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A Krampus Christmas


For those of you who don't know, Krampus is a tradition in Eastern Europe. He is a mythological demon creature that accompanies Saint Nicholas around the world on his sleigh, so he can go around beating the s**t out of naughty kids with sticks. I thought he deserved a nice Christmas song.

Submitted:Dec 20, 2010    Reads: 67    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

(We start with Sean Byrne in front of a fireplace with a pipe.)
SEAN BYRNE: Hello. Welcome to "A Krampus Christmas". Tonight we are going to celebrate one of the many fine things about Christmas in Eastern Europe. Krampus. Who's Krampus? Ask him yourself.
(Krampus walks in. He is a demonic creature with horns and is holding sticks.)
KRAMPUS: My name is Krampus and on Christmas night, while you are hoping for Santa Claus you'll receive quite a fright, when you realize that you're in a fight…for your life…with Krampus. I will sneak into your house while Saint Nicholas waits outside…I will make you piss your blouse when you see me walking by…If you've been naughty I will whack you with my many strong, strong sticks. And I even might throw you in a stream, just for kicks.
SEAN: Why, mista Krampus, why must you do it?
KRAMPUS: Because if I don't, then you'll never learn your lesson.
SEAN: But, mista Krampus, can't you find another way?
KRAMPUS: Would you rather me talk about the stupid s**t you do all day?
SEAN: Yes, Mista Krampus, diplomacy is the key!
KRAMPUS: Well…..f**k that. Because I am bad, and I am mad, and I will chop you up until you're a big meat slab. I will throw you in a fire and burn you up, cook you for breakfast lunch or dinner, I don't give a f**k. Because I'm Krampus.
SEAN: The only difference between Krampus and the Grinch, is that the Grinch is a p***y and has no relation to Santa Claus, but Krampus has relation, does that not cause elation? That Krampus and Santa are causing mutilation? All across the Nation, we shall see that Krampus and Santa are like you and me. One is good, one is bad, one is fat, one is skinny as a g**damn tree! I don't even know what to say if you and me are to mate, our baby would be an ugly son of a hay, because, Krampus takes the joy of the Christmas season and turns that s**t around. You know why? Because if you're bad, you deserve to drown. Krampus, wind this s**t down!
KRAMPUS: On Christmas day, if you've been naughty, remember that Santa Claus, has an assistant, and if you're bad, he'll beat you up like Sonny Listen.
SEAN: But Mista Krampus, didn't listen lose against Muhammed Ali?
KRAMPUS: Irrelevant.
SEAN: Why?
KRAMPUS: Because on Christmas Day, Sonny Listen is Krampus.
KRAMPUS: Oh what?


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