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Clarinets Rock

Script By: Mathew Nicolson
Humor


This is very silly.


Submitted:Jul 22, 2011    Reads: 18    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   


BEACH.

ERNEST BLUMBERG is performing his clarinet solo to an
excited audience. It is his greatest work.

Arty shots of him playing, his fingers, the beautiful
scenery...

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
(to friend)
He's good, isn't he?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Simply superb!

Ernest builds up into a crescendo, and stops.

The audience applaud.

AT BRIDGE, ALEXANDER PERKINS LIES IN WAIT.

ERNEST
Thank you, thank you! It's been a
pleasure to play for you!

AUDIENCE
Encore! Encore!

FANATIC
We love you Ernest!

ERNEST
Haha, thank you, but no, I haven't
the time! But I shall be here from
Wednesday to Friday, same time,
same place! Be there... or be
square! You've been a wonderful
audience, thank you.

He takes his music and leaves.

The water laps around the music stand.

He walks to the bridge.

Out jumps ALEXANDER

ERNEST
(in disgust)
Get out of my way, commoner!

He tries to push past, but Alexander blocks all attempts.

ALEXANDER
Ernest? Don't you remember me?

Ernest looks at him closely.

ERNEST
Um...

ALEXANDER
It's me, Ernest! Alexander!

ERNEST
Oh! Yeah... you're... that guy!

ALEXANDER
We performed together for 6
years! How can you-

ERNEST
They were a great six years!

ALEXANDER
Uh, yeah... I heard about you in a
report of successful solo
careers. Nice crowd you have.

Ernest smirks. We see them.

ALEDANDER
But, Ernest, old friend, I have a
proposition for you.

ERNEST
Oh, yes? Do tell.

ALEXANDER
I'd like to reform our band.

ERNEST
No.

He storms past.

ALEXANDER
But we'd be brilliant together!

He pulls out the rocks.

ERNEST
No! And you still use those? I
should've dumped you the moment you
sold your drumkit. But no, I had
faith you knew what you were
doing... No wonder we stopped
selling records.

ALEXANDER
But listen!

He plays the rocks.

ALEXANDER
Examine how the echoic consonance
gives a sense of immersion, how it
could provide cross-rhythms to your
melody which distinctly lacks a
bass, see how-

ERNEST
Alexander. They're ROCKS.

He turns, and leaves.

Alexander's eagerness turns to fury.

ALEXANDER
I'll get you! You don't know the
power of the rock side!

He holds them up. An ethereal power emits itself from them.

The audience vanish.

Alexander cackles evilly, before vanishing also.

CUT TO:

VILLAGE STREET.

ERNEST walks down. He doesn't notice that there is no
life. He whistles to himself.

ERNEST
Oh, I wonder how young Roger's
violin lessons are going? I simply
must pay him a visit.

He walks up to Roger's gate, then realises nobody is there.

ERNEST
Is so quiet...

He looks around. There is no life.

He runs.

Along a road.

Down an alleyway.

There is nobody.

He runs across a football pitch for good measure.

CUT TO:

LIVING ROOM.

He sits on the sofa, hugging his knees. He flicks through
several channels of static, completely alone.

CUT TO:

BEACH.

He returns, having lost hope. The seats are empty.

He looks down. A note is written in the sand.

Rocks Rule.

Ernest is appalled.

ERNEST
Alexander did this...

He looks determined.

ERNEST
He has to be stopped! He's taken
away my audience! There's nobody
left to listen to me!

He looks downheartened.

ERNEST
But what can I do?

He looks around. He looks at the clarinet. He looks
around. He looks back at the clarinet.

He grins.

He plays like he's never played before.

ALEXANDER is dragged back into existence.

ALEXANDER
I will, I will, ROCK Y-... what?

ERNEST
You're good, better than I ever
thought of you, I'll give you
that. But you're no match for my
clarinet!

He plays more. Alexander falls back, covering his ears in
agony.

He holds up the rocks. Laser beams fly from them.

Ernest dodges them.

A fight/dodge scene ensues.

Ernest falls and the clarinet is on the other side of the
beach.

-More lasers-

He considers the move, and makes a dive for the clarinet.

ERNEST
Well played! But you're forgetting
one thing!

ALEXANDER
WHAT?

ERNEST
...Clarinets rock.

A constant laser beam is emitted from the clarinet. It hits
Alexander in the chest, who falls and is obliterated. The
rocks fall onto the sand.

He goes over to the rocks, and sucks up the power from them
with the clarinet.

He blows a powerful note. Everyone appears.

ERNEST
That encore you asked for. Still
interested?

Much enthusiasm from the audience.

Ernest jumps in front of them, and plays a rock tune.





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