Are You Sure This Is Hogwarts?
a comedy skit by Matthew Bissonnette
INT. Hank Potter's apartment noon
A small unkempt apartment. The scene is still when the front door opens and Hank Potter walks in. He is a slim man in a white shirt and jeans with glasses and he seems exhausted. He stretches out his arms and yawns.
Another soul crushing day at my dead end job.
He then goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge and takes out a beer. He twists off the cap and drinks. He then seems to think.
My life is boring. Wish something interesting and magical would happen for once.
Then suddenly there is a flash of light which fills the room and when it fades the room is filled with envelopes swirling about as Hank watches astonished. He then grabs a letter and opens it and reads it aloud.
Hank Potter, you have been invited to enroll in Hogwarts, a six hundred year old school devoted to teaching witchcraft and sorcery. Enrollment cost three hundred dollars.
He lowers the letter and smiles.
This is a little weird, but damn, sounds fun.
EXT. Hogwarts morning
Hank is standing in a driveway in the countryside looking at something which is not revealed, a suitcase in one hand and the letter in the other. He seems puzzled and looks at the letter again.
This can't be the place. I was expecting something little more, more-
Now it is revealed that he is looking at a rundown cabin in the countryside which looks like a hovel.
Well, a little less dilapidated.
Then the front door opens and a man, Dumbledore, walks out. He is a slightly obese man wearing a tank top and dirty pants and is drinking a beer; he walks and talks like he is inebriated. Then they stand in front of each other.
Are you sure this is Hogwarts?
I'm school master Dumbledore. Are you ready for enchantment? Did you bring the money?
Hank puts down the suitcase and takes out a wad of money out of his pocket and hands it to Dumbledore who then counts it.
Ready to learn magic?
Hank leans to the side and looks at the cabin behind Dumbledore.
Maybe after a tetanus shot first.
Dumbledore walks towards the cabin.
Come on, let us get this bitch underway.
Hank just stands in place.
Maybe I should ask about a refund.
He then picks up his suitcase and follows.
A black screen with the words "Potions"
INT. shed morning
Behind the cabin is a small shed. Inside Hank is pealing potatoes beside a large moonshine distillery and Dumbledore watches as he drinks beer. Hank stops.
Why am I pealing potatoes for a class on potions?
Sounds like a question some dumb ass Muggle would ask. We need it for the moonshine.
INT. SHED later
Hank is holding a plastic jug full of moonshine and Dumbledore looks on still drinking beer. Hank hesitates for a moment then drinks it and begins to blink and stumble about.
Dumbledore drinks from his beer then shrugs.
You pass, it did not kill you.
A black screen with the words "Defense Against the Dark Arts"
INT. cabin morning
Hank is asleep in a small cot in the cabin and is snoring. But then a stream of liquid hits him in the face from off screen and he wakes up to find Dumbledore urinating in his face whose back is to the camera. Hank seems shocked.
Why are you urinating on me?
Dumbledore stops and zips up his pants.
Defense Against the dark arts. You need to know how to protect yourself from people pissing on you while your asleep.
That never happened to me once before I came to Hogwarts.
Dumbledore walks out of the room.
You still sound like a dumb ass Muggle.
A black screen with the words "Herbology"
INT. CABIN noon
A kitchen in the cabin. Dumbledore sits at the kitchen table and drinks a beer when Hank walks through the front door holding a garbage bag and seems exhausted.
I just finished harvesting your pot plants out back.
Congratulations. Next will move on to shrooms.
This does not seem very magical.
Dumbledore drinks from his beer.
Still sounding like a Muggle.
A black screen with the word "Charms"
EXT. country road noon
Hank and Dumbledore, who is drinking beer, stand on a gravel road in front of the cabin and watch something approach which is not revealed.
Now use the charm I taught you.
Now a attractive woman in a jogging suit jogs past them and Hank reluctantly speaks.
Baby, you look so fine. Want to sit on my face?
She frowns, says something, then jogs away.
Piss off you perverted loser.
You just past charms, she didn't use pepper spray.
A black screen with the words "Quidditch."
EXT. HOGWARTS MORNING
Hank is running around in circles with a broomstick between his legs on the lawn in front of the cabin. This continues for awhile when a empty beer bottle is thrown from off frame and hits him. He continues to run around in circles.
I don't entirely understand this sport.
Now it is revealed Dumbledore is throwing empty beer bottles at him.
You'll never get to the finals with that attitude.
He throws a beer bottle which hits Hank in the head and he falls over unconscious. Dumbledore frowns.
You just lost ten points.
He continues to throw beer bottles at the unconscious man.
A black screen with the words "The Dark Arts."
INT. CABIN NOON
Hank and Dumbledore sit at the kitchen table and a glass of water is on the table and Dumbledore holds a pill.
Just drop this in her drink while she is not looking, then she won't remember you sexing her up.
This is not so much magical as a serious felony.
Still sound like a muggle.
A black screen with the words "Graduation"
EXT. HOGWARTS MORNING
Hank stands outside the front door to the cabin as Dumbledore stands in the doorway holding a diploma in one hand and a beer in the other. He then hands it to Hank.
Presto, you now know magic.
Hank does not seem amused.
Thank you for this enchanting and magical experience.
Now get lost before I call the cops.
Hank walks away holding the diploma when a bald man in a black robe, Voldemort, appears from a cloud of smoke and aims a wand at him.
We meet at last Potter, now I shall destroy you.
Voldemort waves the wand and Hank explodes into a cloud of blood and after his smoking, empty shoes are on the ground. Dumbledore drinks from his beer and shrugs.
Knew he was a dumb ass Muggle.
He then goes into the cabin and slams the door.