OCCURRENCE SECTOR ONLY ON CUPS NEWS NETWORK
JANUARY 30, 2011
(Intro plays, zooms into Colton Mint on the Occurrence Sector set.)
COLTON MINT: Hello, and welcome back to The Occurrence Sector Sunday, wrapping up the week’s events. For the weekly wrap-up, let’s go to John Slidel in, “Remember This Week”.
(Remember this week graphic plays and the camera turns to John Slidel at a touch-screen.)
JOHN SLIDEL: Thank you, Colton. That’s right. It was a newsworthy week. The President’s State of the Union address drew both high praise and bold criticism, something that has never ever happened before, except for the last three-hundred and eight State of the Unions.
COLTON MINT: Absolutely, I don’t think that has happened since Bush’s 2008 State of the Union.
JOHN SLIDEL: Right. In the speech, the President highlighted his plan for America using a concept called “promises”. On Wednesday, I went to the street to ask people about this concept.
(Goes to video that says “JAN. 26 2011”)
JOHN SLIDEL: In The President’s speech, he promised that by 2015 there would be millions of electric cars on the road. Do you think this new concept of promising is an effective way to get things done?
WOMAN: Yeah, I really think if politicians promised more, more thing would get done.
(Cuts back to John.)
JOHN: That was my favorite clip. Another thing that happened this week, Rahm Emanuel was kicked off the ballot by the Illinois Supreme Court because he had not spent enough time in prison.
(Cuts to spokesman for the Supreme Court.)
SPOKESMAN: Mr. Emanuel has not met the 3-5 year requirement for Mayoral Candidates, so we will not accept him as one. To govern in this city, you have to have street cred. And he hasn’t gotten enough. Maybe if he stabbed a couple bitches we could accept him as a loophole, but he hasn’t.
JOHN: Today, the Court overturned this decision due to the fact Mr. Emanuel has given numerous handjobs for cigarettes. When told this, Emanuel released a statement saying quote, “Those motherfuckers better not fuck with my shit again”. Moving to international news, Egypt is apparently still a place. A country that was forgotten about thousands of years ago apparently has a government and citizens, and a President named Mubarak. We have our Foreign Affairs Correspondent Timothy Lochner in Cairo. Timothy?
(Timothy comes up in a split-screen. He’s standing in the urban part of Cairo.)
TIMOTHY: Hello, John.
JOHN: Timothy, from what I understand, President Hosni Mubarak is barely clinging onto power in Egypt right now as protestors defy curfew and protest his government, which is apparently very corrupt. So tell me, have you seen any mummies during your trip?
TIMOTHY: (Delay) Pardon?
TIMOTHY: (Delay) Um…no. But the situation here is-
JOHN: Okay thank you, Timothy.
(The box disappears.)
JOHN: Back to you Colton.
(Goes back to Colton.)
COLTON: Thanks, John. We’ve got some stories developing right now, and we’ll tell you about them, right after this.
CUPS NEWS’ OCCURRENCE SECTOR 5-10 PM SUNDAY-THURSDAY WITH COLTON MINT ONLY ON CUPS NEWS NETWORK: “NEWS THAT WORKS”
COLTON MINT: Welcome back. Today Former President George W. Bush announced that he would be opening a yogurt stand, and it appears not to be for any political or promotional reason. For more on this, we go to our Former Bush White House Correspondent Dan Leaf.
(The camera pans to Dan, who is sitting at the Occurrence table.)
COLTON: Dan, why is Former President Bush doing this?
DAN: I spoke with Bush over the phone earlier this morning, and I asked him if the yogurt stand benefited a charity, or a Washington think tank, or if it was to promote a new book or something, and he just kept saying it was because he wanted to, and it made him happy.
COLTON: Did you explain to him that his responsibility as an ex-president is to endlessly criticize the current administration and promote the causes of his lost presidency?
DAN: I attempted to, but he became frustrated and started blathering about “Free Yogurt Tuesdays”.
COLTON: Thank you, Dan.
DAN: You bet.
COLTON: We’ll have more on that later, but for now, we have some developments in the world of petty crime. According to the University of Petty Education, petty crime has been on the rise since 2008. Crimes like trespassing, loitering, littering, petty theft, public intoxication, simple assault and other lower crimes have been occurring more often. As you know, the Justice Department declared a war on petty theft in November, but that has not been able to smooth the upward curve. For more on this, we go to our Petty Correspondent Lance Chenshaw who is live in a neighborhood in San Antonio. Lance?
COLTON: Any petty theft happening?
LANCE: Uh, I saw some kids hanging out at a park that closes at 8 PM.
COLTON: That’s trespassing, did you report it?
COLTON: GODDAMNIT LANCE! Ugh…sorry. I didn’t mean to fly off the handle, I just…hate petty theft.
LANCE: Right. Can I go home now?
COLTON: No. Thank you Lance.
COLTON: Moving on, the DEA is cracking down on pleasure as of this afternoon, where a press conference occurred in which, Deputy Drug Enforcement Agency Director Michael Leachman outlined his plan to end all happiness in the United States, calling it “the most dangerous drug of all”.
(Cut to footage of the press conference.)
MICHAEL: Today, the Drug Enforcement Agency will begin to crack down on the tantalizing happiness drug. This metaphorical drug can cause people extreme giddiness, which can make them focus less on their job and more on their family, and also cause them to have reasonable amounts of sex. It can also annoy the living shit out of miserable people like me.
COLTON: This new measure would entail the launching of DEA Happiness Patrol, which will looks for signs of happiness on street corners, such as smiling, laughing, smirking, exercising and socializing. If these people are proven happy in a court of law, they will be pumped with alcohol and depressants and be put in the newly established “Michael Leachman Happiness Correction Center”. What great news. I mean…I’m sad about that. Or…I’m not? Aw, whatever. Moving on to some happier news, a young girl in Detroit, Michigan was heroically kidnapped by a masked assailant earlier this morning. This brave man took the girl by throwing her into a white van outside of her family’s dilapidated apartment building, likely in an effort to rescue the 16-year old from the hell on Earth that is Detroit, Michigan. Her father, a former Auto manufacturer spoke to reporters earlier today.
(Cut to footage of a distraught man being interviewed by reporters.)
MAN: All I want…is my little girl back. She’s everything to me…we’ve lived in Detroit all our lives...and now that she’s gone I just want to…come with her.
COLTON: A woman in the neighboring city of Warren told one of our reports that she saw, quote, “A very excited girl and a creepy-looking guy going into a 7-Eleven joking with one another.” This is how we know she has officially exited the disgraceful land of unemployment and broken infrastructure that sits near Lake Erie. Despite, the man’s heroic nature, kidnapping is still technically a crime, and Detroit Police are reluctantly searching for the man. If you see a man who is 5’10 with brown, long hair, missing teeth, black sweat pants and an Affliction T-Shirt with a 16-year old girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, give him a complement, a pat on the back and a place to hide. We’ll be right back with CUPS News Network’s Occurrence Sector in just a moment.
CUPS NEWS NETWORK’S SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW “HOLD THE PRESSES” SINCE 1546
CUPS NEWS: “NEWS THAT WORKS”
COLTON MINT: Welcome back to the Sector. Some more occurrences are coming in as we speak. According to the AP, numerous women across California have checked into Charlie Sheen after he checked into rehab yesterday. We’ll have more on that tomorrow on CUPS News Network’s entertainment show, “Entertainment Fix” in their segment, “Mainline this shit into your FUCKING Veins”. That’s “Entertainment Fix”, Sunday-Wednesday, 2-3 PM. But moving on now to a more pressing story, three teenagers at a mall in Oklahoma City are currently debating whether or not to approach two fourteen, or maybe fifteen year old girls who are standing alone texting near the Banana Republic.
(Footage of the girls is shown.)
COLTON MINT The debate started at around 5: 34 Central time, and has raged on for several minutes. The teenagers are named Brandon Lotus, Shane Brown and Ryan Hemmer. The girls however, have not been identified, although one of them might be that chick Lisa who attends Del City High School. Our Oklahoma City Affiliate CPSU 12 Oklahoma City sent their lowly reporter just out of the College for the Journalistic Arts, Kevin Jeffers to the scene.
(Cut to Kevin interviewing the three kids.)
SHANE: I want to talk to them, but it’d be kind of weird to just fuckin’ walk up to them, right?
RYAN: Dude, they’re not even hot.
SHANE: Yes they are.
BRANDON: We got to let them come to us, bro.
(Cuts back to Colton.)
COLTON: It is unclear at this point if the three boys will ever grow a pair of testicles. For our weather report, let’s go to meteorologist Phil Worth. Phil?
(Cut to Phil at the international weather map.)
PHIL: Thank you, Colton. The seven-day forecast for where this studio is, in Dallas, is that it will be nice and sunny on Sunday, about 63 degrees, and on Monday it’ll be partially cloudy with 45 degrees, and on Tuesday, fire will rain from the sky, and it’ll be about 250 degrees with a high of 380. On Wednesday, it will be negative 48 degrees with a high of 20 degrees, and massive tentacles will emerge from the sky and destroy the Dallas World Trade Center, and then use its powerful Death-Ray to kill all 22 million people in the entire state of Texas. On Thursday, It will be cloudy with a chance of light precipitation.
COLTON: That’s Texas weather for you. (Chuckles.)
PHIL: (Chuckles) Yes, indeed. We have a saying here, “Don’t like the weather in Texas? Wait an hour! And then be zapped to death by an enormous tentacle!” Anyway, Los Angeles will experience a season called “Winter” this week with temperatures going as low as 52 degrees. It will also be partially cloudy. We are getting “iMatter” reports from viewers in LA, with Kathy from the San Fernando Valley writing, “What the hell is this? It feels as if the air is…whatever the opposite of warm is.” And Jack from Hollywood saying, “I’m scared.” Hang in there, Los Angeles. Back to you, Colton.
(Pans back to Colton.)
COLTON: Thank you, Phil. The United States Congress has for years refused to give reparations for the descendants for slavery, genocide and other types of atrocities it has committed, but there has seemingly been a big turn-around. The House passed HR 1567 today, known as the “Janet Jackson Bare Breast Reparations Act of 2011”. This bill would give one million dollars to the 89 million households that viewed the live 2004 Super Bowl halftime footage, where Janet Jackson’s almost bare breast was shown for half a second, after Justin Timberlake pulled off her brassiere. The bill has unanimous support, but House Majority Whip Eric Cantor expressed concern, saying quote,
“Although I do feel for the nearly 100 million television viewers who were forced to witness a spit second of almost bare nudity on network television, spending 89 million dollars would add to our federal budget deficit in a way I do not believe is favorable.”
- Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA), January 30, 2011
COLTON: Cantor quickly reneged on this belief however, after drawing heavy criticism from House Speaker John Boehner, President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and the rest of Congress. In a press conference, RNC Spokesman David Felton further promoted the bill.
(Cut to the press conference.)
DAVID FELTON: The Republican Stance is that, the 89 million people who witnessed nearly bare-cleavage in the blink of an eye on CBS seven years ago, they need money so they can get over the emotional trauma and move on with their lives.
REPORTER: Mister Felton, would you consider perhaps promoting a bill to provide reparations to the nearly 700,000 people who are exposed to bare breasts every week on the Showtime program “Californication”?
DAVID FELTON: …What the fuck are you talking about?
(Cut back to Colton.)
COLTON: The bill is expected to pass the Senate and have the President’s signature by Thursday. Well, that’s all for The Occurrence Sector tonight, see you at 5pm tomorrow. Remember, occurrence happens. Good night.
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