Nursery Rhyme Disfunction
Hey! It’s all a fiddle!
The cat with the fiddle
Did nothing but diddle
While the cow took a kick at the moon.
The cat stood and it looked
While the spoon and dish booked,
And little dog wished it was noon.
The cow’s milk was in
She thought it a sin
To be sent to jump over the moon.
The moon wasn’t happy
It thought it was crappy
To be dripped on and not by a spoon.
The dish ran away
But it wasn’t for play
It was hauled away by the spoon.
The spoon never said
What it had in its head
Just took off with the spoon like a loon.
If the dish was a platter
If made a bit fatter
It might could’ve flattened the spoon.
The fiddle’s high-strung
Its high C is sprung
It knows it will play out of tune.
Now the little dog howled
Because she’s been fouled
By a dig from the fiddler’s bow.
It hurt to be sure
And she feels it’s a slur --
Hear her howl - and hear the cow low.
So just who is gleeful?
Who simply is me-full?
Who can’t be more mirthful, a’tall?
The only one gladdened,
The single not maddened?
Willy Shakespeare -- who bowled the first ball!*
*“High diddle diddle” can be found in many of Shakespeare’s writings as can “Hey nonny non.” High was changed to Hey only later. But Willy did it, started the ball rolling!
Hickory crafted, formed into a clock.
Dickory Doc* suff’ring Bad Actor’s Block.
Chime can only strike once at one.
Mouse can only run, run, and run.
Hickory melts, goes back to liquor.**
Dickory Doc says, “Bye, TV’s quicker.”
Chime goes on strike, refuses to bong.
Mouse gets the drift. runs fast, far and long.
*Dickory Doc, star of children’s TV show, ’66-69, reportedly left to work with elves making toys for Santa Claus. Critics figure his nerve was broken during the Clock episode.
**A licker pressed from pounded hickory nuts and called pawcohiccora by the Indians, later shortened by settlers to pohickory.
Black Jack* Gets Lit
Black Jack was nimble.
Black Jack was quick.
Black Jack was pirate.
‘Til he took seasick.
Took up a jumping gig
At some local fair.
Jumping lit candles,
Leaping high in the air.
Seemed to be fine,
Back his good mood,
Pretty fair wages,
Ate lots of food.
Then late on one night
A candle’s bold flame
Reached up way too high --
Scorched his tackle and game.
“Basta,” he yelped,
Slapping his nether thatch.
“Basta,” he cried,
Snapping on his eye patch.
“I’ll return to the sea
And I’ll barf in the water.
Where I’ll plunder yer gold --
Stay a man, like I ought’er!”
*Black Jack, an English pirate of the late 16th century, notorious for ability to escape the authorities. In fact, never recorded as suffering seasickness, nor any of the rest--poetic license (pardon the use of those last two words).
NOTE: The Mary alluded to reputed to be Mary Tudor, Bloody Mary, daughter of King Henry VIII, a staunch Catholic; the garden is an allusion to the increasing graveyards to house those who continued to adhere to the Protestant faith and were put to death. Silver bells and cockleshells, thumb and gonad screws; maids, short for maidens, is a substitute word for the guillotine.
Bloody Mary Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Quite contrary in deeds!
She sowed her beds
With bloody heads
Planted them all as seeds.
Bloody Mary quite horrific
Fancied torture’s tools
Her silver bells?
Her cockleshells favored by ghouls.
Recall the heads, the bodiless heads?
And the pretty maids all in a row?
There had to be beds
For to bury the heads
The head choppers stood ready to mow.
This prettily worded nursery rhyme?
Word-pictures oh so sweet?
These lines of verse
Couldn’t be much worse
Forcing words into acts of deceit.