The Octopus's Guardian
I glanced up at the clocktopus
I heard it go tick-tocktopus
And then the door - knock knocktopus
too late for me to hide
I turned the key - unlocktopus
and saw a lonely octopus
dressed in a pretty frocktopus
I said, please come inside
With matching shoe and socktopus
it spoke - oh what a shock to us
'I'm Scottish, yes, a Jocktopus'
it said, 'I'm on the run'
I shut the door, lick-locktopus
'Oh tell me lonely jocktopus
what is it brings you here to us
pray tell me what you've done?'
It gave a sigh and spoke to us
it's little heart it broke to us
But it was like a joke to us
we couldn't help but laugh
It's tentacles waved overhead
'I'm armless, can't you see?' it said
'But everybody wants me dead,
for eating a giraffe!'
"I know I've done some wicked stuff
like everyone. Well life is tough
But now I say, enough's enough
I didn't eat this beast
'I mean, come on, it's ten miles tall
not something I could eat at all
I'm satisfied with something small
when I sit down to feast
'For is it murder when you feed
on little creatures that you need?
(Unless you give in to your greed:
I grant you, that's not nice.)'
'And did you ever act unfair,'
I asked, 'and eat more than your share?'
It gave a long defiant stare…
'Well only once or twice.
'But does that mean that I should die?
In some electric-armchair fry?
Without the time to say goodbye
or eat my tea and shave?'
And as its tentacles it flapped
the padlock on the window snapped
I realised my friend was trapped
The police dragged him away
They put him in the docktopus
Eight wedding rings in hocktopus
To pay his legal bill
He may as well have kept the cash
the lawyers gladly took his stash
and then commenced to make a hash
as all good lawyers will
The atmosphere was frictional
the evidence was fictional
the verdict quite predictional
the courtroom held its breath
Not only was the law unkind
the jury and the judge were blind
"Bad Octopus, we guilty find
and sentence you to death!"
While plankton sing and celebrate
they take him to a cell to wait
his undeserved and wretched fate
it's clear that he's been framed
Though someone braver might have dared
to try and save him, I am scared
his final meal has been prepared
(he's almost glad he came!)
They led him to a nearby place
a burlap sack concealed his face
Oh, shame upon the human race
that brought him to his ...knees?
They dressed him in a smocktopus
his head was on the blocktopus
The axe was raised, chop-choptopus
I felt the moment freeze
It's time for me to actopus
before his neck they hacktopus
his blood they will extractopus
unless I intervene
"Stop now!" I heard a voice cry out
"Who said that?" came a mighty shout
"We'll kill you too if we find out,"
The crowd turned round to see
"Who spoke out for the octopus?
Who stands against the lot of us?
Own up and we won't make a fuss,"
and turned their eyes on me!
I realised that it was me
who'd called to set the prisoner free
- although involuntarily
but now the deed was done
"Now let us put a stop to this,"
I shout out, quite oblivious
to half the crowd, carniverous
"It's time to have some fun!"
Before their dreadful crop they reap
upon the scaffold high I leap
start selling pirate copies, cheap
iphones and DVDs
The crowd goes nuts, they can't believe
the low, low prices I achieve
they do not see their victim leave
and hide among the trees
The octopus along with me
hopped in a taxi to the sea
Stopping once to have a wee
and eat vanilla sponge
And as we stood upon the shore
he said, 'I know your soul is pure
and mine feels as it did before
with all my sins expunged
'But as into the sea I leap
a secret I just cannot keep
You see, I know you lost some sheep
a little while ago
'I never meant to be unkind
but it's been weighing on my mind
Tomorrow when you wake, you'll find
those sheep have been set free
'I hid them in a secret place
intending soon to fill my face
leaving not a single trace
to point the blame at me
'In fact I planted evidence
to cover up the real events
and bribed the police with fifty pence
to frame a crocodile
'A croc at least two metres wide
with four legs on each armoured side
"We saw him giving sheep a ride,"
the police wrote in their files
'How could I know that they would find
this figment of my evil mind
and say upon your sheep he dined
then lock him in a cell
'Though cruel I know some crocs can be
not fussy who they choose to eat
they're just as innocent as me
and this one's got eight legs!
'But conscience is a costly friend
and rescued from a gruesome end
the truth I can no longer bend
Forgive me, please, I beg.'
I gazed into his mournful eyes
floating like two cold meat pies
in pools of gravy, supersized
I put his mind at ease
'I'm glad you're not that croctopus
who stole my sheep, my flocktopus
stir-fried them in his woktopus
and had them round for tea
'So go,' I showed him to the door
'return at once to your sea floor
and try your best to sin no more
and I will do the same'
I watched him wipe a tear away
'So long, sucker,' I heard him say
then saw him dive into the spray
before I'd asked his name
And so we have not stayed in touch
no chance to thank him very much
my sheep returneth to their hutch
and life was as it was
But on a winter's evening cold
when ghostly tales are often told
I think of what God's menu holds
for all of us, because
We never know when Octopeds
may wind up in our garden sheds
expecting to be nicely fed
with soup and fish and steak
So careful where you leave your sheep
and if your cows you wish to keep
not lose them all while you're asleep
You'd better stay awake
(Or replace them all with fakes)
(Or teach yourself to bake?)
(Or just employ a snake ?)
How the heck should I know?
Just do whatever it takes.