CNN/BLR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
DECEMBER 1, 2011
(We start with Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, President Obama, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Jon Huntsman on a debate stage in front of podiums. Anderson Cooper is the moderator)
ANDERSON COOPER: Welcome to the CNN/BLR debate. My name is Anderson Cooper. Tonight, we will focus on a litany of issues. Let me welcome the 2012 Republican candidates for President. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, Texas Congressman Ron Paul and former Chinese Ambassador and former Governor of Utah Jon Huntsman. (Applause) But also, let me welcome the President of the United States, Barack Obama, who has been invited here to debate his Republican colleagues. (Reluctant applause) Welcome, Mr. President. Also, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan is here to try his hand at a possible Presidential run or VP nomination. Let's welcome him. (Applause) Also, we have Vice President Joe Biden here as well to debate his Republican colleagues and potential VP opponent. Also, for some reason, we have former Presidents Bush and Clinton here to put in their two cents, but we will be asking them questions sparingly. Welcome all. First question will be to Governor Rick Perry. Governor, you have been criticized for your stance on the price of ice cream and your tendency to campaign with a woman named Marsha while doing dangerous stunts. How do you respond to these criticisms?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Ice cream is cheap. Fact. And then I suspended Marsha from this bridge and took a virgin heifer, night ridin' for a while, we never got a dead spirit. We hated it though. It's disgusting.
ANDERSON COOPER: So it sounds like you did get a dead spirit. Anyway, Mr. President, most of the candidates on this stage have been very critical of you. The conservative Blue-Eyed hobbit association said you can "go to hell". How do you respond to these criticisms?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: "Go to hell" you say. Bitch, just zip it. This was so hot. Because even long-legged women can't tell there's a blue-eyed hobbit. And I'm a witness for them.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, sir. Congresswoman Bachmann, recent pictures show you consuming alcohol and receiving cunnilingus while on a camping trip in Oahu and the date on the pictures was August 17, 2011. How can you explain these scandalous photographs?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: We had been camping for two nights and six mornings, downing Bacardi in Oahu, and where I'm from, mama gets a what-what, you know I represent.
ANDERSON COOPER: I am aware of that, yes. Anyway, Governor Romney, you have been called a flip-flopper, a whore, a political slut, a man willing to sell out any belief just to get elected, an asshole without a cause, and just the other day my sister threw a dead fish threw your window and it struck your television. Are you able to remain happy in the face of so much hate?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I was happy until your sister threw a sea fish at my TV.
ANDERSON COOPER: (Laughs) Superb, Governor. Mr. Cain, what is your stance on Facebook?
HERMAN CAIN: Before mighty Facebook, how would I have found Tom Hanks?
ANDERSON COOPER: Point well made, sir. Congressman Paul, as you travel around the country, what do people say about you and your passion?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: A lot of people say "I kinda wish you were less cuckoo"
(Ron Paul laughs)
ANDERSON COOPER: Indeed, sir. Speaker Gingrich, you have made several disparaging comments about minorities, but you have spared Asians. Why?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Raja faja naci. Nacho majo si. Limo sachu baruti. Eli jinkstao mao.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, that wasn't a language. Anyway, Senator Santorum, many have called your policies draconian, oppressive and crazy. How do you respond?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I'm crazy. And I'm right.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. Mr. Vice President, you have said that the terrorists eat with their hands and that caramel on a person's hand makes them a terror suspect. Are you concerned about the amount of terrorist influence there is in the United States?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Nobody ever gets caramel hands. Because caramel hands are for terror. They're crazy lunch digits. You better not eat any.
ANDERSON COOPER: Are you going to eat any?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: You bet I will! You potato brains!
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, way to be a hypocrite and way to call your audience stupid. Congressman Ryan, many have criticized your healthcare policies, saying they pull the social safety net from under seniors. Many have wondered if you have any sympathy for sick people at all. So, tell us about a physical malady you've struggled with.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I've got this mole, right?
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, never mind. That's disgusting. President Clinton, you and President Bush recently joined forces in the Clinton Global imitative to spread a program that encourages people to engage in hobbies. You recently announced a push to get celebrities to pursue hobbies in order to encourage people to pursue hobbies themselves. President Clinton, how is that coming along?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: We made a sorry attempt at tricking Alicia Keyes into going ice fishing.
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked out. President Bush, your retirement from politics has been mostly out of sight, but you did recently purchase a boat you call "the dream shuffler". However, PETA has criticized you for abusing parrots on this ship. Is this true, and can I go on your ship some day?
PRESIDENT BUSH: We can float on my dream shuffler. Those parrots have always jumped on me and I actually hurt them.
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, the parrots started it I guess. I can't wait to hang out with you on your boat, sir. Governor Perry, recent pictures show you at a "married fools" function, where married men go to socialize and it appears as though the room you were in was covered in human lungs and fish guts. How do you explain this?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Someone had a grade A lung fish decorate their home for a married fools function.
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm satisfied. President Obama, this country is suffering from an economic crisis, and some say a food shortage is on the way. What is your plan for that?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: We've been out of brownies, rice and we miss pork chops in the summer. That's why I stole beefaroni, garlic, peanut butter, ice cream, purple flowers.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, Mr. President. Congresswoman Bachmann, you recently slipped on several eggs and had your tape of the "Three Stooges" stolen. However, the police have refused to help you have opposed seagulls throughout your campaign, saying they're "boring" and as you know, police love seagulls. Are you ready to modify your position?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: I wasted like, two or three eggs and changed my Facebook pic to boring seagulls and the police have agreed to find my stooges tape! Hope you don't come shoot at me!
ANDERSON COOPER: I won't. Governor Romney, I would first like to thank you for helping me come to terms with my homosexuality over the phone like you did. I would like to offer you these cookies.
(Anderson holds up a tray of cookies)
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Ah, cookies. Can I take one?
ANDERSON COOPER: Absolutely, sir. (Anderson puts the cookies away) I also gave Governor Romney a bench as a gift because he is the only reason I didn't end my own life.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Thank you for the bench. Don't commit suicide.
ANDERSON COOPER: I won't, sir. Now, my question is, how will you combat terrorism as President?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I will force spiders and badgers on the enemy. And get 'em all to shut up.
ANDERSON COOPER: Seems like a bold new plan. Mr. Cain, you have fundraised millions of dollars, why do you think this is the case?
HERMAN CAIN: Yeah, I'm rollin' in it. I could probably freak on you.
ANDERSON COOPER: Sir, I may be gay, but I don't have jungle fever. Plus I'm not sure how having a lot of money entitles you to have gay sex with me. Anyway, Congressman Ryan, you have several videos on your website of you talking about weird things. What are those?
PAUL RYAN: Paul Ryan video diary, WOO! PARTY TIME!
ANDERSON COOPER: Enough. Jesus. President Clinton, it is my belief that if you don't come to my house on Saturday night and watch the game with me, goats and demons will reign terror on all of your houses. How do you respond?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Bitch, everybody in here is safe from your crazy goat and demon fear. And we will not watch the game.
ANDERSON COOPER: Did the 42nd President of the United States just call me a bitch? Fine, I didn't want any of you guys at my game anyway. But hopefully Bush and I are still on for the boat party. Speaking of which, President Bush, at your boat party, will you be brave enough to do shots of absinthe? Also, what will you serve at the party?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I'm braver than a lion. Now who's ready for beer and Doritos?
ANDERSON COOPER: I am! Anyway, Governor Perry, here's a soft ball, what did you have for lunch yesterday?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Tuna, eggs, Doritos, cheesecake, tamales. See ya.
ANDERSON COOPER: Sounds healthy. Congressman Paul, you have called me frequently and left several message tinged with sexual innuendo using some sort of fifties slang and you promised you would buy me anything I wanted including pets, provided that I be your boyfriend. What kind of things would you buy me, Congressman?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: A pretty, a pretty, a pretty goose for you. Like a pretty racing car.
ANDERSON COOPER: Awesome! Meet up with me after the show, Congressman. Speaker Gingrich, you have been accused recently of using RNC donations in the 1990s on cocaine parties, and people are saying you took advantage of the death of the RNC's main accountant, whom you compared with the dodo because you thought accountants were outdated. Is that true?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Rick James knew what I liked. Hit parties with elephant money. But then the dodo disappeared, and I spent the cash.
ANDERSON COOPER: That doesn't surprise me, you're a terrible human being. Senator, you recently stopped having your wife campaign with you due to the fact that she is overweight, depressed and sick from eating too much candy, beef and gum and you felt like she might be a liability to your campaign. Given your Christian faith, do you believe this is what Jesus would've done?
SENATOR SANTORUM: The big fat chick stunk. Like, beef. And candy depression. And gum and stuff. And if I see her sick. Maybe I'm embarrassed.
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh. She smelled bad, now I understand. Vice President Biden, you were recently injured during a threesome you had with a model and a man dressed as a honey bee and you put meat on the wound to heal it. Since you are married to Jill Biden sir, how can you defend this?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: There was this smokin' model. I said "Hey, I got stung briefly when you guys had sex. And I need you to call your fool for sandwich meat."
ANDERSON COOPER: That really wasn't defending it all, Joe. Anyway, Mr. President, your efforts to combat anorexia have been criticized by prolific author and former prostitute Xavier Hollander. She has even damaged the White House out of protest. She has especially criticized your program allocating red sweat suits for any former anorexic to have more comfortable clothing to accommodate gained weight. You have also referred to anorexics as "bull frogs". What is your beef with anorexia?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: The hoe would smash my windows. She was crazy. But one other thing. Pressure to put on weight is one of the reasons we've got the red sweat suits. There's no way we couldn't. We're creeping between the bull frogs.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, Mr. President. Congresswoman Bachmann, while leaning out of a sporty Chevy hybrid recently, you promised to cure nausea. You proposed installing a governmental position filled by a confident bore in a position of power to enable him to work with big foot to end nausea. How would this work and are you aware that bigfoot is not real?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: Well, I'm not leaning from a sporty Chevy hybrid. With one cock-eyed bore, I'm going to cure everybody whose nauseas. And my sister, talks to bigfoot, who's her neighbor.
ANDERSON COOPER: Great. Governor Romney, do you think it'd be beneficial to the nation if Madonna married a real giant?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: If Madonna married a real giant that would be good. At least I think it would. Wait, no it wouldn't because never mind.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. A flip-flop from Mitt Romney. What a surprise. Anyway, Mr. Cain, your fundraising has been very successful but some people have been saying the money goes mostly to deceitful attack ads and your food. How do you feel about the fundraising and these allegations?
HERMAN CAIN: It's crazy, we never had this. And ol' riding eagle's nest. Nachos and hogwash. This is my juice. And I'm hungry. McDonald's special. Get me a large plate. And I'll sing, sing, sing about it.
ANDERSON COOPER: I think that was a defense. Anyway, Congressman Ryan, I am giving you one last chance to connect with the American people about some malady you've experienced so they can know you care about their health services. Go ahead.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: You ever have a butt cheek problem in the morning? And you're going to vomit?
ANDERSON COOPER: No, actually. Jesus. Anyway, President Clinton, I just got a text from Mr. Walton that you've bought CNN. This is crazy, I'm glad you're my new boss. My question is, what is going to be your first action as CEO of CNN and will you forgive the fact that I stole some knives from the CNN break room last week? Walton really got on my back about that.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: You're fired. And the knives will be safe.
ANDERSON COOPER: What the fuck? You know what, you're an asshole, I'm not asking you or Bushy any more questions for the rest of the debate. Although hopefully George and I are still on for that party. (Anderson smiles) Moving on, Governor Perry, you understand that our computer industry is in trouble and we need to harvest the power of our animals to save it. How would you do this?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Wash that smile off. (Anderson stops smiling) I'm going to tell you something, now sit down! (All the candidates sit) What's good, is to get these goats, for our computer industry!
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Candidates, you can stand up now. (They all stand up) Great. Now Congressman Paul, you have rejected the idea that people should eat their own shit, something that has become a craze among the youth. Can you explain why this has become such a craze?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Everybody wants to do it and not think about the bad feces pudding.
ANDERSON COOPER: What else would they think about? Speaker Gingrich, two farmers have recently come out with a detailed story about how you allegedly almost tricked them into buying worthless mortgage securities from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Is this true?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Shit happens. You can't bluff mule drivers.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, you are admitting to everything today. Senator Santorum, pictures have circulated on the internet of you double-fisting a black cock. Can you explain this?
SENATOR SANTORUM: And I hold it so it's a fancy fist with joy.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, how many Republicans are repressed homosexuals? Anyway, Mr. President, you have said that the greatest threat facing America is a lack of access to depraved, anonymous drug-induced sex. Have you a solution to this problem?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Let's creep in the frozen aisle and think one thought. Trick the bridesmaid to get her to take it off. She'll take the mushroom out. Unzip the wind flap and love, and you can't go wrong.
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Congresswoman Bachmann-
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Let's creep in the frozen aisle and think one thought. Trick the bridesmaid to get her to take it off. She'll take the mushroom out. Unzip the wind flap and love, and you can't go wrong.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, we get it. Congresswoman Bachmann, please describe the premise of Three's Company.
MICHELLE BACHMANN: Three's Company had two dumb girls, Janet was so mean and so good. I mean, have you only met real folks?
ANDERSON COOPER: Not even close. Governor Romney, my stepchild recently had to bake these cookies for you, and I hope you appreciate them because I appreciate the help you gave me. Especially since he did not have a lot of fun making them. He was hoping you could lift his spirit tonight, perhaps with a song.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Happy stepchild. (Laughter. Then, Romney takes a cookie) I told you to check it out. Oh, hey this is for the cow. (He hands the cookie to a stage hand and he takes the cookie away) In America, we have a song. Ding dong lamawoni, jumping with an ice pick, she thinks I'm going in.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, sir. I'm sure that did it. Mr. Cain, many Americans are hungry. What would you do to address American famine?
HERMAN CAIN: I'm going to leave a dime for you to eat White Castle.
ANDERSON COOPER: Alright, I'm sure that'll get me half an ice cube. Thanks. Anyway, Congressman Ryan, you recently claimed that American Ambassador Susan Rice broke into your house and tried to rob you. Describe exactly what happened.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I swear there was this black Cinderella who rushed into my room. She wanted to jump me.
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm not sure if you're racist or just have a weird crush on Susan Rice. Anyway, Governor Perry, I just want to mention that I'm available for any construction jobs you might want me for. I charge 75 dollars an hour and I do require that I remove my shirt to show my sinewy muscles. But I digress. How would you address African famine?
GOVERNOR PERRY: What I want you to do is build me a small dog house.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes sir.
GOVERNOR PERRY: I'm bored by famine. I can't wait for a medieval cookie, a cinnabon, some hot yella kool-aid, and save a pretzel for the gas jets!
ANDERSON COOPER: Big gas jets fans here. Congressman Paul, your foreign policy has been described as isolationist. What if the world taunted us, repeatedly taunted us, to where immature countries started screaming foreign obscenities at us, then would you take military action?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: What if the world said "nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah", like a parrot, or a baby got, two uh, two knick-knacks up her sleeve and screamed "maholo"?
ANDERSON COOPER: Someone's sarcastic. Speaker Gingrich, you have been very critical of the media, and we just want you to know that we hate you back, you big fruit panties!
SPEAKER GINGRICH: What's with the "fruit panties"? You hatin' on me?
ANDERSON COOPER: Damnit! He victimized himself again! Senator Santorum, you have warned of an impending meat shortage and have said that we should get meat from foreign areas, but yet oppose deficit spending. Also it seems as though you'd only use the meat to feed your cat? Can you explain this?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I'd borrow meat. To provide for my puddy tat.
ANDERSON COOPER: Cute name. Mr. Vice President, YOU HAVE WON A MOTORCYCLE!
(Joe Biden runs down stage as two women present him the motor cycle. He sits down on it)
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Is this a Jeep?
ANDERSON COOPER: No, uh-
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: That's a pancake! (Laughs) Damn.
ANDERSON COOPER: It's not a pancake, it's clearly a motorcycle. Anyway, go back. (Vice President Biden goes back to his podium) Mr. President, you have said we must create public pressure on companies to eliminate malfeasance by teaching them how to remove moral ambiguity. How do you suggest we accomplish this?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Let's creep in a large office and make friction after we eat lunch. Reminds me of one dude in college who used to make goats tell time. (Laughter) Puff it up for me.
ANDERSON COOPER: Superb, Mr. President. Congresswoman Bachmann, you are a strong proponent of the second amendment, you are anti-gun control and you are firmly anti-drug. Explain specifically your position on drugs and guns.
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: If I assault you, your arm wouldn't defend you. It's better to not do it. And when I buy stickers for folks in prison, I bring milk, not backyard meth. It's a prison party.
ANDERSON COOPER: How nice. Governor Romney, my herd of journalists discovered your friend's boat had been seized by a princess at one point and that you managed to convince her through charm and cunning wit to release it. Is that true?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Save your herd. (Laughter) Did the princess seize my buddy's boat? Aye, captain. I'm very good company.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes you are, sir. Mr. Cain, you have been very critical of the complaining nature of this country, do you really think we're a nation of complainers?
HERMAN CAIN: Pouty people and whiny people, friends, shut your ass up or I'm going back to sleep!
ANDERSON COOPER: You were asleep before? Anyway, Congressman Ryan, from what I understand you have a band. Tell us about this.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I'm in a band called "Steak Baby", which is like, the best band I've ever been in. We have a guitar and a song, that's about my favorite color. "Orange space monkey, don't break the couch much".
ANDERSON COOPER: Whose favorite color is orange? Anyway, Governor Perry, what is your view on American innovation and what is your favorite food?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Some do the Olympics and some defy the titans! Ice cream.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you. Congressman Paul, you have been accused of attempting to murder a man with excessive hair on his body by stepping on him near a fruit tree in 2006. Can you explain the incident to us?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I helped a fuzzy dude, cut a piece of fruit. And while he was chewing on it, I mushed it and called an ambulance.
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Speaker Gingrich, you have recently been taking dancing lessons. Why?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: I want to crump, but don't want to push it.
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Don't want to take that shit too far, got ya. Senator Santorum, I'm going to the grocery store after this, what should I get?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Get the pop tart!
ANDERSON COOPER: That does sound good. Thank you, sir. Mr. Vice President, this administration has voiced its support for the gay community. And although the President has not come out in support of gay marriage, you have. What is your family doing to support the gay community?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: They're getting a little lesbian cub that burps and spits.
ANDERSON COOPER: That's kind of gross. Mr. President, we've all heard about Herman Cain's sex scandal, but you have one of your own. A woman alleges that while you were a community organizer in 1993 you paid a woman to let you chew her breasts. Is this true?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: That girl's been so cheap it made me bananas. Big ol' breasts. Not the ones that make your tooth bleed and stop you from eating. That's not fair.
ANDERSON COOPER: Teeth don't bleed, but I'm probably missing the point. Congresswoman Bachmann, you have compared Hillary Clinton to a "sugar fountain fairy" and Obama's administration to a "stale hope soybean" and have alleged that the Obama administration has been bad for German immigrants, considering German homelessness rates are up. My question is, what?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMAN: The sugar fountain fairy swore so hard when she came to supersize that stale hope soybean. Like a homeless German woman. Who is this super-sizing spirit-crushing femme? And tell her I'll break a tree root up in her shrimp.
ANDERSON COOPER: Could you not speak in unbelievably complicated metaphors? Governor Romney, I would like to offer you some pizza (takes out a pizza box) as another gift for what you did.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Be sure the pizza has an old fly in it.
ANDERSON COOPER: I will. I know your love of dead bugs. Anyway, here's your question. Some have alleged that while you were the Governor of Massachusetts you spent taxpayer money on robots to clean your house. Is that true?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I didn't spend money on robotic things. I spent money on video games. I'd play pulp position, we'd go beat, we'd go fast around the track, man, it was a good game.
ANDERSON COOPER: That's still corrupt then. Anyway, Mr. Cain, do you have anything to say to Congresswoman Bachmann?
HERMAN CAIN: Baby, your breath is killing' me. Nobody will take you if you don't stop stinking.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. Harsh. Congressman Ryan, you were recently poisoned by Steve-o while at a Starbucks in California when he poisoned all the donuts and had people eat them. However, you were somehow also in Wisconsin when this happened. Explain what happened please.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I went into a Starbucks building, and everyone started collapsing. I went to Steve-o and he said "Okay, you've slipped into the future. Ask about the special, because it's donut day."
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, what a sociopath. Governor Perry, you have criticized the President's plan to increase depraved, drug-induced anonymous sex, saying some people would get ugly mustached women. Do you have a personal story about that?
GOVERNOR PERRY: I had this girl who was too ugly to ride. And we were bitter. This princess in the mustache, one size fits all, everybody hook up…babe.
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm not sure that thought had a coherent conclusion, but alright. Congressman Paul, you have taken some heat for some racially charged newsletters your office sent out in the 80s and 90s, but you claim you had not seen them and you disavow them. However, you recently mentioned that the newsletters aren't a big deal because white people and black people joke about each other via technology all the time. Can you explain this concept and try not to offend any more people in the process?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: White men criticize black people over pagers, and uh…Mexicans'll take shoes.
(Ron Paul chuckles)
ANDERSON COOPER: That's not good. Speaker Gingrich, what have you heard from average Americans you meet on the campaign trail?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Last night I'm at the pub, just soakin' it in, and a midget comes in and he's messed up and he just wants us to come up with a plan of something.
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Senator Santorum, what is your policy on people wearing shoes in your house, specifically, women's shoes?
SENATOR SANTORUM: We got sixty-nine ankle shoes. No, no, no, not no DAMN banana shoe! Eleven hoes can't come in here and keep they shoes off, you know what the crowd says, we ALL homosexual!
ANDERSON COOPER: Um, that made absolutely no sense. Mr. Vice President, how's the temperature in here?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: It's hot.
ANDERSON COOPER: Sorry about that. Any way I can make it up to you? Besides turning up the AC I mean?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I'd like to eat po'boys and X-RAY your pinky.
ANDERSON COOPER: We don't have any po' boys, and also you don't need to X-RAY my pinky, I don't have to wear pinky rings anymore now that people know I'm gay.
VICE PRESIDENT: We can get a couple of the girls to give us some backdoor relief, it's not, it's not good…but it's tight.
ANDERSON COOPER: Um…wow, really inappropriate to announce your desire for women to finger your asshole in the middle of a nationally televised debate, Mr. Vice President. You are a dirty old man. Mr. President, how do you respond to Governor Perry's criticism of your anonymous drug-induced sex program and his personal story about banging an ugly chick in his Pinto, and who will Americans be getting to have sex with through this program?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Are you really drinking my bottled judgment? Y'all think I won't whip them Pintos, but the crowd is for your juicy waitress.
ANDERSON COOPER: I would like to bang a juicy waiter. Congresswoman Bachmann, what is your position on straight relationships?
MICHELLE BACHMANN: There, let's face it. Men judge us. But get a tattoo for only when you see their bum. Or when no one gets stuff like that Jennifer Lohan.
ANDEROSN COOPER: You either Jennifer Lopez or Lindsay Lohan and I don't really give a shit. Governor Romney, do you think Madonna would eat more if she had a wooden statue?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: If Madonna, had a wooden statue, she'd just, garble that sardine!
ANDERSON COOPER: Please, for once in your life, stick to that conviction. Herman Cain, egh-
HERMAN CAIN: Did you hear me?! I'm frustrated!
ANDERSON COOPER: No, I did not hear you, sir, I apologize. Anyway, what is the number one thing American should watch out for in your opinion?
HERMAN CAIN: Watch out for these spiders! Big potato mouths, big potato mouths. Achoo!
ANDERSON COOPER: Bless you. Congressman Ryan, about a year ago Jethro Franklin, the offensive line coach for the Miami Hurricanes, got you grapes, pears and a tattoo for your 41st birthday. Now he's wondering why you got him bananas for his 45th Birthday last October. Why?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: (He holds up an iPhone picture of himself in the bathroom preparing for a tattoo) This was before the tattoo. Jethro got me more grapes, because pears pissed me off less. Plus, bananas kind of suck. Seriously, they're not the best present.
ANDERSON COOPER: No kidding. What were you thinking? Anyway, Governor Perry, you have great taste in music, whether it be System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine, so I was wondering, can I borrow a CD from you every day?
GOVERNOR PERRY: You can borrow my CDs. Not one every day. You can try my Kwanzaa CDs. They're not your and you don't have to take any of them.
(The audience applauds)
ANDERSON COOPER: Why did people applaud that? Anyway, thanks, man, I'll pick up some CDs from you tomorrow. Congressman Paul, you don't believe in too much federal spending, but you want to build a zoo with national sales tax money. You also say you want to save on labor coss by building it all by yourself? How would this work considering you ar in your mid-70s?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: You can give me money, and I'll go make the zoo.
ANDERSON COOPER: Alright then. Speaker Gingrich, how did you meet your current wife?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: That girl was raawr! She tried on her frilly panties and just made so much wood.
ANDERSON COOPER: That's disgusting. Speaking of disgusting, Senator Santorum, you have said that you used to live a rough and tumble life before you found Christ. That you used to watch porn, swear, drink, vomit and surf with a young Hispanic woman. You said you used to travel to South America a lot to do these things. But then you say experiences with demonic forces disengaged you from that lifestyle, can you explain this in depth?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I used some porn, and I swore, and a weird witch gagged me. Um, my old burrito princess had a tee pee and we'd go vomit in two different food stairwells in the Americas, in between then we'd surf.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, Senator. Vice President Biden, you have been spotted taking vicodin with prostitutes in Washington D.C., but you seem to go back to your house really early, like, before the sun even sets, why?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: If I'm poppin' candy, from loose women, that can make someone tired. Like jumping in Cindy's fun barrel.
ANDERSON COOPER: Awful. President Obama, you have had a lot of support from women's advocacy groups including the National Association of Thick Spartan Women, who have praised your signing of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and things like that, however, you have also received a lot of opposition from African-American activist Marge Simpson, no relation to the cartoon character. (Laughter) She recently vandalized your posters. After that incident, do you think the jam between you and her has been resolved?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's why the thick Spartan women are so important. There was a black Marge Simpson in the house. She poured black paint over both my posters and went to my office to leave a photo. Crazy women before this airhead would cut me with an iPhone. She was crazy. So damaged, so sick. The jam was over. Cowboy. Think about it, because I do.
ANDERSON COOPER: Very telling. Congresswoman Bachmann, how would you describe your transformation in the House of Representatives?
MICHELLE BACHMANN: I went from being two banana plants to a thrill-seeing shark who sold pictures of different toys I wanted.
ANDERSON COOPER: The analogies are just way too complicated, Congresswoman. Governor Romney, you have been critical of Wynona Ryder's support of the Occupy Wall Street movement, saying she should not be writing and performing divisive protest songs, but stick to acting. Explain this please.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: We got Wynona Ryder out there pissing off people with a guitar. I mean, they're a bunch of punks!
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay then. Herman Cain, FOUR Hispanic advocacy groups have condemned your suggestion that we should electrify the border fence. Organizations like National Hispanic Group, International Latino Center, Mexicans Against Defamation, Latina League and National Hispanic coalition. And recently you suggested that we should outlaw the exportation of sugar to Mexico. What is your issue with Mexicans?
HERMAN CAIN: (Muttering) One, two, three, four. (Not muttering) That's five!
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh yeah.
HERMAN CAIN: Mexican people don't eat sugar, especially when it's a mixture of lice and tiger DNA.
ANDERSON COOPER: Just like momma used to make. Congressman Ryan, can we get a sneak preview of your band's first single? I heard your song is about your frustrations with your parents as a teenager when they asked you to do things you didn't want to do.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: (Holds up his band's first single) This is my band's first single and right now, you're getting a sneak preview. It's "Quench your Heartbeat". (Music starts playing and he begins singing) I don't want to move my food, I don't want to move the cat, I'll make a sandwich, I'll help a moose, jump on the pickle for your parents.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, I hated when my mom wanted me to move my food from upstairs down to the kitchen. Anyway, Governor Perry, what did you think of Seth Rogen's recent movie entitled "Cook, damnit, cook", in which he played a ne'er-do-well son who has to impress his parents with his cooking skills?
GOVERNOR PERRY: Phew, that movie sucked! The whole script was wrong, and Seth Rogen, he had to serve a big red duck. Man, he'd scalp a sentimental cripple. What a douche.
ANDERSON COOPER: Totally. I would not be surprised if Rogen scalped a cripple. Anyway, Congressman Paul, on your website you have listed thousands of books you have written. Some about ending the Federal Reserve, some about farming, some about leprechauns, some about gambling. Yet only a small percentage of these books listed actually exist. Why would you lie about this?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I have many fake books, since I'm a leprechaun farmer who's a gambler.
ANDERSON COOPER: Nice. Speaker Gingrich, what would it take for you to strip in front of everybody right now?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: I will strip for wild flowers. And a basket of peaches.
ANDERSON COOPER: Nobody give him those things. Senator Santorum, what is your underwear policy?
SENATOR SANTORUM: We all leave skidders.
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm going to stop you right there. Mr. Vice President, you were questioned at a caribou race about who you would choose to replace you if you had to back out of the Obama 2012 ticket. I ask you the same question.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I could pick one. Like that. Like, caribou races.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, that didn't answer my question. Anyway, Mr. President, what is your response to American's dissatisfaction with your vegetable-gathering healthy eating program? Because many drunk and angry people we questioned on the street said it's your fault it's not working.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: It doesn't matter if you're drunk or flipped out, the broccoli you and me gathered was good. I'll help you, and nothing against your voice, it just makes me sick. It's you, bitch.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, forceful. Anyway, (Anderson takes out a tuna sandwich and starts eating it) Congresswoman Bachmann, can we party after the debate?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: Of course there's no way in time for all of us to party, tuna face.
ANDERSON COOPER: (He swallows his food and laughs) Superb, Congresswoman. Governor Romney, you have been critical of the provision in ObamaCare that requires the government provide tampons for fish. You've talked to the President about this by whispering in his ear during a White House event. My question is, what is your opinion of the President's position on this issue and is it cold in here?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Now you got me whispering to a freak, who thinks that fish have menstrual cycles. I'm freezing out here, gotta get away, hey!
ANDERSON COOPER: Hey. Herman Cain, what is my stepchild's name?
HERMAN CAIN: …Ricky?
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes, good job. Congressman Ryan, a recent poll showed and increasing number of Americans are concerned about how the 70s have been over for 32 years, and those in the 49-56 age group are especially nostalgic for the long-gone 1970s decade. Being someone who was born in the early 70s, how would you address this as President or Vice President?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: The 70s are gone, baby, and it's hard for your friends that like gummy bears.
ANDERSON COOPER: Were gummy bears popular in the 70s or something? I mean, I don't know, the oldest I was in the 70s was twelve, I was much more of an eighties kid. Anyway, Governor Perry, if you were poor, how would you get food?
GOVERNOR PERRY: I bet you I could eat a grimy squirrel on a windshield. I'd fight a chicken with hands. A real chicken.
ANDERSON COOPER: Gotta do what you can, I guess. Congressman Paul, what is your favorite beverage?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Hoo ha! Cherry soda!
(He laughs very strangely)
ANDERSON COOPER: That was weird. (A strange noise is heard) Speaker Gingrich, what is your opinion on how the United States should handle Syrian genocide-
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Who rattled the fish? Tell the truth.
(Anderson Cooper holds up a fish)
ANDERSON COOPER: I rattled the fish, Mr. Speaker. I apologize. (He puts the fish away) Anyway, Mr. Speaker, your income tax plan would leave the federal government severely underfunded. How do you expect to increase revenue and does you realize everyone thinks you look like a giant old baby?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Let's jump people. Aw, man, if I borrowed a baby's doo rag, sure thing I'm going to get a reaction.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, probably. Senator Santorum, what are your favorite foods?
RICK SANTORUM: I live for donuts and venison. And that's true, and specialty gopher meat.
ANDERSON COOPER: Gross. Vice President Biden, what is your opinion on how we should deal with Syria-
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Is that Tammy Villanch? Dude, that's to' up. That's to' up.
ANDERSON COOPER: I don't know who Tammy Villanch is, but at any rate, Mr. President-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: You know, the hot tub is cool now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: But they poisoned it.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I know, right? How?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I know.
ANDERSON COOPER: Excuse me, we're having a debate, stop talking about how someone turned off the heater of the after-debate hot tub and then poisoned it, we have our best men on that situation. President Obama, what conclusion do you draw from the fact that Governor Romney made it rain at Bain capital, has a white wife and dislikes gays?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Governor Romney's black, I mean, uh, I think "black" can be judged-how do I do this?
ANDERSON COOPER: I'll come back to you next time around. Congresswoman Bachmann, it is your birthday today. Happy birthday. I also understand you're a fan of the song "journey" and you were very popular in high school. What will you do to protect Americans and how will you celebrate your birthday?
MICHELLE BACHMANN: I get to birthday fight all my high school and "Journey" freak friends. Because you know me, if you're in danger and odd-sized, count on me.
ANDERSON COOPER: I will. Governor Romney, I'm holding a party in your honor after the debate and I was wondering what was the name of that girl I liked that left my last party? I mean, I'm actually kind of bi, and I wanted her number, but she left early. Also, how late will you stay at my party?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Amy left your party. And I'm leaving at three to go pick apples.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, that's kind of shitty. Anyway, Herman Cain, you have said that robots run our government and that Obama's inoculation programs to prevent disease are bought and paid for by the fruit and bean lobby. What are the greatest threats facing America today and explain your position against inoculation.
HERMAN CAIN: Cowboys and anthrax. It's like needles come through grapes now and I refuse to rat 2,000 beans to build trust in these crazy cyborgs.
ANDERSON COOPER; Are you syphilitic, Mr. Cain? Anyway, Congressman Ryan-(Congressman Ryan's starts doing mad riffs on the guitar) Okay, we get it! You have a band! (He puts the guitar down) Congressman, you have been criticized for not caring about the plight of the poor enough, so I'll ask you this. French immigrants were hit especially hard by the great recession, because not only do they feel isolated amongst English-speaking people, but they cannot even afford food. How would you restore sustenance and company to French immigrants?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I want an extra donut for the lonely French family. I'll give them forty pieces while they're sipping their soda. And we'll sing "Chicago"!
ANDERSON COOPER: That's very nice of you, Congressman. I love that song. Governor Perry, you run into controversy two months ago when it was revealed you hunt at a place called "Niggerhead". That being said, I'm sure you have other hobbies. Where can one find you on an average Saturday night?
GOVERNOR PERRY: You can find me in Montreal. In a bitchin' arcade.
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, you mean Niggerhead Arcade? I love that place. Congressman Paul, you recently ran away from a campaign stop in Tulsa, leaving your supporters very confused and disappointed. Why?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I didn't run away, I got a sandwich. And you'd love it, I mean, I'm Ron Paul!
ANDERSON COOPER: I'm sure I would. Speaker Gingrich, if elected, (he starts sweating) would you have parties every night? Because John Mayer once said "Never get nervous before a Presidential party, because they help relieve stress, which helps the overall performance of the President".
SPEAKER GINGRICH: We'll have parties every night, 'kay? And how come you started dripping? Just what John Mayer said.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. (He wipes away sweat) Senator Santorum, you have said that you used to drink. Describe the first time you drank and how did you keep puke off your shoes after vomiting from drinking?
SENATOR SANTORUM: The first time I drank, I had my shoes under my arms, because I was so sick, I mean, so barftastic, I puked on the pizza.
ANDERSON COOPER: Jesus. Vice President Biden, you have been an advocate of women shaving their pubic hair but you are also an advocate of trimming vaginal hair until it looks like a beard. How do you reconcile these two seemingly irreconcilable policies?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I will be the first to shave a bush, but responsibly. That prickly pear just doesn't feel natural! (Applause) Remember, it never hurt to adapt a beard vagina!
ANDERSON COOPER: Really? That resonated? Anyway, Mr. President, you recently said that Governor Romney is black-
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I know he's black.
ANDERSON COOPER; Right, but recently a man in the lounge was murdered by a man who kept claiming that Romney was black, a man who also had a stuffed water buffalo in his office. The man who killed him had several aliases, including "Ahmed" and "The Mad Cow". But then, once the unknown assailant left, people who wanted that man dead started clapping, but then they were all paid off and told to keep their mouths shut about who did it. Ahmed, how did you know about who done it in the lounge?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I didn't know.
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, you didn't, oh well they started clapping! For the mad cow! Until someone sold him. And then when he died they had him stuffed! Like that water buffalo! Stuffed. Anyway, Congresswoman Bachmann, your support amongst the Jewish community is very limited, as well as your support among Hispanics and piranhas, even though you attended the Hispanic Piranha prom in 1974. How do you address this?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: The Hispanic piranha prom had one, Jew, person.
ANDERSON COOPER: Nice save. Governor Romney, some have complained about a smell emanating from your freezer backstage, I would calculate there is a 79.9% percent chance that the food in there has been in there since early November. Explain this please.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Are you a math dork? (He laughs) I had pork chops and beans, and I put it in the freezer and uh, it rotted after a month.
ANDERSON COOPER: I knew it. Anyway, Herman Cain, you have detailed what you are going to do policy-wise but the immortal community is wondering not only what you are going to do for them, but how are going to act in the White House, considering your sex scandal. Can you address them?
HERMAN CAIN: I'm going to dance, and make love and fix snacks for the highlander marathon, that's right!
(People cheer and applaud)
ANDERSON COOPER: A lot of highlanders here tonight. Congressman Ryan, I received an e-mail from my good friend Mitt Romney saying that he's disappointed you didn't get him what he wanted for his 64th birthday back in March. He said he's been wanting this present since November 2009. Why didn't you get him the present?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I hate when that happens. Mitt's brain stops. Let me tell you how the man's been going on for two years about a plastic bench.
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, you can always get him a plastic bench for his 65th birthday, I guess. Governor Perry, the Brady Campaign Against Gun Violence has criticized your ownership of a gun and National Aeronautics and Space Administration has criticized you for stowing away on one of their space ships and taking a free flight to space. How do you respond to both of these criticisms?
GOVERNOR PERRY: I'm proud of my gun. And I pooed in space.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, that's gross. I'm not going to ask you any more questions. Congressman Paul, what if you were elected, but the House was retaken by the Democrats and the Senate was kept by the Democrats? What would you say?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Everything's blue, baby. Quick, I want you to hide me.
ANDERSON COOPER: Very nice, Congressman. Speaker Gingrich, what is the saddest, yet, most inspiring story you've heard about our bad economy?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: A vagrant humped a tree, but figured out what kind of wood he liked to hold.
ANDERSON COOPER: Very inspiring. I know what kind of wood I liked to hold. Senator Santorum, what is your most inspiring story about your everyday life?
SENATOR SANTORUM: And this orange was just sitting there for me. For me to take it out at lunch and shave it's peel off.
ANDERSON COOPER: Not that inspiring. Vice President Biden, you have been a point guard on the shave or no shave debate, and now you're saying women with hairless vaginas should use coal to make it appear as if they have vaginal hair. Can you explain?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Look, listen, if it's not hairy, thanks Heavens it's not hairy. I forced fourteen models into coal abrasion.
ANDERSON COOPER: That's really weird. Hold on a second. (Anderson takes out a purple marker and starts drawing all over his face. Once he stops, he takes out an Irish labradoodle puppy) I just want to make my German stepchild Ricky laugh while he's watching at home. Hallo, Ricky! Ich freue mich über den Präsidenten der Vereinigten Staaten über das, was er denkt, Gouverneur Romney wird es besser machen als ihn zu fragen. Anyway, Ahmed, you recently lost some puppets you were going to bring to school children in Des Moines in a rainstorm. How did you lose the puppets and do you think Governor Romney would make the same mistake? Wait, why is there toxic waste under my desk labeled "Bain Capital"?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: In horrible weather, I sneeze and I just lose the puppets. I'm thinking Governor Romney won't do that, okay? And this has gotten me thinking…I see a purple, idiot. Speaks German, with a big spunky Irish labradoodle puppy.
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, he got me. (Indicates to Romney) And I want you to feel bad because I've got funny radiation coming up on my desk and it's too much! Congresswoman Bachmann, recently you were confronted by a homeless man who taunted you about your famous "fiesta food dance", rap skills and your habit of shitting yourself. What did he say exactly?
CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN: That hobo kept screaming "Save a bore. I want to see it. Do your raps. C'mon, silly lady, do that whole fiesta food dance! Jackpot, fishy p**py pants, you're going to wish you could buy me a tin cup for all these nickels! I'll get you!".
ANDERSON COOPER: That's scary. You shit yourself? Ugh, I'm not going to ask you any more questions. Governor Romney, you have called my mother fat. How can you defend these mean-spirited claims?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Your momma's pudgy. Face it.
ANDERSON COOPER: Fuck you, man. I thought you were my friend. Herman Cain, how would you be a better friend to me than Mitt? I want to feel better about myself.
HERMAN CAIN: If you want, let's watch Disney. It's like a time void, and will probably result in you thinkin' you an angel.
ANDERSON COOPER: Awesome. We will after the debate. Congressman Ryan, how do you think the United States should handle Syrian genocide?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: Okay, we've been told not to use the name "Steak Baby" anymore, so here are some other names we're considering. Porky Puff, Joy Nuts, Booty Reactions, Tree Pie, Slutnick, Brown Disease, Camel Sausage, Sailor Boar, Big Sweet Owl, Granny Chops, Thlack, Harpoon your Boyfriend.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, you've talked about your band for the last time. That's it. I'm not going to ask you any more questions.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: Ahh!
ANDERSON COOPER: Calm down, you're not even running yet. Congressman Paul, you've been against Obama-era regulations on how we serve our food, and you have said that President Obama's Hawaiian birth and upbringing makes him an elitist that thinks he knows better than the American people on how to serve food. Why do you believe Hawaiians are elitists?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Hawaiians think people are idiots. Because they serve peach cobbler and they do it all in a spit cup.
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, that is disgusting. Speaker Gingrich, you have been a proponent of military spending on sea animals trained to kill, submarine operators from impoverished countries and an operation to sneak across the Pakistani border to steal the food of the terrorists so they starve to death, an operation which you would call the "Merry Lunch Limbo". Can you explain this?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: I think it would be cool to get four porpoises, a wet Nigerian and do the merry lunch limbo, that'd be a badass mission.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, sir. Senator Santorum, you voted for the Senate version of Congressman Paul's proposal for a national zoo funded by a national salex tax when it passed the House in 2006 and went to the Senate. But you did not realize there was a provision in the Senate bill that would weaken economic sanctions on Iran, and yet you voted for it when the rest of the Republican Senate rejected it. Why did you not read the bill?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I was confused and I didn't want to have to decide to read words, the zoo was all I believed in.
ANDERSON COOPER: I see. Governor Romney, you recently talked about the problem of children in low-income areas going to prison instead of pursuing their dreams and you had an anecdote about a low-income boy whom you met who was very disrespectful to his mother and had a dream of one day avoiding prison and becoming a rap artist. What did you say to that child?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I said "Son, I don't want you to speak bad about your mamma. And he said, "Fuck prison. I'm a party rapper, that's how I am."
ANDERSON COOPER: Inspiring. I thought Mormons weren't supposed to curse, but anyway, Mr. Cain you have said that children have become overly sullen and combative and that they need to be taught discipline. In your book you outlined rules saying that parents shouldn't let their kids shoot rabbits, steal televisions, demand toys from singers or do household chores that adults should do. My question is, do your kids do these things or are you the type of parent that doesn't let them do that?
HERMAN CAIN: Look at me! Anybody shoot rabbits? Last night my son got the TV and now he's saying if I don't buy pretty Asian Barbies, off Abba, he'll wash the dishes!
ANDERSON COOPER: Why wouldn't you want him to wash the dishes? Oh, never mind. Congressman Ryan, I'm not asking you any more questions, so this question comes from my co-moderator, Martha Radditz.
(Martha Radditz pops up from behind the desk and sits down)
MARTHA RADDITZ: Congressman, Mr. Vice President, I want to know which one of you is sweet and which one of you is not. We not a kind soul in the Vice President or President's office, not a cold, calculating psychopath. I will make sure you guys fail the psychopath test by any means necessary. One of those means is finding out which one of you can seduce me the best. Okay, guys, as a professional, it's very important for both of you to keep in touch with me. I won't ask for your spleens, but I'm going to ask for your souls!
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I'm sweet. Made out of sugar and hormones, but this guy's made out of ice.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Oh yeah? What pretty eyes, what pretty eyes. Baby, my heart beats like a small one-handed stripper's leg one minute after winning a lottery.
MARTHA RADDITZ: Ooh, I like that.
ANDERSON COOPER: Point Biden when it comes to seducing Martha. We'll get back to that later. Congressman Paul, why did you use campaign funds to buy clothing from L.L. Bean?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I needed more money, and layers of L.L. Bean.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay. Speaker Gingrich, you have said that you are a Reaganite and you support him and his policies, but do you realize that Reagan presided over one of the largest tax hikes in American history when he encouraged Congress to close tax loopholes and do you realize he provided amnesty for illegal immigrants?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: I want to impeach Ronald Reagan.
ANDERSON COOPER: I think I just had an aneurism. Senator Santorum, what is your opinion on the genocide in Syria right now? (Cut to Senator Santorum, who is writing on his note pad) Senator?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I just want to practice soft Algebra please.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, I'll come back to you. After the next Gingrich question. Vice President Biden, you say shadowy corporations have a monopoly on zipper manufacturers and you advise women to not stare at men's zippers, can you explain?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Shadow lips. Are preserving the zipper and don't ever stare at the place a man zips. He'll think you're offering a funky munch.
ANDERSON COOPER: That's a really weird word for blowjob. Anyway our viewers, or as I call them "sofa bears", are probably pretty sick of this debate by now. I just hope they don't get off their sofas and bum rush the stage. Anyway, Governor Romney, you have ex