"Wake Up, America!"
A New Play Based on Things That Actually Might Happen
By Mike Stevens
"Due to the popularity of our giving away of play scripts in an attempt to get you off your dead a** to come see the play in person, at a theater near you, here's another: the true story of the hereto unknown danger that's lurking out there that will drag this country right down the s******, such as our president secretly being foreign, or his secret plan to sell America to some different-religion (non-Christian) foreign country, to his secret plan to rid this country of older Americans. The possible dangers you can dream up are outlan-err-terrifying! Playwright Mike Stevens dares to rip the festering wound that is today's secret left-wing conspiracy wide open with his play "Wake up, America!" The following script is for your benefit: you, the totally-unaware-of-the-hidden-dangers public, that shows you the things that very possibly could happen. This facsimile script will hopefully entice you to buy several tickets so that you will learn the hidden dangers that only a man as brilliant as Mike Stevens can dream up--err--tell you about. So, be sure to buy your ticket to this soon-to-be-considered-a-classic American play."
Cast: President Eraba: Lefty Scallop
Vice President Binder: Dane Hack
Majority Leader Derek Canker: Skip Eyat
News Celebrity: Push Scowlba
Minority Leader Lilly Huffosi: Barb Chubb
Curtain rises to show the first day of President Eraba's reign-err-presidency. Just moments before, a world-wide audience witnessed history being made as Eraba, the first president secretly from a foreign country, was sworn into office. America has several severe problems which Eraba needs to contend with. The opposition party has wisely decided to not give Eraba any help whatsoever. They haven't bought into the new president's seemingly-rational argument that the many problems the country faces cry out for bi-partisan solutions, and have seen the danger that the rational, thoughtful president will unleash on an unsuspecting, god-fearing nation. In scene one, President Eraba has called all the leaders in congress, except Speaker of the House Ron Painer and Senate Majority Leader Rich McDougle, who are both away having their heads examined, along with News Celebrity Push Scowlba, together to let them know his dangerously-evil secret agenda:
President Eraba: "Thank you all for coming. I just wanted to let you know my real agenda. I know what I've assured the American people, but how stupid can you get? They must have noticed I was secretly-foreign, and yet they voted for me anyway; I mean, 'hello!' They were so easy to fool."
News Celebrity Scowlba: "I knew it!"
Vice President Binder: "Who invited you?"
Scowlba: "No one: I'm here on behalf of the 40 percent of the country who refuse to let a little thing like a democracy get in the way of our god-given right to mistrust and hate!"
Vice President Binder: "Oh."
Majority Leader Canker: "If I could interrupt?"
President Eraba: "I've just made my first executive decision; "No!"
Majority Leader Canker: "Please?"
President Eraba: "So that we have a consensus, we'll take a vote. Vice President Binder?"
Vice President Binder: "This reminds me of what my dear neighbor, god bless her soul, used to say, "Joe, tell those sons of bitches to eat it! I vote no."
President Eraba: "Majority Leader Canker?"
Majority Leader Canker: "No, no, no, hell no! Oh, wait; yes!"
President Eraba: "News Celebrity Scowlba?"
Scowlba: "I have one question for my followers. Isn't this the way the Nazi Party started? You give them control over your life, and they just force their way in and take over!"
President Eraba: "Let's forget that that makes about as much sense as t** on a boar, what is your vote?"
Scowlba: "My vote is a big yes!"
President Eraba: "Minority Leader?"
Minority Leader Huffosi : "For the first time, every American will have access to affordable healthc-"
President Eraba: "What is your vote?"
Minority Leader Huffosi: "Oh, sorry: no!"
President Eraba: "That makes the vote 2 to 2, so I guess mine will be the deciding vote; no!"
News Celebrity Scowlba: "Well, whoopty-fricking-doo; there's a shocker!"
President Eraba: "You know, I've put up with your absolute crap for way, way to long now; I'm going to have to ask you to leave! In fact, I can't understand who invited you in the first place."
Scowlba: "Doesn't that just figure; as soon as I might learn the truth about your secret agenda, you want to kick me out. Well I'm not leaving; you know, Hitler kept secrets too!"
President Eraba: "Oh, you'll leave when I direct the writer to stop writing lines for you."
Scowlba: "You can't do that; I have just as much right to-"
President Eraba: "See ya'! I need to give a big shout out to the author. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was just about to reveal my actual agenda to those that are still being written for. Now that I hold the reigns of power, and have successfully pulled the wool over the eyes of the American people, I'm going to align America with Palucastan."
Minority Leader Huffosi: "Palucastan? Why, they're fighting to achieve everything the U.S. is totally against!"
President Eraba, laughing maniacally: "Wa, ha, ha ha; I'm the duly-elected president; No one can stop my sinister plans!"
Vice President Binder: "We're screwed!"
Curtain Falls; end of Act 1:
Majority Leader Canker; "If only the American people had listened to us."
Minority Leader Huffosi: "Yeah, but Derek, your side sounded absolutely fricking crazy. If you thought it would damage Eraba, you'd claim that he was an alien with three heads!"
Majority Leader Canker: "How do we know he's not? Until he produces proof to the contrary, you have to wonder, "What's he hiding?"
President Eraba: "All I have to do is tell the American people I'm not, and they'll believe me."
Vice President Binder: "Wouldn't the three hats give it away? Eh, ha, ha, I jest!"
Majority Leader Canker: "Joke all you want, but this is serious; We knew you were hiding something. Tell us and the American people; were you born on this planet?"
Minority Leader Huffosi: "Ccrraaa-zzee!"
President Eraba: "Of course I was born on Earth; I just was born in Palucastan; eh, ha, ha!"
Curtain falls and an ominous voice warns, "This is only a play, you say? And Hitler started out as someone you might go bowling with! Watch; watch very carefully, our political process may have been hijacked by the left, or maybe aliens?"