Poem: Ride the Evil Wind

“Ride the Evil Wind”

Made-For-T.V. Movie

“This movie blows, literally! It tells

the ½-true story of Vern Blowfish, about to see Hell,

up close and personal. One day, after work, he

excitedly

goes up in his new hot-air balloon; see, he

is really into that. He finally saved enough money

to buy his own, after 20 years

He was too much of a doorknob to have any fears,

but, if he had known the absolute terrors to come,

but, no, he was too fricking dumb,

he would have kept his as** parked on the ground

He messed around

for awhile, then he inflated the thing, and got underway

At being in charge, he did play,

even though he was all alone

Just in case, he took along his cellphone

But, a lot of good that would do him,

If something happened, his chances of getting help were mighty slim

I mean, who’s he going to call, the out-of-control balloon police?

No, he was alone, he could expect no help, none in the least

All of a sudden, he couldn’t control it as a big gust

of wind hit, that must

have blown the balloon miles off course, and it was thrown

to and fro. All he wanted was to go home

The hot wind blew and blew

Vern was afraid. “Now, what the hell am I going to do?”

He was blown so far, that when he looked down

below him, he didn’t recognize anything on the ground

He thought to himself, 'why, nothing looks right,

And gee, I’m awful hungry. Sure wish I had a bite

to eat. And I’m thirsty. And man, do I have to take a leak

wonder how long I’ve been up here? I reek!'

When he glanced at his watch, he was shocked to see

it said it was 2.00pm, the next day. He couldn’t believe

it. He had been blown before, but never this hard

and never for this long. He must have been blown far

He must have been blown hundreds of miles off course

by the evil, hot wind; by some unknown force

And yet, it only felt like seconds to him. How

could this possibly be? He was dealing with sow—

err--some strange s**t here!

The next thing he saw filled his a** with fear

It was a giant skull, looming out of the mist

He was so scared, he barely listened, but he got the gist

of what the skull was saying. “Far

you’ve traveled. You, Vern Blowfish, probably are

wondering just where you’re at?

Well, it’s very simple; see that big, fat

billboard over there?” And the skull nodded to

a nearby sign. “Welcome to Hell” Ah, ha, ha! You

are visiting Hell, hopefully just passing through Now,

that all depends on fricking how

well you follow my evil directions. If

you do exactly as I say…” “Biff,

are you scaring someone for no reason at all,

again? How many times must you fall

back on the same tired joke? Well, Biff, I’m waiting,

my evil temper, you’re baiting!”

“I’m sorry, boss; I was just so fricking bored

I am the only one to blame. It’s entirely on my own accord

I just thought I’d have a little fun,

you know, with this dorky one!”

“Well, Biff, it’s not at all funny

By trying to be funny, just look what you’ve

done-y

This gentleman is in the ‘still

undecided’ category. We aren’t even sure if he will

be coming down here when his time is through

Just look at how frightened he is, will you?

You know the punishment for unwarranted terror,

3 days in the flames. I know it seems unfair,

but, maybe you’ll think a little bit

the next time you’re ‘bored’ Biff. ‘Make the punishment fit

the crime’ is the rule of our fricking law

We’re so sorry, eh, Vern is it? But naw,

Your time isn’t up, just yet

I’ll bet you were nervous, I’ll bet

you were scared. I’ll bet you were scared s******s, due to the lore

and legend about this place. I’m sorry for

any undo hardships this may have caused

you, but Biff is new here, and there seems to be no pause

in his boredom, at least, not yet. But, you can rest

assured, he will be dealt with. Please come back when we’re on our best

behavior. Please, don’t judge us on the childish antics

of one inm--er-- resident!” Suddenly, Vern was frantic

to get as far away from this awful, awful place

But why was somebody licking his face?

He awoke with a start, to his cat trying to wake him

He had been so far out on the unconscious limb

Whew; what a nightmare he’s just had

It had all been a horrible dream, and for that, Vern was so glad!