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The Donahues Episode 10

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



The Donahues celebrate Jacob’s 18th birthday, Ryan, Michael and Ethan must deal with Japanese imperialistic ghosts in their house after Ryan is almost indoctrinated by anime and Jacob, Sarah and Madeline must deal with problems in their new relationships


Submitted:Jun 3, 2012    Reads: 4    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"TOJO OR NOT TOJO"

TV-MA DL

"Lost souls from different eras, stalking the cold nights, holding on to last moments"

  • XoxPheonixXox

(We start with Jacob in bed. His alarm clock goes off. It reads "6:30 AM MAY 14 2012". He rolls over to shut it off and springs out of bed)

JACOB: Yes!

(He struts out of the room in his pajamas and goes to the game room, where Ryan is sitting on the couch reading an anime called "Dead Letter" in his pajamas)

RYAN: Morning.

JACOB: Morning. So, what's going on?

RYAN: Reading Dead Letter.

JACOB: Yeah, I see that. Is there anything special going on today?

RYAN: Hmm…it's Japanese swimmer Ai Shibata's thirtieth birthday.

JACOB: …Are you serious?

RYAN: I shit you not, she is thirty today.

JACOB: C'mon, man, it's my birthday today and all you're interested in is your stupid anime! (Pronounces it A-NEEM)

RYAN: (Ryan puts down his anime) Oh, shit, sorry I forgot.

JACOB: How did you even know Ai Shibata's birthday? And who the hell is Ai Shibata?

RYAN: Ai and I are friends on Facebook; we talk about Dead Letter and Spirit Consumer, great animes. By the way, it's not pronounced a-neem.

JACOB: Whatever, I just can't believe you didn't remember.

RYAN: Well, happy birthday. Eighteen right?

JACOB: Yes, I'm an adult now.

RYAN: Actually, you're not an adult until 3:03 pm today.

JACOB: How is it that you know my birth minute but you didn't know today was my birthday?

RYAN: Hey, could you drive me to school? I must've gotten so absorbed in this anime that I lost track of time, I think I missed the bus.

JACOB: You know, you'll be seventeen next month; you need to get your license.

RYAN: I'm working on it!

JACOB: Fine, shower, shave, get dressed and get your shit, but I will NOT wait for you to straighten your hair.

RYAN: C'MON, MAN, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

JACOB: No, it's mine, and stop yelling.

RYAN: Oh yeah, it's yours.

JACOB: I'm not going to wait for you to straighten your hair, bottom line.

RYAN: Fine. Hey, do hair straighteners work in the shower?

JACOB: You're an idiot.

(Cut to Ryan in the front seat of Jacob's car. Ryan is wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a white center and black sleeves that reads "Harpoon for my Dearest", Jacob is wearing a white DC shirt. Ryan's hair is clearly not straightened)

RYAN: Fuck, this sucks.

JACOB: Stop bitching, when was the last time you went to school without straightening your hair?

RYAN: 2010.

JACOB: Jesus.

RYAN: So, what are you and Kirsten going to do for your birthday?

JACOB: We are going to go out for a nice dinner at Olive Gordon.

RYAN: Olive Gordon?

JACOB: Yeah, it was founded by a guy named Gordon.

RYAN: Don't you mean-

JACOB: NO.

RYAN: …Okay. You know, it was so weird, I had a dream last night that I had fallen asleep reading anime, when suddenly...(Cut to the previous night. Ryan is asleep in bed with the anime in his hand. Suddenly, he wakes up to see the apparition of General Hideki Tojo, the leader of imperial Japan during the 1940s, floating at the foot of his bed) What…what the fuck?

GENERAL TOJO: こんにちは、ライアン·ドナヒュー。私は一般的な東条英機、第二次世界大戦中の日本帝国の指導者です.

RYAN: English, please.

GENERAL TOJO: (Japanese accent) I apologize. Hello, Ryan Donahue.

RYAN: Who the hell are you?

GENERAL TOJO: I am General Hideki Tojo, the leader of imperial Japan during World War II. Well, I'm the ghost of him anyway.

RYAN: A g-g-a g-g-a g-g-ghost?

GENERAL TOJO: Yeah, I'm a ghost, what's wrong with you? Do you have a stutter or something?

RYAN: What do you want from me, General?

GENERAL TOJO: You've already given me part of it, Ryan. You read anime. You're falling into my trap.

RYAN: What?

GENERAL TOJO: Anime was created for the exclusive reason to indoctrinate teenagers like yourself into the job of making sure Japan would once again become imperial in nature, so we could fight against American aggressors.

RYAN: You're saying I've been indoctrinated by modern-day Japanese imperialists making comic books with the intent of raising a teenage army to help the take over Japan, and they are being ordered to do this by a dictator who has been dead for sixty-eight years?

GENERAL TOJO: …Yes.

RYAN: Why should I believe this?

GENERAL TOJO: It doesn't matter what you believe! You've already been indoctrinated!

RYAN: I don't, feel indoctrinated.

GENERAL TOJO: Give it a second.

RYAN: Your imminence, I don't feel like I'm-wait, did I just call you "Your imminence"?

GENERAL TOJO: Yes you did.

RYAN: Holy crap.

GENERAL TOJO: (Begins laughing maniacally) SEE YOU TOMMOROW NIGHT!

(General Tojo continues laughing and then fades away. Cut back to Ryan and Jacob in the car)

RYAN: Then in the dream, I went back to sleep. Weird, huh?

JACOB: Yeah, PEZ dispensers should be easier to load.

RYAN: (Confused) …What conversation were you listening to?

(Cut to Ethan at his desk in a suit, typing on his computer)

ETHAN: Wow, President Obama supports gay marriage. Well, if he loves gay marriage so much, why doesn't he marry it? (Ethan's phone rings, he picks it up) Hello?

KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Hey, there's a problem with the sink, do you think you could come take care of it?

ETHAN: I could come take care of you…

KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Fine, but make it quick, because this sink is a pain in the ass.

ETHAN: Okay then. Be right there.

(Ethan hangs up and rises from his chair and runs into Mayor Sarandon and Tim holding coffee, with their jackets open sticking their chests out)

MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, Ethan.

TIM: Hey, Ethan.

ETHAN: Hey, guys.

MAYOR SARANDON: Man, that was a fun trip to the Caymans, huh?

TIM: The Caymans? More like the "Gaymans"!

MAYOR SARANDON: Nice!

(Tim and Mayor Sarandon high-five)

ETHAN: You just said you enjoyed it, why are you now insulting it?

TIM: We should go on another poon doggle sometime.

ETHAN: I don't think so, guys; I have a lot of regrets from the Cayman Islands trip.

MAYOR SARANDON: Like what?

ETHAN: Like, everything. The entire trip. I'm trying to reaffirm my Christian faith now.

TIM: We're not Amish going on ruhmspringen for Christ's sakes, we're politicians!

ETHAN: Mayor Sarandon is, we're not.

TIM: Whatever.

ETHAN: Listen, I have to go fix a sink at my house, and Jesus, stop sticking your chests out like that, that can't be comfortable.

MAYOR SARANDON: This is the pinnacle of comfort, bitch.

ETHAN: It's not, bye.

(Ethan exits stage left. Cut to Ethan coming through the front door)

ETHAN: I'm here!

(Ethan throws his keys down and hangs up his coat)

KIMBERLY: (Offscreen) I'm in the kitchen!

ETHAN: Okay! (Ethan walks down the hallway when he notices a dusty foot print on the ground with the Japanese characters "長い日本の帝国のライブ" on them) What the fuck? (A "woosh" noise occurs and Ethan feels a strong breeze and shudders) Ah! (He runs to the living room, where the TV is displaying footage of the 1941 Pearl Harbor attack) KIMBERLY? ARE YOU WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL IN HERE?

KIMBERLY: NO!

ETHAN: Damnit, I should've known it wasn't the History Channel, otherwise there would've been theories about aliens attacking Pearl Harbor. (The TV flickers between footage of Pearl Harbor and footage of President Roosevelt's address to a joint session of Congress on December 8, 1941 regarding the attack and General Tojo's 1946 trial) WHAT IS GOING ON??

(The TV then remains stagnant on a picture of the Japanese Imperial Flag. Ethan grabs a coffee mug and throws it at the TV, smashing it. Kimberly walks in, astonished)

KIMBERLY: Why the fuck did you do that?!

ETHAN: Something weird is happening, Kim.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, what is going on? You're scaring me.

ETHAN: I'll be right back.

KIMBERLY: I need help with the sink!

ETHAN: I'll be right back, I said. (Ethan runs up stairs and goes into Ryan's room, where animes are laying around everywhere. He takes all of them and puts them into a box. He then heads for the door, but the door shuts and locks on its own) FUCK!

(A red dot forms on the door. Ethan drops the box and falls to the ground, in shock. Cut to Jacob, Beckett, Peter. Ross, Elisa, Adam, Britney, Madeline, Ryan, Kirsten, Brennan, Sarah, Michael, Logan and Lilly at lunch)

ROSS: So, for your birthday today we decided to have a joint session of your friends, your brother's friends and your sister's friends.

JACOB: Well, that's…great?

BECKETT: You bet your ass it is. Now, open up my gift.

(Beckett takes out Burt's Bees chapstick)

JACOB: Okay, that's not wrapped, and it seems like you definitely forgot today was my birthday.

BECKETT: My adoptive dad beat me, okay?

JACOB: Next!

(Madeline takes out a shaving mirror)

MADELINE: There you go. Happy birthday, big brother.

JACOB: Ooh, thanks, Maddie. I could use this to shave in the shower.

MADELINE: Or wherever.

JACOB: Thanks.

(They hug, then unembrace)

JACOB: Next.

(Ross takes out Saints Row 3 for the XBOX 360)

ROSS: Is this to your liking?

JACOB: Awesome! Now I can become desensitized to violence and shave at the same time!

(He takes it, and Ross and Jacob hug. After they unembrace, Jacob puts down the game)

RYAN: I have my gift.

(Ryan takes out Mockingjay, the third book in the Hunger Games series)

JACOB: Ah! What? I don't like the Hunger Games…at all.

RYAN: Are you shitting me right now?

PETER: Dude, I would hate you if you liked the Hunger Games.

LILLY: Hate you!

RYAN: You guys are bad friends, he sent me like a two-page e-mail demanding that I get him this book, so I did.

JACOB: I did not send an e-mail, and if I did, I would've specifically told you to give me my gift in private!

RYAN: Yeah, so I could look like the asshole who didn't give a gift to his brother, sure.

MADELINE: You didn't give me a gif for my eighteenth birthday last year.

RYAN: Well…

JACOB: Yeah, and you didn't give me a gift for my seventeenth birthday last year.

RYAN: Well…I got Michael a gift for his seventeenth birthday two weeks ago!

MICHAEL: That is true.

MADELINE: You had only known him for like, five days!

BECKETT: Plus, an anal vibrator does not count as a gift.

(Ross, Jacob, Beckett, Peter and Lilly high-five amongst each other and laugh)

RYAN: No, I got him a Dark Veil Grooms poster.

BECKETT: A vibrating Dark Veil Grooms Poster? Oh!

(They high-five and laugh again)

RYAN: Yeah, a vibrating poster, nice logic.

JACOB: Will everybody shut up? Now, give me that-(Takes the book) Mockingjay book so I can burn it later. (He stuffs it in his back pack) Who's next?

KIRSTEN: Me!

JACOB: Ah, yes, my pride and joy. What'd you get for me, Kirsty?

KIRSTEN: I got you an AK-47.

JACOB: What?

LOGAN: You have a weapon? Can I see it? Can I have it?

SARAH: Shut up, Logan.

KIRSTEN: Yeah, this weapon weights about an ounce.

ADAM: It doesn't sound like a very practical weapon then-OHHHhhh…

JACOB: You got me an ounce of primo AK-47 weed??

KIRSTEN: I didn't say that…BUT YES!

JACOB: AWESOME!

(They start making out)

RYAN: (Singing) Awkward moments when your friend or sibling makes out with his girlfriend…such an awkward moment that you cock your head to the side so much that you think you're gonna break it…

BRENNAN: Not bad.

RYAN: Thank you.

(They stop making out)

JACOB: When can you get it to me?

KIRSTEN: Tomorrow.

JACOB: Great!

LILLY: I officially love your girlfriend.

RYAN: You know what I love?

LILLY: What?

RYAN: (Eyes widen) THE IDEA OF JAPAN ONCE AGAIN RISING TO ITS CREED AND FULFILLING THE DREAM OF THE GREAT PRIME MINISTER, HIDEKI TOJO AND THE ETERNAL EMPEROR HIROHITO. (Everyone around him is dumb stricken, then, Ryan goes back to normal) Ugh, what? What happened? Did I pass out or something?

JACOB: What is wrong with you?

BRITNEY: That's a loaded question.

(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Jacob, Kirsten and Madeline entering the house through the door. Ethan and Kimberly walk up to them)

ETHAN: Happy Birthday, Jacob!

KIMBERLY: Happy Birthday, Jacob!

JACOB: Thanks mom, thanks, dad.

ETHAN: We have gifts!

JACOB: Yeah, and I've already gotten gifts from my friends and siblings, but not you guys. Make it quick, though, I have a birthday date with Kirsten.

ETHAN: Ah, yes, Kirsten. Nice to meet you.

KIMBERLY: Nice to meet you, Kirsten.

ETHAN: You know, he never talks about you.

KIMBERLY: Not a peep.

ETHAN: Not a squeal.

KIMBERLY: You could water board him and he still wouldn't talk about you. (Chuckles)

ETHAN: He would sooner die than-

JAOCB: Stop!

KIRSTEN: Why doesn't he talk about me?

JACOB: I do, let's just go.

ETHAN: He doesn't, and also, we haven't given you your presents yet.

JACOB: Oh yeah. Go ahead.

(Ethan pulls out an iPad 3 box)

JACOB: Wow, the iPad 3! Awesome! Thanks, dad!

ETHAN: Don't jump to conclusions now, that's just the box, the real gift is much less glamorous, I assure you.

JACOB: (Disappointed) Oh. Okay. (He takes the box and opens it to reveal an iPad 2) iPad 2?! Why'd you say it was much less glamorous, this is awesome!

ETHAN: It's glamorous, but it's not iPad 3 glamorous. But it is nice. It's great for doing things that you could do on your iPhone, but BIGGER. Plus, you can put it under your door and prevent drafts in the winter months.

MICHAEL: Plus, it's basically a self-righteous asshole machine.

KIMBERLY: Yeah. Anyway, that's from both of us, so you can go on your cute little date now.

JACOB: We're not thirteen.

KIMBERLY: CUTE LITTLE DATE!

(Jacob and Kirsten leave)

ETHAN: Listen, Ryan, could I talk to you in private for a bit?

RYAN: Actually, Michael and I are going to dinner too.

ETHAN: Well, cancel the FUCKING dinner, because this is important.

RYAN: Fine. Can Michael stick around, though?

ETHAN: Fine. Follow me.

(They go upstairs and go into Ryan's bedroom, where the door is wide open with paint damage and a broken lock)

RYAN: What the hell happened to my door?

ETHAN: I had to kick it down, I'll explain, just have a seat.

(The three of them sit on Ryan's bed)

RYAN: What is this about?

ETHAN: There is a ghost in the house.

RYAN: What?

ETHAN: Yeah, I've seen weird shit today, kids. I saw footsteps with Japanese imprint on them, I've seen the TV flicker WW2 footage and I tried to take all your animes-

RYAN: WHAT?

ETHAN: But this door shut and locked on its own. That's why I had to kick it open. Plus, the imperial flag has been popping up everywhere.

MICHAEL: Dude, what are you on?

RYAN: Dad, I was visited by the ghost of General Tojo last night.

ETHAN: I KNEW IT! What did he say?

RYAN: He said anime was a conspiracy to indoctrinate teens into reestablishing imperial Japan.

ETHAN: Oh, it all makes sense now. That's why he didn't want me to get rid of the anime!

RYAN: You tried to get rid of my anime?

ETHAN: Yeah, kinda.

RYAN: For my protection, right?

ETHAN: …Sure.

RYAN: Ugh, okay, what do we do now?

ETHAN: Well, they've been trying to indoctrinate you.

MICHAEL: And it's working. He had a weird outburst about imperial Japan today.

ETHAN: Okay, so we have to bust the Jap ghosts before the indoctrination can take full effect.

MICHAEL: How do you bust a ghost?

RYAN: A vacuum cleaner, that's Luigi's Mansion 101, son. The question is, how do you bust a Jap ghost?

ETHAN: Well, you can lure the Jap ghost with a plate of rice, or Hello Kitty, or whatever other shit they like-

MICHAEL: Linsanity.

ETHAN: Linsanity, right, and then-

RYAN: Math equations.

ETHAN: That's also good, so anyway, then we suck them up as soon as we see the whites of their ghostly slanted eyes.

RYAN: Fuck yeah.

MICHAEL: Of course, the ghosts being Japanese, we might have to suck them up again half an hour later!

ETHAN: OHH!

(Ethan and Ryan laugh and they both give Michael a high-five)

RYAN: Nice!

ETHAN: You know what, I like this kid. Let's bust some Jap ass, boys.

(They all get up. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten on their date at "The Olive Gordon", a nice Italian restaurant. There is a candle in between them)

KIRSTEN: I bet you never did that again.

JACOB: Did what?

KIRSTEN: Why don't you talk about me? You talk about yourself, you talk about your friends to me all the time and you must to your parents!

JACOB: I don't talk about anybody to my parents.

KIRSTEN: You don't want to talk to ANYBODY about me, though! You told your friends that you were breaking up with me!

JACOB: We already fought about this, we made up remember?

KIRSTEN: And yet you STILL don't talk about me!

JACOB: You want me to talk about you? Fine.

(Jacob gets up)

KIRSTEN: Sit down!

JACOB: ATTENTION! (Everybody turns around in the restaurant) Thank you, I just want to tell everybody here, that I am dating Kirsten Snowe! She is a great girlfriend and she is in theatre class! Goodbye!

(He sits down as people return to their dinners)

KIRSTEN: …I'm not sure whether to be insulted or touched.

JACOB: How about the latter?

KIRSTEN: Thank you!

(They kiss. Cut to Madeline and Kyle at a table in the same restaurant)

KYLE: What do you want to get?

MADELINE: Fettuccine Alfredo. You?

KYLE: I'm trying to decide between fish and oyster.

MADELINE: What are you talking about? This is an Italian restaurant.

KYLE: Not according to this menu.

(The camera pans down to reveal he is holding a menu from the sea food restaurant "Long Jack Silver's", it pans back up and he's smiling)

MADELINE: Wow.

KYLE: (Laughing) I know! Why would I bring a sea food menu to an Italian restaurant?!

MADELINE: Yeah, I don't know why you would, please stop.

KYLE: (Stops laughing) Please stop what?

MADELINE: You have a weird sense of humor, how long have you been planning this? You must've had to steal a sea food menu and deliberately brought it in without me noticing, and you didn't even get a smirk out of me.

KYLE: I got a smirk!

MADELINE: You definitely-you didn't.

KYLE: What part about my humor do you not like?

MADELINE: The meticulous planning of it, the execution and the aftermath.

KYLE: Wow, that was fucking fast.

MADELINE: I know, I think about it a lot.

KYLE: Too much.

MADELINE: Not enough.

(Cut to Logan and Sarah at a table at the same restaurant)

LOGAN: I guess this is a popular restaurant tonight.

SARAH: Yeah, it's…great that people…see us together.

LOGAN: What's wrong?

SARAH: Nothing, it's just that you and I made out ONCE on ecstasy at Ryan's apartment-warming, and now you're expecting us to date?

LOGAN: Sarah, you agreed to it.

SARAH: Oh, I like guys that play guitars! Sue me!

LOGAN: I'd rather not.

SARAH: Who even taught you to play guitar? Charles Manson?

LOGAN: Trust me, if I were in the same looney bin as Charles Manson, I would be beyond honored.

SARAH: That's fucked up.

LOGAN: I learned from my girlfriend.

SARAH: There he goes again, Jesus, your girlfriend has probably gotten your more pussy than she ever gave you! (Logan breaks down crying) Oh, shit, Logan, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

(Logan storms out, crying, leaving Sarah guilt-ridden. Cut to Ryan, Ethan and Brennan in the front hallway. Ethan is starting up an industrial vacuum while Ryan and Michael watch)

RYAN: Need any help?

ETHAN: I'm fine!

(He starts the vacuum up and Ethan stands up)

MICHAEL: Perfect!

ETHAN: Yep, now it can catch some polterghosts.

RYAN: Poltergeists.

ETHAN: Fuck off, you're wrong.

MICHAEL: No, it actually is poltergeist.

ETHAN: Really? I did not know that.

(Ryan looks offended and then throws his hands in the air and puts them down. Then, the doorbell rings. Ethan comes and opens the door to see Japanese swimmer Al Shibata)

ETHAN, RYAN AND MICHAEL: (In unison) AI SHIBATA?!

ETHAN: Wait, who the fuck are you?

AI SHIBATA: (Japanese accent) You just said my name.

ETHAN: Yeah, when you're in a group of people and a random famous person enters your life, all of the people in question have to say your name in unison in a surprised tone, but I still don't know you.

AI SHIBATA: I'm Japanese swimmer Al Shibata. I won the gold medal in the 800-meter freestyle race at the 2004 Olympics in Athens.

RYAN: Yeah, and she and I talk about anime online with each other. It's so nice to meet you.

(Ryan and Ai shake hands)

AI SHIBATA: Nice to meet you too.

RYAN: Happy birthday!

AI SHIBATA: Thanks!

ETHAN: Wait, you two talk about anime online together?!

RYAN: Yeah dad, but Ai isn't anywhere near being indoctrinated.

AI SHIBATA: Yeah, I'm not indoctrinated like those corrupt Americans trying to repress the resurrection of Imperial Japan and disgrace the memory of General Tojo.

ETHAN: Shit.

RYAN: I agree absolutely, General Tojo name has been SHAMED! HARI KARI!

AI SHIBATA: Not yet, my son.

ETHAN: RYAN, LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

RYAN: Shit, it keeps seeping in. Let's keep moving, FUCK OFF, AI SHIBATA, YOU IMPERIALIST BITCH!

(They slam the door in her face. She kicks in the window and begins to climb in. Cut to inside where Michael is putting a basket of Hello Kitty plushes, Hello Kitty bracelets and Hello Kitty candies right next to the blower)

MICHAEL: This better work!

(Ai Shibata gets through the very narrow window and kicks the blower away, knocking the candies, plushes and bracelets every which way)

AI SHIBATA: YOU AMERICANS WILL PAY! ALL HAIL TOJO!

(Ethan, Michael and Ryan back off)

ETHAN: Jesus! Get her out of here!

RYAN: HOW?

ETHAN: Drop the big one!

(Ryan runs to the kitchen, gets an egg carton out of the fridge and comes back, and throws one at her in the face, and she is unphased)

MICHAEL: She's Japanese! You have to do it twice!

RYAN: THERE'S NO MORE EGGS LEFT!

ETHAN: Damnit!

(Ai Shibata continues creeping steadily towards them when Adam comes through the window and breaks an egg on her head. Immediately, she falls down)

MICHAEL: Thank God!

RYAN: Thanks so much.

ADAM: No, problem. It's my job.

ETHAN: Your job is to break eggs on the heads of Japanese swimmers?

ADAM: No, I'm a cashier.

ETHAN: Oh.

RYAN: Aren't you in my English class?

ADAM: Yeah, I was also at your apartment-warming party.

ETHAN: Apartment-warming party?

RYAN: It's a long story.

ADAM: Focus, guys. Listen, I know the evil you face. When I took LSD at your apartment-warming party-

ETHAN: WHAT?!

RYAN: Like he said, focus!

ADAM: I had to fight off Asian dictators, so then Jacob told me about your dream, Ryan-

RYAN: So he was paying attention.

ADAM: And then I elected to get involved. Where is that Jap bastard Tojo?

ETHAN: We don't know, but we were trying to lure him with Hello Kitty stuff before this kami-crazy bitch came and tried to kill us.

MICHAEL: Did you just make a kamikaze pun?

ADAM: Don't worry, I'm good with Asian dictators. Chances are, there's more in this house. Chairman Mao, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Il-Sung, Pol Pot, the works.

RYAN: How do we defeat them?

ADAM: Simple. Sound the alarms.

ETHAN: Excuse me?

ADAM: Ever since Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Fukishima Daiichi, the Japanese get scared shitless when they hear nuclear sirens. So, let's play some. Do you have some big ass ghost speakers?

RYAN: Ghost speakers?

ADAM: Yeah, speakers that only ghosts can hear, you can get them at any Best Buy.

MICHAEL: What I like are those fans at Best Buy that have no blades. Finally, I can enjoy the pleasure of sticking my hand in a fan with none of the severed finger consequences.

RYAN: Or those 3D TVs that no one in their right mind would ever actually buy but are fun to look at for 12.5 seconds.

ADAM: Yeah, or GHOST SPEAKERS!

(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Ethan and Adam at Best Buy, near a shelf with a large white speaker labeled "GHOST SPEAKER 400" .They are talking to a skinny guy with dirty blonde short hair in a Best Buy uniform with a nametag labeled "DAVID")

DAVID: So yeah, the Ghost Speakers are great for communicating music to the dead and amplifying it to their liking. It has 17 gigahertz of volume ratio and biotechnical A/B processing server and wireless router to an auxiliary cable tuned at 11.3 megabytes per frame.

ADAM: That was complete nonsense.

DAVID: Yeah.

ADAM: Most of our spirits died in the 1940s or so.

DAVID: Oh, well this speaker is only for people who have died since January 1, 1982, for people who have died since January 1, 1942, you're going to want to go with the Ghost Speaker 600. It is slightly more expensive, about 1,000 dollars more, but it does come in black.

RYAN: We'll take it!

(Cut to Ryan at his computer in his house, with Ethan, Michael and Adam standing behind him)

ADAM: Go to YouTube.

RYAN: I've got it!

(Adam grabs the mouse)

ADAM: Go to YouTube!

RYAN: I can handle it, let go!

(Adam releases the mouse)

ADAM: Go where?

RYAN: I said "Let go", and I don't think you actually made that mistake.

ADAM: When?

RYAN: Stop!

(Adam starts poking the screen)

ADAM: How do I get to YouTube?

RYAN: It's not a touch screen!

(Adam stops poking the screen, then he spins Ryan's chair around, dumps him out and sits on it, spins around and goes to YouTube and types in "air raid siren". It brings up the results, he clicks on "air raid sirens and it brings up a video)

ADAM: Perfect, this is what the English heard during World War 2, that's close enough, it was the same everywhere.

(Ryan gets up)

RYAN: (Annoyed) Yeah…

ADAM: Plug it in!

(Ethan plugs the computer to the Ghost Speaker. Adam then plays the video, which plays a dramatic air raid siren, which comes really loudly out of the speaker, causing Ethan, Ryan, Michael and Adam to shut their ears. Cut to General Tojo's apparition sitting on the couch, talking to the apparitions of Chairman Mao and Pol Pot. Suddenly, the air raid siren begins, and ghostly specters of random Japanese citizens start fleeing)

GENERAL TOJO: OH NO! NOT A THIRD TIME! WE JUST PAID OFF THE NUCLEAR INSURANCE PREMIUM!

CHAIRMAN MAO: RUN!

POL POT: ACTUALLY, FLOAT QUICKLY!

(The three of them float quickly out of the door, and all the Asian spirits are sucked out dramatically. Cut to Ethan, Adam, Michael and Ryan in Ryan's room.)

ETHAN: TURN IT OFF!

(Adam pauses the video)

ADAM: What?

ETHAN: They're gone, I saw them fly out of the door.

ADAM: Thank God.

MICHAEL: Finally, the house is safe from Japanese.

(The film turns black and white and Ethan turns to the camera)

ETHAN: No, Michael, this house is safe from ghosts. We are NEVER safe from the Japanese.

(A seal for the old United States Department of War appears on screen)

ANNOUNCER: This message paid for by the United States Department of War and- (a seal for the War Relocation Authority appears) the War Relocation Authority. (The seal disappears)

ETHAN: Remember, if you see a Jap, say a Jap.

(The black and white changes back to color, and there is a long pause)

RYAN: I think we were just indoctrinated by the Roosevelt administration.

(The ghost of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears behind them)

PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT: Yeah, ghost of a chance that's true!

(They all laugh as Jacob and Kirsten enter. They are shocked at what they are seeing)

JACOB: Um…

(The two of them slowly back out of the room. Fade to black)

THE END





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