Agony Column

I am sure at least one of you skilful poets out there can solve at least one of these problems?

It’s kinda hard to admit
‘Bout wife’s body ya see
Not sure what to do with it
As not working properly
Be so glad if you’d advise
As I simply can’t rest
Till can find a place to hide
So where do you think best?

Mr RIP aged 79

My teacher says she thinks I’m hot,
But I’m not sure what she means
And says she likes me dirty
But mummy says I must keep clean,
Please can you tell me what to do?
Cos I really do not have a clue.

Nigel aged 11 yrs 2 ¼ mths

RE $100 PRIZE: OF COURSE IT IS ALL LIES! ;)