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Clarinets Rock

By: Mathew Nicolson

Page 1, This is very silly.

          BEACH.                                                           

          ERNEST BLUMBERG is performing his clarinet solo to an           
          excited audience.  It is his greatest work.                      

          Arty shots of him playing, his fingers, the beautiful           
          scenery...                                                       

                              AUDIENCE MEMBER 1                           
                         (to friend)                                      
                    He’s good, isn’t he?                                   

                              AUDIENCE MEMBER 2                           
                    Simply superb!                                         

          Ernest builds up into a crescendo, and stops.                    

          The audience applaud.                                            

          AT BRIDGE, ALEXANDER PERKINS LIES IN WAIT.                       

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Thank you, thank you!  It’s been a                    
                    pleasure to play for you!                              

                              AUDIENCE                                    
                    Encore!  Encore!                                       

                              FANATIC                                     
                    We love you Ernest!                                    

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Haha, thank you, but no, I haven’t                    
                    the time!  But I shall be here from                   
                    Wednesday to Friday, same time,                       
                    same place!  Be there... or be                        
                    square!  You’ve been a wonderful                      
                    audience, thank you.                                   

          He takes his music and leaves.                                   

          The water laps around the music stand.                           

          He walks to the bridge.                                          

          Out jumps ALEXANDER                                              

                              ERNEST                                      
                         (in disgust)                                     
                    Get out of my way, commoner!                           

          He tries to push past, but Alexander blocks all attempts.                                 

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    Ernest?  Don’t you remember me?                        

          Ernest looks at him closely.                                     

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Um...                                                  

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    It’s me, Ernest!  Alexander!                           

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Oh!  Yeah... you’re... that guy!                       

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    We performed together for 6                           
                    years!  How can you-                                   

                              ERNEST                                      
                    They were a great six years!                           

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    Uh, yeah... I heard about you in a                    
                    report of successful solo                             
                    careers.  Nice crowd you have.                         

          Ernest smirks.  We see them.                                     

                              ALEDANDER                                   
                    But, Ernest, old friend, I have a                     
                    proposition for you.                                   

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Oh, yes?  Do tell.                                     

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    I’d like to reform our band.                           

                              ERNEST                                      
                    No.                                                    

          He storms past.                                                  

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    But we’d be brilliant together!                        

          He pulls out the rocks.                                          

                              ERNEST                                      
                    No!  And you still use those?  I                      
                    should’ve dumped you the moment you                   
                    sold your drumkit.  But no, I had                     
                    faith you knew what you were                                               
                    doing... No wonder we stopped                         
                    selling records.                                       

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    But listen!                                            

          He plays the rocks.                                              

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    Examine how the echoic consonance                     
                    gives a sense of immersion, how it                    
                    could provide cross-rhythms to your                   
                    melody which distinctly lacks a                       
                    bass, see how-                                         

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Alexander.  They’re ROCKS.                             

          He turns, and leaves.                                            

          Alexander’s eagerness turns to fury.                             

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    I’ll get you!  You don’t know the                     
                    power of the rock side!                                

          He holds them up.  An ethereal power emits itself from them.     

          The audience vanish.                                             

          Alexander cackles evilly, before vanishing also.                 

                                                               CUT TO:    
                                                                          

          VILLAGE STREET.                                                  

          ERNEST walks down.  He doesn’t notice that there is no          
          life.  He whistles to himself.                                   

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Oh, I wonder how young Roger’s                        
                    violin lessons are going?  I simply                   
                    must pay him a visit.                                  

          He walks up to Roger’s gate, then realises nobody is there.      

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Is so quiet...                                         

          He looks around.  There is no life.                              

          He runs.                                                                                                      

          Along a road.                                                    

          Down an alleyway.                                                

          There is nobody.                                                 

          He runs across a football pitch for good measure.                

                                                               CUT TO:    
                                                                          

          LIVING ROOM.                                                     

          He sits on the sofa, hugging his knees.  He flicks through      
          several channels of static, completely alone.                    

                                                               CUT TO:    
                                                                          

          BEACH.                                                           

          He returns, having lost hope.  The seats are empty.              

          He looks down.  A note is written in the sand.                   

          Rocks Rule.                                                      

          Ernest is appalled.                                              

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Alexander did this...                                  

          He looks determined.                                             

                              ERNEST                                      
                    He has to be stopped!  He’s taken                     
                    away my audience!  There’s nobody                     
                    left to listen to me!                                  

          He looks downheartened.                                          

                              ERNEST                                      
                    But what can I do?                                     

          He looks around.  He looks at the clarinet.  He looks           
          around.  He looks back at the clarinet.                          

          He grins.                                                        

          He plays like he’s never played before.                          

          ALEXANDER is dragged back into existence.                                               

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    I will, I will, ROCK Y-... what?                       

                              ERNEST                                      
                    You’re good, better than I ever                       
                    thought of you, I’ll give you                         
                    that.  But you’re no match for my                     
                    clarinet!                                              

          He plays more.  Alexander falls back, covering his ears in      
          agony.                                                           

          He holds up the rocks.  Laser beams fly from them.               

          Ernest dodges them.                                              

          A fight/dodge scene ensues.                                      

          Ernest falls and the clarinet is on the other side of the       
          beach.                                                           

          -More lasers-                                                    

          He considers the move, and makes a dive for the clarinet.        

                              ERNEST                                      
                    Well played!  But you’re forgetting                   
                    one thing!                                             

                              ALEXANDER                                   
                    WHAT?                                                  

                              ERNEST                                      
                    ...Clarinets rock.                                     

          A constant laser beam is emitted from the clarinet.  It hits    
          Alexander in the chest, who falls and is obliterated.  The      
          rocks fall onto the sand.                                        

          He goes over to the rocks, and sucks up the power from them     
          with the clarinet.                                               

          He blows a powerful note.  Everyone appears.                     

                              ERNEST                                      
                    That encore you asked for.  Still                     
                    interested?                                            

          Much enthusiasm from the audience.                               

          Ernest jumps in front of them, and plays a rock tune.     

 

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