"Liquor Store Strong-Man"
By Brock Lincoln Taffy
"Now, get your ticket to the s***-hot newest play from the man who brought you the surprise hit of last year on Broadway, "Killing Your Better Half", Brock Lincoln Taffy. That production ran on the Broadway stage for over 15 performances, and we're sure you'll freak and gobble up tickets; but hurry; tickets are going fast! In an effort to get you to fork over your hard-earned money, we're including this special gold (synthetic) leaf trimmed facsimile of the actual script used by the actors. You can order your tickets by phoning 1-800-Rake, right now; not tonight, not tomorrow, right now; this very second; after all, with your loser life, what else have you got to do? Call now!"
Desperate Dave Fryer: Colin Slick
Cashier Jim: Bobby Tanshade
Customer # 1: Prisilla Fancy
Customer # 2: Lisle Pout
Custodian Tim: Ken Airdale
Mrs. Drain: April Howser
Offstage Voice: Bart Carney
Curtain rises; Desperate Dave Friar is sitting in his apartment. There are weights strewn about, lying on the carpet. Dave is totally depressed by the thought of being totally broke, unemployed, and having already pawned almost everything of value in order to feed his growing drug problem. He's faced with pawning his last possession, his weight set:
Dave Friar, talking to himself: "Damn, I'm hooked on drugs, have no job, and am reduced to pawning my crap for drug money. Damn! How am I going to get money, fast? Hey, what about robbing the town liquor store? They're sure to have lots of money."
He grabs the gun he keeps handy for defense only, puts the pantyhose of his ex-girlfriend over his head, and heads for the store.
The lights fade out, and fade in to show a dark city street
Dave Friar: "Crap! I'm stumbling because I can't see anything with these pantyhose over my eyes. Maybe I should have waited until I got to the bank first. I didn't thin-ahh!"
Dave suddenly trips and plunges to the sidewalk
Dave Friar: "Man oh man, trying to walk with pantyhose over your face sure does suck."
Curtain falls: end of Act 1
Curtain rises to show the interior of a liquor store:
Cashier Jim: "Thank you Mrs. Drain, and hey, you have a nice day okay?"
Mrs. Drain leaves the store, and as she's leaving Desperate Dave Friar plows into her as he tries entering the store:
Mrs. Drain: "Hey, watch where you're going!"
Dave Friar: "Sorry."
Disgusted by the sight of a man she assumes is just a pervert, Mrs. Drain gives him a dirty look and walks offstage:
Dave Friar, after entering: "Alright, this is a hold-up; just stay calm and nobody gets hurt!"
Screams and panic from the other 2 customers in the store, as well as and the cashier, Jim. Desperate Dave Friar places a gym bag on the counter in front of Cashier Jim:
Dave Friar: "I'm desperate and just as scared as you, so fill this bag with all your cash and I'll be out of here!"
Customer 1: "Oh crap, he's got a gun!"
Customer 2: "A gun? We're all going to be slaughtered!"
More screams, more panic:
Dave Friar: "Look people, no one is going to get hurt, I just need quick cash 'cause I'm hooked on drugs!"
Customer 1: "Oh, you're hooked on drugs, huh? Well, think man, this isn't worth it! What are you going to get, a few dollars you're only going to throw away on drugs? If you walk away now, I'm sure none of us will tell, isn't that right, everyone?"
Customer 2: "Well, I for one have to tell, this is against the law!"
Cashier Jim: "Lady, for goodness sake! We're being robbed by a man with a gun and wearing underwear on his head to hide his identity; we're giving him an out, and you're saying what he's doing is against the law?"
Customer 2: "I'm sorry, but without upholding the law, we're all doomed. If we don't report this, it'll just encourage him to do it again. He has to be taught there will be consequences for doing this sort of lazy-man's way of getting easy money."
Dave Friar: "Don't listen to her! I don't like having to resort to this desperate measure, but I'm desperate for drug money and the sooner this bag gets filled with cash, the sooner I'll be on my way. Now, nobody move again, or I'll shoot!"
To prove he's serious, he points the gun over their heads and pulls the trigger. The crashing volley of gunfire echoes in the air:
More screams and panic:
Cashier Jim: "See what you've done, lady? Now keep your damned yap shut!"
Silence once again as the sheetrock dust from the bullet he fired into the ceiling drifts down and chokes Desperate Dave. Unbeknownst to him, Custodian Tim had been in the bathroom when the robbery started and is plotting how to stop it from his hiding place. Desperate Dave Friar has to use the bathroom all of a sudden:
Desperate Dave Friar: "Alright everyone, listen up, I'm going to take a leak and I'm going to leave the door open while I'm going, so I can make sure nobody tries anything foolish!"
Customer 2: "Gross! Don't you have any decency? We don't want to see your spud. Why didn't you go before you left for the robbery?"
Dave Friar: "Well, excuse me; I didn't have to go then. Now everybody, keep your hands where I can see them. I'm going, but I'll be watching all the time."
End Act two: curtain falls
Act Three: curtain open:
Custodian Tim has been in the bathroom,heard the conversation, and tenses himself for action:
Dave Friar walks into the bathroom, opens the door, and leaves it open so he can see out:
Dave Friar to himself: "Boy, did I have to go!"
He starts to go, then starts to whistle:
Dave Friar: "Ahh! Much bette--"
Custodian Tim has run up behind him, and pinned both his arms. A shot rings out as Desperate Dave Friar drops the gun and shouts in shocked surprise and pain, because he has accidentally shot himself in the foot:
Dave Friar, grimacing in agony: "Now look what you made me do! You should know better than scare a man who's got a gun, and who's taking a whiz. Who are you?"
Custodian Tim: "I'm the custodian, and I was in here doing my business when you came in. Hey, someone out in the bank lobby, call the police!"
Dave Friar: "She-it!"
Dave Friar, his pant leg shedding blood and other liquids, is handcuffed by the police and led offstage, where he'll be hauled off to jail. Curtain falls.
End of Act 3
Curtain rises to begin Act 4. Desperate Dave Friar alone at a workbench in jail. His crutches are propped up against the wall:
From offstage, a voice calls: "Hey, you, you done with that first batch of license plates yet?"
Desperate Dave Friar says to himself: "Man, these shakes and cold sweat, sure are uncomfortable!"
Light fades out, curtain falls