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The Donahues Episode 1

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Ethan and Kimberly plan a Spring Break trip that is begrudged by Ryan, Jacob and Madeline, however, they end up meeting Mitt Romney and having dinner at Hansbay Mayor Sarandon’s mansion, much to their enjoyment


Submitted:May 28, 2012    Reads: 75    Comments: 4    Likes: 2   


THE DONAHUES

"THE POLITICS OF SPRING BREAK"

TV-MA LS

"The left wing or the right wing? I prefer my plane to have both."

  • Unknown

(We start with Ethan, who is a tall, tanned man with black hair, in the kitchen with Kimberly, who is a skinny, average sized woman with long brown hair. sitting down at the dinner table.)

ETHAN: Honey, let's go on a Spring Break trip. We can't do another Spring Break dinner here, considering Ryan ditched the dinner last year.

KIMBERLY: Good point, if we have it somewhere else, than he has no choice but to join us.

ETHAN: Exactly. He always has the excuse that no one else has Spring Break dinners.

KIMBERLY: Yeah. So, where should we go? Statue of Liberty? The Grand Canyon?

ETHAN: Um, I was thinking-

KIMBERLY: The Liberty Bell, Mount Rushmore,

ETHAN: Yeah, I was thinking more local and rustic. I would love to see the world's biggest shoe in Canyon Falls, Vermont. Oh, and the world's smallest shoe in Elkhart, Delaware.

KIMBERLY: …Why?

ETHAN: Well, I travel to the places you described for my job all the time, so why don't we go somewhere little known, but still extra special?

KIMBERLY: I don't know if the kids will be thrilled about seeing the world's largest shoe. How big is it?

ETHAN: Nine feet tall. You could put an average-sized man on top of Shaquille O'Neil and that'd be about as tall as what we're talking.

KIMBERLY: It's just a big shoe, what's the big deal?

ETHAN: JUST a big shoe? Innovation is what makes America great, and we need to hold onto it while we still have it, because President Obama is trying to take it away from us.

KIMBERLY: Large footwear is not innovation, it's a tourist trap.

ETHAN: No, it is not a transvestite who happens to be a tourist; it is America at its finest.

KIMBERLY: I don't know if Jacob, Ryan and Madeline will be too thrilled about this.

ETHAN: Well, they'll love the world's smallest shoe. It's two inches wide.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that sounds boring as well. Plus, where are we going to havespring breakdinner?

ETHAN: The Mayor has a place in the Hamptons, it is gorgeous. He invited me over.

KIMBERLY: Wow. So can we go see real attractions and then go to your boss' place in the Hamptons?

ETHAN: NO! IT'S BIG SHOE, SMALL SHOE, OR NOTHING!

(Kimberly's eyes widen.)

KIMBERLY: …Fine.

(Cut to Ryan, who is a scene/emo kid with long, black straightened hair, multiple bracelets, black super skinny jeans and a Devil's Niece t-shirt, listening to music on the couch upstairs while Jacob, who is an average-sized kid with dirty blonde hair and a light blue local restaurant t-shirt and athletic shorts plays COD on XBOX live.)

JACOB: Goddamnit, Clarence, I'm getting raped, here.

(Ethan walks in, causing Jacob to quickly turn off the television and Ryan to pull out his headphones.)

ETHAN: I heard someone say "raped" in here.

JACOB: Um…my friend got raped.

RYAN: Yep.

ETHAN: Jesus, I'm so sorry about that.

JACOB: Yeah, it's-uh, it's a tragedy.

ETHAN: Yeah. Anyway, you two are going to be ecstatic when I say this news.

JACOB: Really?

ETHAN: Yes. First, get your sister out here.

JACOB: MADELINE!

(Madeline, a skinny girl with blonde hair, a blue and white striped sweater and denim blue skinny jeans emerges from her room.)

MADELINE: (Begrudgingly) What? Oh, hi daddy!

ETHAN: Hello, precious. Listen, everyone. I'm going to tell you something, now sit down!

(Ryan and Jacob remain seated while Madeline sits in a nearby chair.)

ETHAN: We're going on a Spring Break trip!

RYAN: But dad, Brennan and I were going to go to the mall and-

ETHAN: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO HANG OUT WITH THAT FAGGOT BRENNAN?

RYAN: Plenty of times, but you call me a faggot frequently, so wouldn't it be logical that I hang out with people you also consider faggots?

ETHAN: Ryan. Listen. What's good is that we are going to go somewhere as a family.

JACOB: Well, where are we going? The Grand Canyon? The Statue of Liberty?

ETHAN: NO! We're going to the World's Biggest Shoe in Canyon Falls, Vermont and the World's Smallest Shoe in Elkhart, Delaware.

(Stunned silence)

RYAN: Are you fucking kidding me?

JACOB: Shoes that are either larger or smaller than usual? That's our vacation?

ETHAN: If you want, we could also see the World's Largest sock in Madison.

JACOB: NO! We want to go to the Statue of Liberty!

MADELINE: Sorry, daddy, but I agree with them.

ETHAN: Pumpkin, trust me. You're going to be blown away by how small these shoes are. You could hold them in your hand!

RYAN: You can hold regular sized shoes in your hand!

JACOB: Dad, what are we going to do AFTER we appease some Mayor trying to stimulate his economy by constructing random bullshit in his town?

ETHAN: After that we are going to have dinner at the Mayor's winter home in the Hamptons.

RYAN: Well that sounds nice. How big is it?

ETHAN: Huge. He has twelve bathrooms, nine living rooms, six computer rooms, three home theatres and a storage closet.

RYAN: Just one?

ETHAN: Who needs two storage closets?

MADELINE: I'm pretty sure we have like, three.

ETHAN: Pack your bags; we're going to go today.

JACOB: Goddamnit…

ETHAN: Jacob, stay golden.

JACOB: Thanks, dad. We're going to win state this year.

ETHAN: Absolutely. Madeline, keep being precious, alright, sweetie?

MADELINE: Okay, daddy!

ETHAN: Ryan, you're a faggot!

(Ethan leaves, and Madeline and Jacob look over at Ryan.)

RYAN: …I hate my life.

(Ryan leaves, much to Jacob and Madeline's delight. Cut to the car. Ethan is driving with Kimberly in the passenger's seat, and Madeline, Jacob and Ryan in the back seat.)

ETHAN: Okay, guys. I'm trying to find the directions here…

KIMBERLY: Just use the Global Positioning System.

ETHAN: The what?

KIMBERLY: The GPS.

ETHAN: Oh, okay. GPS, where is 1141 Killington Drive?

GPS: 741 Livingston Drive is in fifteen hundred miles.

ETHAN: No, 1141 KILLINGTON Drive!

GPS: 742 Killing men court is in thirteen miles.

ETHAN: Jesus God, 1141 KILLINGTON DRIVE!

GPS: 891 Killing Lincoln drive is in four miles.

KIMBERLY: Why would there be a street named that?

ETHAN: I don't know.

RYAN: This trip already sucks.

JACOB: You already suck.

ETHAN: Just shut up back there. Listen, we're not going to depend on the GPS. Screw the Jew PS.

RYAN: Wow that was anti-Semitic.

ETHAN: I'm going to use my extraordinary wit and guile to traverse the roads of the greatest country on Earth.

JACOB: We're going to get lost.

ETHAN: Not on my watch.

RYAN: We ended up sleeping for four days in the attic of a convenience store owned by a convicted child molester during a snow storm on your watch.

ETHAN: That was your fault, Ryan.

RYAN: How?

ETHAN: Let's not play the blame game here!

(Cut to the family in the car somewhere in Delaware, hours later. Ryan is asleep listening to his iPod, Jacob is asleep, Kimberly is asleep, Ethan is driving and Madeline is wide awake, thinking.)

ETHAN: Holy crap.

(Kimberly wakes up.)

KIMBERLY: What?

ETHAN: It's a Mitt Romney campaign stop! Sweet!

RYAN: Andy…Andy Sixx….what?

(Ryan wakes up, along with Jacob.)

JACOB: Mitt Romney?

(They park and get out, tosee Mitt Romney speaking to supporters on a stage, wearing cackies and a blue shirt with no tie and rolled up sleeves.)

MITT ROMNEY: President Obama doesn't understand what he has done to this country. Let's make him understand!

(Applause and cheers)

MITT ROMNEY: His disastrous healthcare program needs to be stopped, his excessive regulations burdening our businesses need to stop, and this class warfare needs to stop!

(Applause and cheers)

ETHAN: Woo! Yay!

KIMBERLY: Class warfare? Is raising their taxes by a few points really class warfare?

ETHAN: Yes!

RYAN: This guy makes no sense.

ETHAN: No, he's our next President, that's who he is!

RYAN: I didn't say he was anything, I just said he makes no sense.

MITT ROMNEY: President Obama thinks his Washington Bureaucrats can handle decisions better than the American people, and he's wrong!

(Applause)

MITT ROMNEY: He's trying to bring European-style social Democracy to this country, and look how well it's worked over there!

(Applause and laughter)

ETHAN: YEAH! FUCK THAT GUY!

RYAN: Yeah, screw Europe with its high insured rate and high pay and benefits.

ETHAN: See, Ryan, now you're getting it!

RYAN: I was being sarcastic, dad.

ETHAN: Oh. Well now you're a faggot again.

RYAN: (Rolls eyes)

MITT ROMNEY: President Obama thinks this America is just any other nation. I think America is an exceptional nation!

(Applause)

JACOB: Yeah, President Obama doesn't love America! He's a Democrat!

ETHAN: Exactly!

KIMBERLY: He ran to be the President of this nation, how could he not love it?

ETHAN: He wants to destroy it!

(Ryan facepalms.)

MITT ROMNEY: President Obama's re-election strategy is to attack me, divide the nation and blame President Bush!

(Applause)

RYAN: Yeah, as opposed to Republicans, who don't want to divide the nation, they just hate-

MITT ROMNEY: Union bosses, homosexuals, liberals, socialists, progressives, lesbians, environmentalists, bisexuals, Muslims, pro-abortion advocates, ACLU lawyers, Democrats, Hollywood, professors, Occupy Wall Street, Code Pink, feminists, 9/11 widows, elitists, atheists, agnostics, the poor, National Public Radio, illegal immigrants, stoners, communists, Marxists, Leninists, NAACP lawyers, GLAAD lawyers, liberal activist judges, anti-war activists, MSNBC, The New York Times, vegetarians, vegans, Rastafarians, welfare queens and medical marijuana beneficiaries!

RYAN: …Right. That's about half the country.

ETHAN: Yeah, and half the country are assholes!

KIMBERLY: That's not dividing the country?

ETHAN: Well it's dividing the country against union bosses, homosexuals, liberals, socialists, progressives, lesbians, environmentalists, bisexuals, Muslims, pro-abortion advocates, ACLU lawyers, Democrats, Hollywood, professors, Occupy Wall Street, Code Pink, feminists, 9/11 widows, elitists, atheists, agnostics, the poor, National Public Radio, illegal immigrants, stoners, communists, Marxists, Leninists, NAACP lawyers, GLAAD lawyers, liberal activist judges, anti-war activists, MSNBC, The New York Times, vegetarians, vegans, Rastafarians, welfare queens and medical marijuana beneficiaries, so in my mind, it is just.

RYAN: Can we go?

MITT ROMNEY: Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America!

(Mitt Romney waves to the cheering crowd, and steps down from the stage and starts walking while shaking hands; he comes to Ethan, Ryan, Jacob and Kimberly.)

ETHAN: Sir, I think you are brilliant; you will be our next President!

MITT ROMNEY: I thank you, I appreciate it.

RYAN: Hey, Governor Romney, if you and Rick Santorum got into a fight, who would win?

MITT ROMNEY: (Laughs) I think Senator Santorum might win, but the nomination's a different story.

RYAN: Yeah, Senator Santorum would have your balls as his trophy.

ETHAN: Shut up, Ryan. Listen, Governor Romney, my friend and boss Mayor Brian Sarandon of Hansbay, Vermont are going to have dinner with us at his mansion in the Hamptons.

MITT: Oh, really? I'm friends with Mayor Sarandon, I'll be there.

ETHAN: Perfect, Governor. Thank you.

(Romney shakes hands with Ethan, Jacob, Ryan, Madeline and Kimberly before submerging himself into his limousine.)

ETHAN: ROMNEY! ROMNEY!

(The crowd chants Romney over and over again. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline, Jacob and Ryan back in the car, driving an hour later.)

ETHAN: The man's hands are so soft; he must use kick-ass moisturizer.

JACOB: I don't think I've ever heard moisturizer described as "kick-ass" before.

RYAN: Dad, he probably has his every whim tended to, the price of his haircut could probably pay down our national debt.

ETHAN: He looks like he could seduce a convent of women into making love to him.

KIMBERLY: He's a Mormon, he probably has.

ETHAN: Whatever.

RYAN: Can we stop talking about Mitt Romney?

ETHAN: Fine, fine. (Long pause) His breath smells amazing-

(Everybody groans. Cut to the World's Largest Shoe in the middle of a field. The Donahues are standing in front of it. It is a nine-foot tall pink all-star shoe. A hick in overalls is standing next to it proudly.)

RYAN: I feel violated by how boring this is.

ETHAN: Have some respect!

HICK: I dun wuz good goddamn work at dis here.

JACOB: …Was that a sentence?

ETHAN: What's your name, smelly sir?

HICK: I dun wuz good goddamn Steve.

RYAN: Does every sentence have to start with "I dun wuz good goddamn"?

ETHAN: It's basically a law here.

STEVE: You folks don't know a good goddamn 'bout nothin'.

RYAN: Yeah, we're not very familiar with nothing.

MADELINE: Could we go?

ETHAN: Go where? To the world's smallest shoe?

MADELINE: No.

KIMBERLY: Can't we just go to Mayor Sarandon's mansion?

RYAN: Yeah, Governor Romney is probably getting impatient.

ETHAN: That dinner is not for hours.

RYAN: How long does it take to get to the Hamptons from Canyon Falls?

ETHAN: Fine. We'll go now.

(Cut to Ethan, Ryan, Madeline, Jacob and Kimberly in the car.)

JACOB: Oh! I know! Let's play twenty questions.

RYAN: Fine. I'll go. (Pause) I have one.

JACOB: Okay, is it a human?

RYAN: Yes.

JACOB: Are they a man?

RYAN: Yes.

JACOB: Is he part of some shitty emo band?

RYAN: No. Not shitty.

JACOB: Why do you do this?

RYAN: Just keep asking.

JACOB: Uggh…is it Andy Sixx?

RYAN: No.

JACOB: Is it Llord Fontrangle?

RYAN: Naw.

JACOB: I'm not going to ask any more questions.

RYAN: Jesus, it's Mallart Bond from Devil's Niece, how do you not know that?

JACOB: I'd say the vast majority of everyone does not know who that is. Also, who the fuck names their kid Mallart?

RYAN: Well, he was born Rabbi Dean Kloslowitskibergsteinowitzstein, but he changed his name to Datal Bartham in 2010.

JACOB: So many things to pick up on there, first off, he was born a rabbi?

RYAN: No, his name was Rabbi.

JACOB: He has the Jewiest name I've ever heard, where did he get Datal Bartham?

RYAN: It sounds cool.

JACOB: Also, you said his name is Mallart Bond, not Datal Bartham.

RYAN: Yeah, well he left Wooden Heart in 2010 because Dixel Beff was injecting heroin into his penile glands,

JACOB: Christ.

RYAN: So he formed Forever Bled in August 2011 before they broke up because of Larnd Hathaway's soap overdose, so now he changed his name to Mallart Bond and formed Devil's Niece with his emo half-brother who worked at a Burger King and that chick from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

JACOB: Oh, the chick with the lip ring who got raped by the welfare agent?

RYAN: No, she was an extra in the city scene; she's holding a bag of groceries.

JACOB: Why would you refer to her like that then? Ugh, never mind. I don't want to play twenty questions anymore.

RYAN: I win.

(Cut to Ethan's car driving up to Mayor Sarandon's mansion. Everyone steps out as Governor Romney and Mayor Sarandon exit the house to greet them. Mayor Sarandon is a middle-aged, portly white man with thinning hair and a nice suit.)

MAYOR BRIAN SARANDON: Hey, Ethan! How ya doin' you son of a bitch?

ETHAN: I'm doing great!

(They hug, and Governor Romney comes over to greet him)

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Nice to see you again, Ethan.

(They shake hands)

ETHAN: It's an honor, sir. Here are my children; you may have seen them earlier.

ROMNEY: Yes I did, but I would like to learn their names.

BRIAN: Well, we have a big dinner inside; everyone will be introduced in there.

(Cut to all of them sitting at a large table in a vast room)

ETHAN: So, Governor, this is my wife, Kimberly.

ROMNEY: Hello, Kimberly, it's a pleasure.

KIMBERLY: Likewise, Governor.

ETHAN: Governor, this is my kid Jacob.

JACOB: Hello, Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you.

ROMNEY: You as well, It looks like he's a strong one.

ETHAN: Yes he is. Jacob, we're going to win state this year.

JACOB: Yes, we're going to win state this year.

ETHAN: Gonna win state!

ROMNEY: What do you like to do, Jacob?

JACOB: Well…

(Cut to Jacob drinking Jack in the woods with some friends who are smoking cigarettes, then cut back)

JACOB: Sports mostly.

ROMNEY: Good, practice makes perfect. Who is this young lady?

ETHAN: This is my daughter Madeline, she is precious.

ROMNEY: Oh, hello, Madeline. How are you?

MADELINE: I'm great, Governor, it's nice to meet you.

ETHAN: She is so talented.

ROMNEY: Oh, really, what is she involved with?

ETHAN: Uh…

(Cut to Madeline having intense vaginal sex with a young man in a bedroom, then cut back)

ETHAN: She has a lot of friends.

ROMNEY: Well, those are important.

MADELINE: Yes they are.

ROMNEY: And who is this?

ETHAN: Oh, this is Ryan.

RYAN: Hello, Governor.

ROMNEY: Hi, Ryan. What do you like to do?

RYAN: Yeah, um…

(Cut to Ryan hanging out with emo kids in his room listening to music, then cut to him cutting himself with a razor, then cut to him drinking cough syrup and taking ecstasy with his friends Brennan and Sarah, then cut back.)

RYAN: You know, I like listening to music, hanging out with friends-

ETHAN: Yeah, if you can call Brennan and Sarah "friends".

ROMNEY: What do you mean by that, Ethan?

ETHAN: Well, Brennan's just as faggy as Ryan is.

ROMNEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get carried away here.

MAYOR SARANDON: Please Ethan; I don't want a family feud.

KIMBERLY: Yes, just calm down, Ethan.

ETHAN: Alright, I'm just saying, Jesus.

(Ethan takes a sip of drink as people uncomfortably adjust their positions in their chairs)

ROMNEY: Well, the weather is beautiful. Great day to campaign.

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, absolutely. Governor, I heard you had your 65th birthday recently, Happy Birthday.

ROMNEY: Thank you.

ETHAN: I heard your opting out of Medicare. Good for you, that big government entitlement makes this country a bit closer to communist Russia, HA!

ROMNEY: Actually, I support Medicare.

RYAN: But isn't that socialized medicine?

ROMNEY: Yeah, but it's an option; you don't have to do it, like President Obama's socialist individual mandate.

RYAN: Do you support the public option?

ROMNEY: Of course not, that's a Marxist leftist socialist communist pile of bull honkey.

RYAN: Bull what?

ROMNEY: Honkey.

RYAN: Right, Mormons can't curse, um, Governor, what is the difference between Medicare and the public option despite the fact that one is for those above sixty-five and the public option is for everybody?

ROMNEY: Well…(clears throat) Jacob, how is sports?

JACOB: Oh, it's great. We're going to win state this year.

ETHAN: Gonna win state!

RYAN: Does anybody know what that even means?

JACOB: Yeah, I'm not even sure if there is a statewide competition.

KIMBERLY: Well, whatever the case may be, I say we eat!

BRIAN: I concur. FABBY!

(A butler comes in wearing a tuxedo)

FABIO: Yes Mister Mayor?

BRIAN: Bring us the bounty.

FABIO: Yes, Mayor.

(He exits.)

MADELINE: You call him Fabby?

BRIAN: Yes, his name is actually Fabio, but you know.

MADELINE: No, I don't.

ROMNEY: He's a terrific butler. My butler has nowhere near that good a posture. Or tan.

(Brian leans forward)

BRIAN: Let me tell you something, Governor. Fabby has the best posture in the whole goddamn country.

RYAN: That's a weird thing to brag about.

(Fabby comes out with the food, and places it on the table. Everybody except Ryan and Madeline begin to pick out their foods and bring them to their plates.)

ETHAN: Why aren't you two having anything?

MADELINE: Oh, Ryan and I have made pledges not to eat in front of other people.

RYAN: Yeah, it's weird to eat in front of other people.

MADELINE: It's weird.

KIMBERLY: Are you kidding me? People eat in front of each other every single day; they've done it since the dawn of time.

ETHAN: The dawn of man, at least.

ROMNEY: Yeah, plus, that severely limits how much food you can take in.

RYAN: We're steadfast in our commitment to this. Right, Madeline?

MADELINE: Right.

(They embrace each other and then release after a few seconds.)

BRIAN: I'm not sure whether to be touched or appalled.

KIMBERLY: It's amazing, Mr. Mayor, they bicker and fight over everything, yet, they are united in this strange pact.

ETHAN: You two are going to have to eat, you're like fucking rails, plus, it's not fair to Mayor Sarandon who prepared this delicious meal.

MADELINE: Well, we can't eat in front of others, but we can drink in front of them, so I can have some of your home-made sweet tea.

(She pours herself a glass.)

BRIAN: Well that's good. And you, Ryan?

RYAN: Oh, when it comes to liquids, I'm strictly on a diet of Monster and Mountain Dew. Does your wife Susan have any of those?

BRIAN: My wife's name is not Susan and she's dead.

RYAN: …Jesus. I apologize, sir.

BRIAN: It's alright. Anyway, we don't have any Mountain Dews or Monsters, plus that diet sounds incredibly unhealthy.

RYAN: Hey, I've got my whole life ahead of me, right?

BRIAN: How is that a justification for your diet? If anything it just strengthens my point.

ETHAN: Oh my god, just let Ryan be in his faggot ways, whatever.

BRIAN: Fine.

ROMNEY: What's that on your shirt, Ryan? Devil's Niece?

RYAN: Governor, it's an awesome band called Devil's Niece, on my shirt there is a pale girl in drab clothing with dark hair giving a creepy stare, and as you can see she is surrounded by hell fire and there are horns slowly but surely emerging from her scalp. It's the best band ever, I have all their songs and-

ETHAN: STOP. Why did you even ask, Governor?

ROMNEY: I don't know.

(Cut to later in the sitting room of the mansion. Mayor Sarandon, Governor Romney and Ethan are sitting in three chairs adjacent to each other, drinking scotch while Jacob, Ryan and Madeline are on the couch.)

ROMNEY: You know, I bet you they're going to bring back Chuck.

RYAN: How much do you bet, Governor? Ten thousand bucks?

JACOB: Nice!

(They high five.)

ROMNEY: Very good, Ryan.

ETHAN: Fucking kill you Ryan, anyway, what about this Linsanity, huh? There's an oriental kid achieving his athletic dreams? It's pretty impressive.

ROMNEY: Yeah, and let me tell you, I feel bad for the Mavericks for not signing on Lin, oh, those poor Mavericks.

RYAN: But I thought you weren't concerned about the very poor, Governor.

ETHAN: I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR FACE IN, RYAN IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR SHUT HOLE!

ROMNEY: Calm down, Ethan, the boy just has some wit; he's going to be very successful at a job one day.

RYAN: Unless you lay me off.

(Ethan lunges at Ryan, but Governor Romney and Mayor Sarandon restrain him. Cut to Kimberly in the bathroom in front of the mirror. Ethan walks in behind her.)

ETHAN: Hey. What are you doing in here?

KIMBERLY: I don't know, Ethan. I don't know. Our children just embarrassed us in front of someone who might one day become the most powerful person in the free world and the most powerful man in Hansbay, Vermont, so I'm little distressed.

ETHAN: C'mon. (He hugs her from behind and rests his head on her shoulder.) Even us conservatives know that first part is not going to happen.

KIMBERLY: (Giggles) Really?

ETHAN: Yeah, President Obama campaigns too well. Plus, we'll have a field day in his second term ripping him to shreds.

KIMBERLY: (Giggles) …How did a liberal like me marry a conservative like you?

ETHAN: Well… (He kisses her on the neck) when we met on the Subway, (kisses her on the cheek) were we discussing capital gains taxes?

KIMBERLY: (Giggles) No…

ETHAN: What were we talking about?

KIMBERLY: Bagels.

ETHAN: (Laughs) We were talking about bagels!

KIMBERLY: (Giggles) Yeah, we got the same type.

ETHAN: For what turned out to be the same dinner party!

KIMBERLY: (Giggles) Yeah.

ETHAN: So, maybe we have differences on tax policy.

KIMBERLY: Fair share.

ETHAN: Job creators. But, we still love each other, and have a wonderful family.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, but we need to get control of our kids.

ETHAN: Let's focus on that later.

KIMBERLY: Why? (She turns around) Jacob is a smoker and a drinker, Madeline's a slut and Ryan is an emo, bisexual, depressed cough syrup and ecstasy addict.

ETHAN: …I did not know half the things you just told me.

KIMBERLY: Really? How? Jacob's room always smells like smoke, he's always drinking "orange juice", Madeline is always having different guys over and I have found used condoms in the trash, Ryan dresses exclusively in black, he wears wrist bands around the places he cuts himself, we always seem to be out of cough syrup and he always sneaks off to raves at Brennan's house.

ETHAN: What about the bisexual thing?

KIMBERLY: I just kind of assumed that.

ETHAN: Yeah, me too. Well, our kids are fucked up. And I'll address that. But for now, let's enjoy the night.

KIMEBERLY: …Fine.

(Cut to Governor Romney, Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Kimberly gathered around a table with drinks, laughing it up)

KIMBERLY: WE WERE GOING TO THE SAME DINNER PARTY!

(Everyone starts cracking up. Cut to Ryan, Jacob and Madeline on the balcony, also laughing it up.)

JACOB: And coach slipped on the hanger!

(They crack up. Cut to all of them leaving.)

ETHAN: Bye!

KIMBERLY: Goodbye!

JACOB: We outie!

MADELINE: Fare well!

RYAN: See ya!

(They all exit the door and get in the car, and drive away as the camera pans up towards the moon, fade to black)

THE END

DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF MARTA DOUGHERTY, 1958-2012





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