, low prices I achieve

they do not see their victim leave

and hide among the trees

The octopus along with me

hopped in a taxi to the sea

Stopping once to have a wee

and eat vanilla sponge

And as we stood upon the shore

he said, ‘I know your soul is pure

and mine feels as it did before

with all my sins expunged

‘But as into the sea I leap

a secret I just cannot keep

You see, I know you lost some sheep

a little while ago

‘I never meant to be unkind

but it’s been weighing on my mind

Tomorrow when you wake, you’ll find

those sheep have been set free

‘I hid them in a secret place

intending soon to fill my face

leaving not a single trace

to point the blame at me

‘In fact I planted evidence

to cover up the real events

and bribed the police with fifty pence

to frame a crocodile

‘A croc at least two metres wide

with four legs on each armoured side

“We saw him giving sheep a ride,”

the police wrote in their files

‘How could I know that they would find

this figment of my evil mind

and say upon your sheep he dined

then lock him in a cell

‘Though cruel I know some crocs can be

not fussy who they choose to eat

they’re just as innocent as me

and this one’s got eight legs!

‘But conscience is a costly friend

and rescued from a gruesome end

the truth I can no longer bend

Forgive me, please, I beg.’

I gazed into his mournful eyes

floating like two cold meat pies

in pools of gravy, supersized

I put his mind at ease

‘I’m glad you’re not that croctopus

who stole my sheep, my flocktopus

stir-fried them in his woktopus

and had them round for tea

‘So go,’ I showed him to the door

‘return at once to your sea floor

and try your best to sin no more

and I will do the same’

I watched him wipe a tear away

‘So long, sucker,’ I heard him say

then saw him dive into the spray

before I’d asked his name

And so we have not stayed in touch

no chance to thank him very much

my sheep returneth to their hutch

and life was as it was

But on a winter's evening cold

when ghostly tales are often told

I think of what God's menu holds

for all of us, because

We never know when Octopeds

may wind up in our garden sheds

expecting to be nicely fed

with soup and fish and steak

So careful where you leave your sheep

and if your cows you wish to keep

not lose them all while you're asleep

You'd better stay awake

(Or replace them all with fakes)

(Or teach yourself to bake?)

(Or just employ a snake ?)

How the heck should I know?

Just do whatever it takes.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

The End