"Ride the Evil Wind"
"This movie blows, literally! It tells
the ½-true story of Vern Blowfish, about to see Hell,
up close and personal. One day, after work, he
goes up in his new hot-air balloon; see, he
is really into that. He finally saved enough money
to buy his own, after 20 years
He was too much of a doorknob to have any fears,
but, if he had known the absolute terrors to come,
but, no, he was too fricking dumb,
he would have kept his as** parked on the ground
He messed around
for awhile, then he inflated the thing, and got underway
At being in charge, he did play,
even though he was all alone
Just in case, he took along his cellphone
But, a lot of good that would do him,
If something happened, his chances of getting help were mighty slim
I mean, who's he going to call, the out-of-control balloon police?
No, he was alone, he could expect no help, none in the least
All of a sudden, he couldn't control it as a big gust
of wind hit, that must
have blown the balloon miles off course, and it was thrown
to and fro. All he wanted was to go home
The hot wind blew and blew
Vern was afraid. "Now, what the hell am I going to do?"
He was blown so far, that when he looked down
below him, he didn't recognize anything on the ground
He thought to himself, 'why, nothing looks right,
And gee, I'm awful hungry. Sure wish I had a bite
to eat. And I'm thirsty. And man, do I have to take a leak
wonder how long I've been up here? I reek!'
When he glanced at his watch, he was shocked to see
it said it was 2.00pm, the next day. He couldn't believe
it. He had been blown before, but never this hard
and never for this long. He must have been blown far
He must have been blown hundreds of miles off course
by the evil, hot wind; by some unknown force
And yet, it only felt like seconds to him. How
could this possibly be? He was dealing with sow-
err--some strange s**t here!
The next thing he saw filled his a** with fear
It was a giant skull, looming out of the mist
He was so scared, he barely listened, but he got the gist
of what the skull was saying. "Far
you've traveled. You, Vern Blowfish, probably are
wondering just where you're at?
Well, it's very simple; see that big, fat
billboard over there?" And the skull nodded to
a nearby sign. "Welcome to Hell" Ah, ha, ha! You
are visiting Hell, hopefully just passing through Now,
that all depends on fricking how
well you follow my evil directions. If
you do exactly as I say…" "Biff,
are you scaring someone for no reason at all,
again? How many times must you fall
back on the same tired joke? Well, Biff, I'm waiting,
my evil temper, you're baiting!"
"I'm sorry, boss; I was just so fricking bored
I am the only one to blame. It's entirely on my own accord
I just thought I'd have a little fun,
you know, with this dorky one!"
"Well, Biff, it's not at all funny
By trying to be funny, just look what you've
This gentleman is in the 'still
undecided' category. We aren't even sure if he will
be coming down here when his time is through
Just look at how frightened he is, will you?
You know the punishment for unwarranted terror,
3 days in the flames. I know it seems unfair,
but, maybe you'll think a little bit
the next time you're 'bored' Biff. 'Make the punishment fit
the crime' is the rule of our fricking law
We're so sorry, eh, Vern is it? But naw,
Your time isn't up, just yet
I'll bet you were nervous, I'll bet
you were scared. I'll bet you were scared s******s, due to the lore
and legend about this place. I'm sorry for
any undo hardships this may have caused
you, but Biff is new here, and there seems to be no pause
in his boredom, at least, not yet. But, you can rest
assured, he will be dealt with. Please come back when we're on our best
behavior. Please, don't judge us on the childish antics
of one inm--er-- resident!" Suddenly, Vern was frantic
to get as far away from this awful, awful place
But why was somebody licking his face?
He awoke with a start, to his cat trying to wake him
He had been so far out on the unconscious limb
Whew; what a nightmare he's just had
It had all been a horrible dream, and for that, Vern was so glad!