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Shrinks A Lot

Script By: moosewithapen
Humor



A very depressed patient pays a visit to a renowned local psychiatrist and receives a BIG surprise...


Submitted:Feb 26, 2011    Reads: 174    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


SHRINKS A LOT

ACTING SCENE

BY DAPHNE AMMAGUCHIE

FEBRUARY 26, 2011

(IT IS A CLEAR, CALM THURSDAY MORNING. PATIENT HAS A HISTORY OF SEVERE DEPRESSION AND HAS VISITED A RENOWNED PSYCHIATRIST TO HELP HIM DEAL WITH HIS PROBLEMS. AS HE COMES IN FOR HIS INITIAL APPOINTMENT WITH THIS PSYCHIATRIST, HE FINDS HIMSELF QUITE SURPRISED BY THE TURN OF EVENTS…)

(Patient walks in, head down, depressed)

Psychiatrist

(low voice, casts patient a side glance) Hey.

Patient

*sigh* Hello, Doctor.

(Psychiatrist looks intently down at the ground and says nothing)

Patient

Doctor?

Psychiatrist

Yeah, I'm here, but I don't wanna be…

Patient

(surprised) Excuse me?

(awkward silence--psychiatrist stares at patient)

Psychiatrist

(grabs a paperweight off his desk and hands it to patient) As hard as you can. On my head. Please. Humor me.

(Patient holds paperweight in his hands uncertainly, looking up at psychiatrist, very confused and surprised)

Psychiatrist

Yeah. Go ahead and look at me like I'm a dog. That's all my life amounts to right now.

Patient

Are…are you okay? (sets down paperweight)

Psychiatrist

No. I hate my life.

Patient

Oh?

Psychiatrist

I hate everything. I hate primetime television. I hate crowded parking lots. I hate reduced-calorie foods. I hate work. I hate patients. I hate everything. I wish this room was on the third story so I could jump out and perish. But then again, I hate the third story and I hate jumping. I hate everything.

Patient

Tell me how this makes you feel. (leans close)

Psychiatrist

I feel like a repressed black storm cloud hangs above my head, casting its evil shadows upon me, raining down on me with livid fury, sucking out the very essence of life that I may or may not have in me.

Patient

(crosses legs and begins jotting stuff down in a notepad he got from the desk) Uh huh...uh huh...

Psychiatrist

What is the sense in trying when you know you'll never see the light? I don't want to fight. I don't care. I hate everything about life. Hate it. I hate it! (stamps foot)

Patient

Now…have you talked to family and friends about your condition?

Psychiatrist

I've tried. I've tried more than I care to. They tell me that I need to go see a counselor. Well guess what? I am a counselor! Whoopty stinking doo!

Patient

Perhaps it would be conducive to investigate the nature of your illness…

Psychiatrist

Depression. Clinical depression. Defined by a strong chemical imbalance influence on the mind. Symptoms include lack of interest in previously enjoyed recreation, mood swings, changes in appetite including weight gain and/or loss, ample increase of sleep, lack of motivation and focus, impaired decision making, and basically, a general hatred of EVERYTHING.

Patient

Um…okay…well…let's see…maybe we should focus on the more positive aspects of your life?

Psychiatrist

(sullen laugh) WHATpositive aspects?

Patient

Well, what are your favorite activities? What do you enjoy?

Psychiatrist

Practically anything that deals with inflicting severe emotional or physical pain upon myself. I enjoy cutting with sharp razor blades, maintaining little to no social contact with anyone, writing depressing and suicidal poetry, scorning nature, and watching political programming.

Patient

Wow. I meant something that most people deem enjoyable. Like chess.

Psychiatrist

Oh, I love chess. Especially when I pretend that the chess pieces are an army of skilled tribal warriors that will promptly stop by my office and spear me to death.

Patient

I'm sensing a lot of negative energy here.

Psychiatrist

Good. The world needs to inhale the vapors of my depressing life.

Patient

What I'm trying to tell you, Doctor, is that you really need to find good things about life. The rising sun, or the smile of a stranger, perhaps--

Psychiatrist

I hate blinding light and fake people. And tacos.

Patient

--and channel those negative emotions into something good. Something…positive. (looks introspective and thoughtfully stares off into the distance)

Psychiatrist

Yeah, yeah, yeah. (traces patterns on his pants, bored)

Patient

Ok. (looks at watch) The appointment was supposed to last for another half hour, but I'd like to leave early and go take a walk or something. Admire nature. I feel very rejuvenated.

Psychiatrist

(skeptically) Well make sure nature knows that it sucks at life.

Patient

So, Doctor, same time next week then?

Psychiatrist

Sigh…if I haven't successfully killed myself by then, yes. I hate it when I don't fully succeed. I hate hospitals and emergency rooms. Along with everything else.

Patient

Well, remember what I said, Doctor--stay positive! (walks out of room, smiling and whistling)

(Shortly after, the owner of the firm walks into the psychiatrist's office and plops down on one of the chairs.)

Owner

(chuckling) Well, well, well, Doctor. That patient was grinning from ear to ear as he left your office!

Psychiatrist

(uninterested) Yay...

Owner

Tell you what, Doc, this "reverse shock therapy" is working wonders! What I wouldn't give to see the patients' reactions when they meet you for the first time! We haven't had a disgruntled patient in months because of you!

Psychiatrist

I really, really do not care.

Owner

I'm thinking you deserve a higher salary, Doc. Let me see what kind of strings I can pull. You're a genius!

 

Psychiatrist

I'm a genius in a world of lies. Just knock me unconscious. K-O, swift punch to the face. Or you can knock me eternally unconscious if you want. Coma. Then hide me in your basement. No one cares about my life enough to notice my disappearance.

Owner

(chuckles) You're a card, Doc. Keep up the good work! (leaves)

(END OF SCENE)

Moral of the story: Always bring peppermints with you to the zoo.





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