The Mugger

“The Mugger”

Night time in the city – a young couple; Ashley and Clark step out of the movie theatre and walk through the nearby alleyway

Ashley: Well that was the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

Clark: What!? No way! You must be joking right? That movie was freakin epic! You didn’t like the scene where that Asian guy shoots that black guy with a shotgun!?

Ashley: No! And can you tone down the racism?

Clark: (offended) Oh! I am so sorry “your highness” Better watch what I say next before you take away my toys! Grow the hell up, Ashley

Ashley: (Upset) Go to hell!

(The couple is stopped by a Mugger who takes out his gun and aims it at them)

Mugger: (Nervous; looking around) Now we gonna do this fast, and no one will get hurt! Give me all you got! QUICK!

Clark: (scared) Ah crap! This can’t be happening! This just can’t!

Ashley: (panic) Please “Mr. Gun-guy” I..I don’t want to die!

Mugger: None of you will if y’all just give me all you got!

Clark: Dude, I think you’re making a big mistake here, trust me I’ve seen “Batman”. If our little kid ever finds out about this; he’s gonna grow up to become a crime fighter and will be looking for you! 

Ashley: (Slaps Clark behind his head) Shut up!

Clark: OUCH! What the hell!?

Ashley: We don’t have any kids!

Clark: Wow! Great way to ruin a plan, Ashley! This guy didn’t know that!

Ashley: I would never have any kids with you; your family is crazy I don’t want of your genes in my child!

Clark: (upset) Oh really!? And I don’t want any of your genes to touch my kid! Everybody in your family suffers from heart disease and stuff! None of you guys make it after 30!

Ashley: (furious) alright that’s it! Me and you are so done!  

Clark: THAT’S GOOD! Good freakin’ riddance!

Mugger: (impatient) GIVE ME YOUR MONEY! I swear if the both of you don’t give me anything in the next few minutes I’ll blow your heads off!

Clark: Whoa, whoa! Just chill man. We don’t want any trouble. What if we give you something that is better than money? Hm?

Mugger: What is it!?

Clark: Okay, what if Ashley here agrees to have sex with you?

Ashley: (punches Clark’s shoulder in anger) What the hell is wrong with you!? I’m not going to have sex with this guy!

Clark: OUCH! And why the hell not!? We’re going to die here. Don’t you think you should use your “talent” to save us!?

Ashley: Oh my god, I swear you’re so dead to me!

Clark: C’mon just a little blowjob wouldn’t hurt. Just do it

Mugger: (yells) SHUT UP! I’m running out of time! Give me all you’ve got now or I’m going to squeeze this damn trigger!

Clark: (looks at the gun) whoa, dude what kind of gun is that?

Mugger: GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

Clark: Alright! Alright! (Digs into his pocket and takes out his wallet, takes out dollar bills) Um, dude I think your going to be pissed off about this…

Ashley: (rolling her eyes) Here we go

Clark: Shut up! God!

Mugger: What is it!?

Clark: I only have 4 dollars on me, will that be fine?

Mugger: That’s it!? Is that all you’ve got!?

Ashley: Trust me “Mr. Thug-guy” Clark is the cheapest man you’ll ever know

Clark: (offended) oh yeah!? Well I’ve slept with your mother! How about that!?

Ashley: My mother is dead, you moron

Clark: Oh (to the Mugger) she has money; she works in a high paying job

Mugger: (turns to Ashley) give me all you’ve got!

Ashley: Alright! Fine! (opens up her purse and takes out a “MasterCard”) Oh! Sorry to disappoint you, I’ve only got a credit card with me

Mugger: What!? You’ve gotta be kidding me!

Ashley: (sucks her teeth/Sarcastic) Yeah, I wish I was

Clark: Wait, hold on, hold on. Let’s just head to the nearest ATM machine and draw out the money from your card?

Ashley: (furious) What the hell!?

Clark: Yeah, this guy went through all this trouble to rob us. Why not make it worth his time?

Mugger: He has a point

Ashley: I hate you so much!

Mugger: Alright you guys let’s go to the store by the corner! They have a machine there

Clark: (Excited) Cool! Let’s go (they start walking)

Ashley: I hope he gets to shoot you first

(A police officer stops the Mugger when he draws his weapon)

Officer: Freeze! Put the weapon down!

Mugger: (drops the gun) DAMN It!

Clark: (glad) yeah! The “blue coats” are here!

Ashley: We’re saved!

Officer: (cuffs the Mugger) “You have the rights to remain silence…”

Clark: God! I love when cops say that! I should have been a cop!

Officer: (to the Couple) are you guys alright?

Ashley: Yeah! Thanks to you!

Clark: Hey! What about me?

Ashley: yeah, “what about you”?

Officer: You two have a good night now (takes the Mugger and exits)

Clark: Whew, thank god that was over with

Ashley: what are we going to do now?

Clark: You want to try out that new “Ice cream” spot? I heard they make a crazy good smoothie

Ashley: Sure!

Clark: By the way, you’re buying right?

Ashley: (sighs) sure whatever (they walk off)

END