BROUGHT TO YOU BY HP®
Aired December 20, 2010
(We start with a huge cup falling from the sky and landing in
D.C., Los Angeles, New York, Atlanta, Chicago, Baghdad, Beijing
and a bunch of other places until it covers the whole Earth, and
the "CUPS NEWS" logo is formed on a map of the world. The cameras
then roll into a man in a suit at a news desk with flashy
graphics behind him holding papers.)
SEAN BYRNE: Hello, welcome to CUPS News, only on the NEO Network.
I am Sean Byrne and here are today's top stories.
(He turns to camera 2 and there is a picture of Russia and a
SEAN BYRNE: Congress is working up until the Christmas break to
try to pass a Nuclear Arms Treaty with Russia. Not only that, but
they passed a bill repealing the controversial "Don't Ask Don't
Tell" policy the military holds. So it seems that, for now,
homosexuals will not get their hands on Nuclear Weapons even if
we invade Russia. Thank the lord. To talk about this, please
welcome Catherine the Great and Lieutenant Dan Choi.
(Catherine the Great and Lieutenant Dan Choi come in and sit
SEAN BYRNE: Welcome, Catherine.
CATHERINE: It's a pleasure.
SEAN BYRNE: Yeah it is.
DAN CHOI: It's nice to be here as well.
SEAN BYRNE: Yeah, whatever. So Catherine, you have not been in
charge of Russia since, (Looks at paper.) 1796. Only several
years after the United States became a country. What do you think
about this nuclear arms treaty?
CATHERINE: Well, since you and your news buddies dug me from my
grave, brought me back to life with that mad scientist
Megatron-machine, and adjusted my genetic code to make me appear
thirty-three like I was at the beginning of my reign in 1762, I
have researched much about the great American Experiment, and I
have concluded that Russia is trustworthy and will abide by the
Nuclear Arms Treaty.
SEAN BYRNE: Right…you're so beautiful…
CATHERINE: I beg your pardon?
SEAN BYRNE: Nothing…anyway, Catherine, if you, such a beautiful,
smart, sensible, strong woman think it's the right thing to do,
then we should do it.
DAN CHOI: I'd like to say that I think the "Don't Ask Don't Tell"
repeal is wonderful and is a landmark for Civil Rights in the
United States. I was dishonorably discharged for my sexuality,
and I am glad America has finally realized that homosexuals do
not disrupt unit cohesions any more than heterosexuals.
SEAN BYRNE: Right, right. So Catherine, do you have a man?
CATHERINE: Oh, I had many lovers during my reign, but they're all
long dead now.
SEAN BYRNE: Oh, Jesus…(Smiles, sweats and pulls on his collar.)
Um, anyway, thank you two for joining us.
SEAN BYRNE: Anytime?
DAN CHOI: GODDAMNIT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? A MAJOR
CIVIL RIGHTS VICTORY HAS JUST BEEN WON AND YOUR FOCUSING ON THIS
RUSSIAN TRAMP WITH TITS THE SIZE OF…oh my god…I think I just
SEAN BYRNE: Right?
DAN CHOI: Yeah.
SEAN BYRNE: RIGHT? You know she's hot, you son of a bitch you!
DAN CHOI: YEAH, DUDE!
(They high five.)
SEAN BYRNE: Alright! Civil rights leader Dan Choi and Catherine
of Russia everyone!
(They shake hands with each other and leave.)
SEAN BYRNE: Man, that chick is awesome. Okay, anyway, more
stories. Infamous WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (A picture of
Assange appears next to him.) was released from prison recently,
and when he walked out, he was subjected to an impromptu
interview with a reporter, who asked him questions about the rape
allegations. When confronted with this, Assange stormed off,
calling him a "tabloid schmuck". In a later interview, he called
the rape allegations a "highly successful smear campaign". This
is the third time Assange has walked out on an interview. He
walked out on CNN's Atika Schubert when asked about these
allegations as well. At least Assange knows when some things are
SEAN BYRNE: To explain his behavior, please welcome, Julian
(Julian Assange walks in and sits down.)
SEAN BYRNE: Julian, are you a fan of rap?
JULIAN ASSANGE: Alright. (He takes out his mic.)
SEAN BYRNE: No, Julian, for Christ's sakes, I said "rap". "RAP".
JULIAN ASSANGE: Oh. Okay. (He puts his mic back in.) Right, well
no I am not a fan of rap. I don't get why you would think I am.
SEAN BYRNE: Just asking. So, why are you too much of a pussy to
answer questions about extremely flimsy rape allegations?
JULIAN ASSANGE: Okay. (He gets up, and takes out his mic.)
SEAN BYRNE: Julian, I said "Why are you too much of a pussy to
answer questions about extremely flimsy RAP allegations?"
JULIAN ASSANGE: Oh. (He puts it back in.) Well, like I said
before, I don't like rap.
SEAN BYRNE: Let's move on, WikiLeaks is very controversial, and
PayPal recently stopped taking contributions to WikiLeaks, which
caused a series of attacks on PayPal and MasterCard sites in an
internet mission called "OPERATON: PAYBACK". So my question is,
did you rape two women?
JULIAN ASSANGE: I am not a supporter of Operation Payback.
And-waitaminute…PISS OFF. (He takes out his mic and leaves.)
SEAN BYRNE: Julian Assange, ladies and gentleman. Moving on, the
Christmas season is upon us, and so is the end of 2010. So in an
effort to combine our BS "Christmas 2010" and "Five Biggest
Stories of 2010" segments, let's do the "FIVE HOTTEST GIFTS OF
2010 BASED OFF THE FIVE BIGGEST STORIES OF 2010" SEGMENT! Okay,
so let's get started with this BP Oil Disaster Lava Lamp!
(He pulls out a lava lamp with brown, squirting liquid inside.)
SEAN BYRNE: As you can see, this lamp illustrates how terrible
the disaster really was, and it makes an awesome conversation
speech. Be ready to be taken back to April 2010 with this baby!
They'll be excited to find that under the Christmas tree, as long
as they're not little people! Buy today. Next, we have a
wonderful collectible plate, which is a great stocking stuffer.
(pulls out collectible plate with John Boehner on it and the
inscription "NOVEMBER 2, 2010- STOP RIGHT THERE, CHANGE.")
SEAN BYRNE: Beautiful collectible plate will be a great
replacement for that retarded (Pulls out plate with Obama on it
and the inscription "NOVEMBER 4, 2008-CHANGE HAS COME") plate you
bought two years ago when people actually liked that guy. Now you
can remember the day that the republicans stomped all over hope
and change, and just said "No." to a Democratic House in the
112th congress. Forever celebrate the crushing of
President Barack Obama's dream, by purchasing the Boehner plate.
And if you don't, remember, you hate America. (The plate shines.)
There you go. This next gift is great to get grandmother in what
will probably be her last Christmas. This is the
(Pulls out a white box with a picture of a granny getting punched
in the stomach on it, with the words "HOME GRANDMA EUTHENASIA
KIT" plastered on the front.)
SEAN BYRNE: This was put in department stores recently, so that
people can experience the effects of the Health Care law that was
signed in March! Instead of having to pay the gas or the taxi to
go and mercy kill your grandmother, why not do it in your own
home? Well now you can with the Home Grandma Euthanasia Kit. Buy
today. Next up, the gift that will keep on giving. The fact that
Jerry Falwell is a dick. For a limited time, you can get
Falwell's infamous line, "Haitians made a deal with the devil to
get their independence and that is why they are having this
earthquake", embroidered on a petrified piece of human feces.
(He takes out a turd with that quote on it.)
SEAN BYRNE: This piece of crap is there for you to constantly
remind yourself how much of a piece of crap Jerry Falwell himself
is. It makes a great stocking stuffer! Actually, a stocking is a
little too classy for this. Put it in a gym sock and throw it in
your neighbor's trash can. That ought to do it. Available
wherever douchey quotes on pieces of crap are sold. Lastly, this
gift will be available soon, especially at the CIA Gift Shop. But
here's a sneak peek.
(He takes out a present with red wrapping paper and a bow.)
SEAN BYRNE: Let's shake it. (He shakes it, and something small
bounces around in there.) Could it be? (Shakes it some more.) IT
IS! (He pulls out a bloody severed white ear.) It's Julian
Assange's left ear! And for that big present you want for your
kids, get-(Takes out a bigger box and shakes it with a large
clomping.) his head! All of these gifts will really reflect what
a year it's been. And of course next year, there will be another
batch of idiots to make fun of. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New