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The Donahues Episode 11

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Jacob, Kirsten, Sarah, Logan, Brennan, Norman and Michelle try to recover from a weekend tinged with problems caused by Ryan and Michael, as they all try to tie up loose ends, they are lead to the conclusion that Ryan needs to be pinned down and have his hair cut by Governor Romney


Submitted:Jun 8, 2012    Reads: 6    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"WEEKENDS, WEEK BEGINS"

TV-MA DLS

"I say the essence of stress may be the fear of a daunting challenge."

  • Herbert Nerlich

(We start with Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Brennan and Sarah sitting in the cafeteria at the beginning of the day, waiting for school to start, all staring off into space)

JACOB: Uggh…this weekend sucked.

RYAN: Really?

JACOB: You have to know it sucked, you were the reason that it sucked.

RYAN: Sounds like you're looking for a scapegoat; well I'm not interested in being your goat, so goat, fuck yourself.

JACOB: What?

RYAN: I had to defend my employment at Hot Topic to Michelle after I shared a bottle of Robitussin with Michael in the back room, and it was bullshit, she's supposed to be cool.

JACOB: You can't just robotrip at work, what were you thinking? But my weekend was crazy stressful, okay?

RYAN: I had a crazy stressful weekend too, but do you hear me bitching about it?

JACOB: Yes, actually, you just were.

RYAN: Whatever, that's not even the only thing that happened.

JACOB: I heard you proposed that Michael, Michelle and you have a threesome?

RYAN: Yeah, a threesome. Sue me.

JACOB: She could.

RYAN: What essentially happened is that I proposed that, while robotripping, in front of four teeny-boppers looking to get bows for their mildly scene hair, while Michael licked a bunch of bracelets to claim them as his territory.

JACOB: And?

RYAN: And she flipped a shit, threatened to fire me and she kicked Michael out of the store. We talked on the phone for like four hours that night, she kept yapping on about how I was "out of control" and that I "needed help". This coming from a bitch that leaves her socks on the ground.

JACOB: Not comparable.

RYAN: Whatever, man. How was your weekend stressful?

JACOB: Well, my girlfriend and I got a hotel in Hansbay Town Center with some money I had saved up, and you and your dumbass friends ruined it.

BRENNAN: You really kind of screwed all of us over this weekend, Ryan. I think someday scientists will designate you the universal stressor. Honestly, you're very difficult to deal with.

RYAN: If you guys wanted your privacy, then you shouldn't have walked in on Michael and I in the bathroom.

JACOB: You guys were in OUR bathroom!

RYAN: Hotels don't come cheap.

BRENNAN: Ryan, you lost my dad a lot of money, he wants to kill you. He legit wants to murder you, straight-up, 25-life homicide.

RYAN: My God. What did I do?

BRENNAN: Not that I have to remind you, but my dad was doing a presentation to Hilton™©®™ executives about allowing his vending machine company to be the exclusive vending machine company for every single Hilton Hotel in the entire world. It was a multimillion dollar deal until you ruined it by barging into the room and yelling "You fat cat fascists can take a seat!" they were all sitting by the way, and you continued "This dude's son is being a legit clitwit and I heard he says you're a bunch of incompetent cum wagons who can't run a mile, much less a corporation." Upon hearing this, they were offended beyond belief and broke the deal off.

RYAN: Your dad did say that stuff though.

BRENNAN: Yeah, but you didn't have to tell them! Also, he didn't use the term "cum wagons". Also, how was I being a "clitwit"?

RYAN: Because you were being all over-protective of Sarah and Logan.

BRENNAN: That's because you were trying to have a threesome with them. They were scared of you, that's how fucked up you were.

RYAN: Well, when Michelle rejects my request, I tried to consolidate my assets, those assets being my dick and balls, into a joint-stock company known as "Logan & Sarah International", or should I say, joint-cock company-

BRENNAN: Stop!

MADELINE: You know, you made my weekend stressful too.

RYAN: How so?

MADELINE: Michael and you broke into Kyle's dad's dental practice after hours, saying the "aliens are located here" and a bunch of other shit I don't really understand completely, and guess what? Kyle and I were trying to make out in my dad's office to get back at him.

RYAN: To get back at him for what?

MADELINE: It doesn't matter.

RYAN: Yeah, it does.

MADELINE: You want to know why? Because he walked in on us and making out and threaten to drill holes in Kyle's teeth. Has the equipment and everything. He then called Kyle "more unreliable than tooth decalcification after a 41-month bracing", whatever the hell that means.

JACOB: Dental humor.

MADELINE: The point is, we went to make out in there to get our revenge.

RYAN: How exactly is that revenge? He'll never know what that happened.

MADELINE: Yeah, I guess we hadn't thought that out, but it doesn't matter, because you guys breaking into that dental office and booking it caused Kyle to get arrested.

RYAN: But you weren't arrested!

MADELINE: Yeah, because I booked it too, left his sorry ass there.

RYAN: Sounds like we were both in the wrong there.

MADELINE: Hey, I said "goodbye"!

RYAN: Well, sorry I wasn't being polite when I ditched him.

MADELINE: Shut up!

(Kyle comes over and sits down)

KYLE: What the hell is wrong with you?

RYAN: You weren't there! You weren't anywhere! I'm sorry you can't understand.

KYLE: I WAS there! You weren't there, you and Michael booked it.

MADELINE: Listen, it's clear we all have some loose ends to tie up here.

KYLE: Well, I'm going to tie up Ryan, but it's NOT going to be loose.

JACOB: Why waste time hanging him? He's going to do it himself eventually.

RYAN: Wow, dark.

JACOB: Well, sorry I can't be optimistic about your future considering how depraved your actions were this weekend.

RYAN: You know what? I don't have time to listen to this, I have…boxing…class.

KYLE: It's 8AM, You didn't have to make up a class, you could've just told us the class you were actually- is he an idiot?

(Ryan gets up and turns to see Sarah and Logan)

SARAH: You and Michael are out of control.

RYAN: What is this? Shit on Ryan day?

KYLE: Yeah, it's the Jewish holiday of חרא על ריאן היום, the day when Moses predicted your birth 1,995 years after the great prophet Jesus Christ was born, and predicted that 16 ½ years after that, you would fuck up everyone's lives. So he bled into a challis of water and poured it onto a goat fetus and declared May 21 a holiday. In fact, I shouldn't even be here.

LOGAN: You're the Jew?

KYLE: I'm a Jew.

MADELINE: This is why I don't like your humor, it seems very articulately planned and awkwardly executed.

RYAN: Yeah, I thought your people were supposed to be funny.

KYLE: We are. In fact, my grandfather was the head comedian at the concentration camp. He used to be like, "Torture? I hardly know her!".

RYAN: "Torch her"? So, setting women on fire is a sign of affection in the Jewish community?

KYLE: I didn't say he was a very good comedian.

JACOB: Can we focus? Ryan's an asshole, meeting adjourned.

(They all get up. Cut to Michelle getting in her car. She unlocks the door. She sits down, adjusts her mirror and begins touching up her mascara. She looks over to see Ryan in the passenger seat)

MICHELLE: JESUS!

RYAN: Hey.

MICHELLE: How the hell did you get in here?

RYAN: Listen, I have to address what happened on Friday night.

MICHELLE: Seriously, how the hell did you finagle your way in here?

RYAN: Ever heard of bobby pin?

MICHELLE: Why do you have one of those?

RYAN: No, I mean Bobby Pin, my friend; he broke the lock with a hammer.

MICHELLE: Is he going to pay for it?

RYAN: I would call him, but his cell phone's a burner, you know how unreliable those are.

MICHELLE: Actually, I don't, I'm not a drug dealer.

RYAN: I want to address what happened Friday night.

MICHELLE: The four hour phone call wasn't sufficient?

RYAN: Michael and I are really sorry; we hope you can accept our mutual apologies.

MICHELLE: You accused one of the customers of being an alien, and tried to use the handheld scanner as a laser gun to shoot him, and once you found out it was attached to something else, you accused me of attaching it on purpose to appease the "alien overlords". Michael then said he found the "Mothership" and walked in on someone in the dressing room, threw them out, the both of you went in there, closed the door and fucked. If I wasn't your friend, you would already be fired.

RYAN: I just want to be able to count on the fact that I can come into work today after school.

MICHELLE: …I don't know, Ryan.

RYAN: C'mon, all that stuff is in the past.

MICHELLE: The sperm in the dressing room is in the present, though.

RYAN: I need this job, Michelle.

MICHELLE: What you need is self-control.

(Ryan leans in and kisses Michelle for several seconds, before both lean away from each other)

RYAN: How's that for self-control?

MICHELLE: That was the opposite of self-control.

RYAN: You know, you never accepted my apology.

MICHELLE: Fine. I accept your apology, but you better behave at work today, and for the remainder of your employment at Hot Topic. Now go back to your school.

RYAN: Aye aye!

(He gets out)

MICHELLE: We're not having a threesome by the way!

RYAN: Why does God hate me?

(Cut to Jacob and Kirsten at lunch, alone at a table together)

JACOB: Kirsten, I assure you, Ryan and Michael did not mean harm, they are just really gay with each other.

KIRSTEN: And they had to be gay with each other in our hotel bathroom?

JACOB: …Yes?

KIRSTEN: Why are you defending them?

JACOB: I have no idea.

KIRSTEN: It seems like their main intent is to cause all of us problems.

JACOB: I know, they're annoying.

KIRSTEN: It's more than that though, it's like they're trying to cause relationship problems, or break-ups. He tries to have a threesome with him, Michael and Michelle, then himSarah and Logan, then him and his friend break into our hotel room to bathe together and down Robitussin. DoesMichael want to break us up so he can be with me or something? Does he like me?

JACOB: Honestly,Michael will fuck anything with a pulse. And I'm sure he'll waive that requirement someday. But no, I don't think he is trying to break anyone up, and if he is, his methods are retarded.

KIRSTEN: He was naked in front of me! Ryan at least had underwear on! It's like he was trying to show off to me.

JACOB: He was naked because he's a faggot, not to turn you on.

KIRSTEN: Wow, you sound like Mitt Romney.

JACOB: Want to pin him down and cut his hair?

(Michael saunters by and sits down)

MICHAEL: Hey, Jacob, Kirsten, I am sincerely apologetic for my behavior Saturday night. I was high on cough syrup, and I thought that hotel room was the alien overlord Sidaka Monehcen's palace.

JACOB: Why can't Ryan and you just leave the rest of us the fuck alone? I really don't care what you do with Ryan, no matter how disgusting or ungodly it is, but don't get high and flaunt it like a couple of San Francisco priests.

MICHAEL: San Francisco priests? They aren't gay, and they especially aren't flamboyant.

JACOB: You obviously have no idea how gay San Francisco is.

MICHAEL: (Sighs) Listen, you guys are right. We do need to control ourselves. How about, the three of us go do something together, so you guys can see that I'm not such a bad guy. Sober, anyway.

JACOB: I don't know, I think I have an excuse,

KIRSTEN: Perhaps, perhaps, my house is on fire.

JACOB: I have a meeting with the President in ten minutes,

KIRSTEN: I think I have testicular cancer; I need to see a Doctor about that,

JACOB: I have to plant explosives in the Governor's office,

KIRSTEN: I have to get a haircut from a blind man with no legs; it might take a little while.

MICHAEL: Enough. We're doing something after school, and it's going to be great.

JACOB: Ugh…fine. See you then.

MICHAEL: Great.

(Michael gets up and leaves. Jacob takes out his phone and dials a number. Cut to President Obama at his oval office desk, writing something down. The phone rings, and he answers it)

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Hello?

JACOB: (On the phone) Sorry, Mr. President, I won't be able to make that meeting.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Damnit, Jacob.

(Cut to Brennan's father, a balding white man with a scowl, sitting in his home office. The doorbell rings)

BRENNAN'S DAD: Juantito, please get that!

(Cut to a Hispanic woman named Juantito walking to the door. She opens it and sees Ryan standing there)

RYAN: Hello there, Juantito. Is Brennan's dad here?

JUANTITO: (Manly voice0 Yeah, and he's hella pissy. What'd you do to him, ya bastard?

RYAN: I assure you, Juantito, nothing at all. Can I come talk to him?

JUANTITO: Yeah.

(She opens the door and Ryan enters)

JUANTITO: He's in his office and he's hella pissy.

RYAN: Yeah, you mentioned that.

(Ryan goes into his office)

BRENNAN'S DAD: What the hell are YOU doing here?

RYAN: Sir, I can explain.

BRENNAN'S DAD: You can explain why you lost me 176 MILLION DOLLARS!

RYAN: Listen, Norman,

NORMAN: Call me Mr. Sanford.

RYAN: Sure, sorry, I was very intoxicated on cough syrup, to be extremely honest with you.

NORMAN: Well, that's terrific. Thanks for being fucking honest.

RYAN: Like they say, "Honesty is worth a penny for your thoughts…a thousand words."

NORMAN: That's not the phrase. That's not anything. Listen, you're not allowed at this home ever again.

RYAN: WHAT? WHY?

NORMAN: There are about 176 million reasons why.

RYAN: Yeah, I know, I lost you 176 million dollars, but-

NORMAN: No, that wasn't what I meant, I literally have 176 million reasons you're not allowed here anymore. Number one, you do drugs, number two-

RYAN: I don't have to listen to all of them, Mr. Sanford.

NORMAN: I have 176 million problems and you're ALL OF THEM. Also, a bitch ain't one.

RYAN: How do you even know that line?

NORMAN: The point is, you cannot come here anymore.

RYAN: How about I can't come here for one month?

NORMAN: Never.

RYAN: Six months?

NORMAN: Never.

RYAN: A year?

NORMAN: Never.

RYAN: Two weeks?

NORMAN: Do you really expect that to happen after I said no to a year?

RYAN: One week?

NORMAN: Get out.

RYAN: Will you at least accept my apology?

NORMAN: How about this. I'll accept your apology and let you come here if you are able to attain 176 million dollars in the next twenty-four hours.

RYAN: Well, then I've got a mission.

(The camera pans to the sky as upbeat music plays)

VOICOVER: An average teenage boy in Hansbay, Vermont has only twenty-four hours to get 176 million dollars. That's million, with an M. Can he do it? No. (The upbeat music stops) He cannot do that, that's wholly unrealistic. Bye.

(Cut to Kyle and Madeline in the hallway during passing period)

KYLE: Why did you leave me there to get arrested?!

MADELINE: I thought you were going to come with me!

KYLE: You locked the door behind you!

MADELINE: Well, I didn't want wolves to come in and eat you, so I locked the door for you own safety.

KYLE: First of all, that means you didn't expect me to come with you and-(Madeline shakes her head in agreement) second of all, the nearest forest was like, twelve miles away.

MADELINE: You can never be too careful!

KYLE: Well, now I have a court date and my dad is steaming, but at least I wasn't eaten by wolves!

(Dirk and some other big kid come over)

DIRK: Hey Maddie, this Jew giving you trouble?

MADELINE: Actually, he's my boyfriend, and wow, that's anti-Semitic.

DIRK: Semitic? More like, "sow-my-dick" to your vagina.

MADELINE: Wow, that was a stretch.

KYLE: Get out of here, douchebag.

DIRK: Ooh. We got a feisty kike here, huh? You're nowhere near good enough for Madeline, Jewboy.

DIRK'S COHORT: TELL 'IM, BAWSS!!!!

DIRK: Shut up, Jim.

JIM: Sorry, boss.

DIRK: Let's change the subject. Are you fasting for Yom Kippur, Kyle?

KYLE: Yeah, let's change the subject you goy MOTHERFUCKER. How about baseball?

MADELINE: I think that was a line from LA Noire.

KYLE: YOU BETTER GET YOUR GOY-ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO A PULP!

DIRK: I have an '02 firebird, okay? I wouldn't fuck with me. However, I have better things to do than bruise up a wop right now.

KYLE: Wrong racial slur.

DIRK: Let's go, Jim.

JIM: Okay, boss, whateva ya say.

(They leave)

MADELINE: Wow, that was hot.

KYLE: Thank you.

MADELINE: You defending my honor like that.

KYLE: Thank you, very much. It almost made me forget I have a COURT DATE ON MAY 23RD!

(Cut to Logan and Sarah at lunch)

LOGAN: What do we do about those two flies that I can't seem to swat away?

SARAH: Well, Ryan and Michael are becoming a problem.

LOGAN: No, I literally mean two flies I can't seem to swat away. (Logan takes out a jar with two bees in it) every day I release them to see if I can swat them, but they always seem to avoid me. (Chuckles) And then I swell up, I assume it's due to shame.

SARAH: It's probably due to allergies, those are not flies, Logan, those are bees.

LOGAN: Bees? Damnit. I'm allergic to bees.

SARAH: Listen, just put the jar away, you crazy person, and listen to me.

LOGAN: Okay.

(He puts the jar in his back pack)

SARAH: Now, as for Ryan and Michael,

LOGAN: I am listening.

SARAH: Right, Ryan and Michael are out of control, Ryan tried to have a three-way with us and Michael kept trying to lick my face.

LOGAN: He likes to lick things for some reason, he's like a puppy or something.

SARAH: Right, so what do we do?

LOGAN: Well, when I smoked, my dad made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, of course, that was before he went to prison,

SARAH: Wow, you have a sad life.

LOGAN: Anyway, so we should employ a similar approach and let Ryan have a three-way with us for so long that he gets sick of it and never wants to do it again.

SARAH: …That is a terrible plan. He'll love that and never get sick of it.

LOGAN: How about this? He has a three-way with two people he thinks are us, but they turn out to be Michelle and Michael.

SARAH: He would also love that, can't you just, beat him up or something?

LOGAN: Isn't he your friend?

SARAH: Yeah, but I've always felt he needs a good pummeling every one and a while to knock the douchery out of him. He's stressing all of us out!

LOGAN: Let's talk to the rest of the stressed, then.

SARAH: Fine. Nice rhyme, by the way.

LOGAN: Fine and rhyme also rhyme and that's sublime.

SARAH: (Chuckles) Yeah they do.

LOGAN: I should name my band Sublime.

SARAH: Already a band name.

LOGAN: Yes, but is it a band?

SARAH: You should've presumed that anyway.

LOGAN: Whatever, I just want to have a band. My guitar skills could earn us enough money to last us through the winter. You know them weevils gonna be a damn burden to our crop.

SARAH: Do you think we're farmers?

(Cut to Ryan and Michael at lunch)

RYAN: So I talked with Michelle and I talked with Brennan's dad, and Michelle said I still have a job,

MICHAEL: Good,

RYAN: But Brennan's dad said I could never enter onto his property again.

MICHAEL: Wow.

RYAN: So, essentially, our little meet and greet was a failure.

MICHAEL: But at least you still have a job.

RYAN: Yeah, a minimum wage job. I need 176 million dollars if I want to ever re-enter Brennan's house again.

MICHAEL: You know, I think I have a get rich quick scheme that just may accomplish this goal.

RYAN: Hmm…

(The camera pans up as upbeat music begins playing again, but then suddenly the music stops and the camera pans back down)

MICHAEL: On second thought, that'll never work.

RYAN: Yeah. How do I regain access?

MICHAEL: Maybe it's not for you to decide.

(Brennan comes over and sits down)

BRENNAN: Hey, Ryan. I heard you talked to my dad.

RYAN: Where'd you hear that??

BRENNAN: My dad.

RYAN: Oh. Well, yeah, we did talk and he doesn't want me to ever re-enter your domicile.

BRENNAN: Well, luckily we have made a commission to deal with the Ryan Donahue problem.

RYAN: Really?

BRENNAN: Yep, it's about to go into session in the place where the school board usually meets down at the principal's office. And guess what? The principal-

RYAN: What?

BRENNAN: You didn't need to say what, just, let me talk. The principal is presiding over the meeting.

RYAN: Jesus. You're getting the Principal involved?

BRENNAN: I love you buddy, but you've become a safety hazard. You're the worst thing since silica gel packets in shoes without the "DO NOT EAT" label.

(Cut to Michael about to eat silica gel)

MICHAEL: Damnit!

(He throws it away. Cut to a board room meeting with Principal Maxell presiding. To the right side of the table are Logan, Sarah, Jacob and Madeline. To the left side of the table are Kyle, Brennan, Michelle and Norman)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: This meeting will come to order. Mr. DeMint is recognized.

LOGAN: Thank you, Principal Maxell. (He stands up) I say we burn him! Burn at the stake; let his ashes shower the cheering students below. Let it be a celebration as the fire eats away at his skin and absorbs his being into the crackling wisp of nothingness.

SARAH: Jesus!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor say aye?

LOGAN: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed say no?

EVERYBODY BUT LOGAN: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Resolution is not agreed to. Ms. Blumenthal?

(Logan sits down, dejected while Sarah rises)

SARAH: I apologize for my boyfriend's behavior; I believe the best course of action is to have him beaten up by somebody. Knocked down to size. I mean, he's my friend, I love him, but don't you sometimes wish someone would just punch him in the face?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor say aye?

SARAH, LOGAN, AND NORMAN: AYE!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed say no?

NORMAN, KYLE, BRENNAN, MICHELLE AND JACOB: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: The resolution is not agreed to. Mr. Sanford?

(Brennan rises from his chair as Sarah sits down)

BRENNAN: Mr. Chairman, my proposal is to water board him until he admits he's an asshole who flaunts his special relationship with Michael way too much. The Japanese did it, why can't we?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor?

BRENNAN AND LOGAN: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed?

EVERYONE ELSE: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Not agreed to, Ms. Reed?

(Michelle rises as Brennan sits)

MICHELLE: How about we breed wolves, put them in his walls, and eventually they'll break out of there and chase him or something?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor?

MICHELLE AND LOGAN: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed?

EVERYBODY ELSE: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Mr. Lautenberg?

(Kyle rises as Michelle sits)

KYLE: We hide his house key so he has to find the spare in the back! HA! It'll be one hell of a minor inconvenience.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor?

KYLE: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed?

EVERYBODY ELSE: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Mr. Donahue?

(Jacob rises as Kyle sits)

JACOB: Listen, guys. This is the only way to do this. All I've been hearing in this meeting are small ideas, or, psychopathic ideas, that won't address the underlying problem, or they also may kill him. My idea will address the underlying problem, yet also keep him alive.

LOGAN: I already don't like it.

SARAH: Shut up!

JACOB: My dad's friend knows a guy who has some experience in the field of knocking faggots like Ethan down to size. Madeline, you'll know what I'm talking about.

MADELINE; Um…OHH!

(Flash back to mid-March 2012, when Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Ethan, Kimberly, Mayor Sarandon and Governor Romney were all having a spring break feast at Mayor Sarandon's mansion in the Hamptons)

ROMNEY: Good, practice makes perfect. Who is this young lady?

ETHAN: This is my daughter Madeline, she is precious.

ROMNEY: Oh, hello, Madeline. How are you?

MADELINE: I'm great, Governor, it's nice to meet you.

ETHAN: She is so talented.

ROMNEY: Oh, really, what is she involved with?

ETHAN: Uh…she has a lot of friends.

ROMNEY: Well, those are important.

(Cut back)

MADELINE: Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

JACOB: You bet you think I'm suggesting that we get Governor Romney to pin down Ryan and cut his long-ass emo hair.

MADELINE: So are you suggesting that?

JACOB: Yes.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All in favor say aye?

JACOB, MADELINE, SARAH AND LOGAN: AYE!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All opposed say no?

KYLE, NORMAN, MICHELLE AND BRENNAN: NO!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: The vote is equally divided; I will cast the deciding vote. (Each side leans in in anticipation, then there is a long pause) Why the hell not?

(Jacob, Madeline, Sarah and Logan cheer. Cut to Jacob, Madeline, Sarah, Logan and Principal Maxell in Mayor Sarandon's boardroom)

MAYOR SARANDON: Ladies and gentleman, Governor Romney should be here any moment.

(Governor Romney enters wearing a suit. He shakes hands with Mayor Sarandon)

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Nice to see you again, Brian.

MAYOR SARANDON: It's a pleasure, Governor. (They both sit down) Surely, you've met Jacob and Madeline Donahue. They are Ethan's kids.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Of course. Nice to see you two again. Where's that guy that reminds me of a darker version of John Lauber?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: That's what we're here to talk to you about, Governor. I'm Principal James Maxell of Hansbay High, by the way.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Pleasure.

(They shake hands)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: The ones you don't recognize are Logan DeMint and Sarah Blumenthal.

(Romney shakes hands with both of them)

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: It's a pleasure, now what is this about? I got a lot of position-changing to do.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Governor, it's about Ryan, the once you said looked like a darker version of John Lauber. He has become a nuisance to these four gentlemen and women, as well as to others. So a committee panel voted for a solution. That solution entails you pinning down Ryan and cutting his hair.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Done.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Wow, that was fucking fast.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Hey, I never miss an opportunity to teach a faggot a lesson if they don't conform to my pre-conceived notions of manliness or my narrow world view. I did it in 1965 to that faggot John Lauber, may he rest in peace, and I'll do it to Ryan.

MAYOR SARANDON: Terrific, Governor.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Who has scissors?

(Logan throws scissors at Governor Romney, and they just narrowly miss him and hit the wall behind him)

SARAH: LOGAN!

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: WHOA! GET HIM!

LOGAN: Agh! I'm sorry, Governor, I meant for you to catch that!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You're fucking crazy! Governor, where's your secret service detail?

GOCERNOR ROMNEY: That's a good question!

(Cut to outside the office. A secret service agent is banging Mayor Sarandon's secretary, a young tan girl with black hair, a purple button-up shirt and a skirt, on her desk while another one watches. Mayor Sarandon comes in)

MAYOR SARANDON: HEY! STOP THAT! MARIA'S NOT EVEN COLUMBIAN!

SECRET SERVICE GUY 1: You hear that Joe? Is that true, Maria?

MARIA: I'm Venezuelan, close enough.

SECRET SERVICE GUY 1: You lying bitch.

JOE: Calm down, Mitchell.

MITCHELL: NO!

(Cut to Governor Romney, Logan, Sarah, Jacob and Madeline in the hallway)

LOGAN: Okay, the bell is about to ring, and Ryan should be coming out of his last class.

(The bell rings, and Ryan walks out of his last class along with a slew of other people, and is holding an unopened Mountain Dew. Romney takes his scissors and along with Logan, Sarah, Jacob and Madeline, pin Ryan down)

RYAN: AHHH!! (Starts crying) STOP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOVERNOR?

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: TEACHING YOU A FAGGOT, LESSON!

RYAN: TEACHING ME A FAGGOT LESSON?

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I MEANT A "LESSON, FAGGOT"! THAT'S ONE INCH OFF FOR CORRECTING ME, BITCH!

RYAN: NO!!! THIS IS WRONG!!!

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: THIS IS RIGHT! HERE COMES THE SCISSOR TRAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!

RYAN: I THOUGHT MORMONS WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO CURSE!

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A LONG-HAIRED FAGGOT! HERE COMES THE CUT-CUT TRAIN!

(Romney moves the scissors closer and closer to his hair)

RYAN: You know what else Mormons can't do…

(Ryan opens his Mountain Dew with one hand and splashes it in Romney's face, and it gets in his mouth)

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: AHHH!!! (He lets go of Ryan and stands up, clutching his face as Jacob, Madeline, Logan and Sarah back up) I CAN'T HAVE CAFFIENE!

RYAN: HERE'S SOME ALCOHOL AND PORN TOO, YOU TAX-SHELTERING, DOG TORTURING BITCH!

(Ryan takes out a bottle of Jack Daniels and pours some on him, and whips out a copy of Hustler and shoves it in his face, it then falls to the ground)

JACOB: Why do you just happen to have porn and alcohol on you?

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I'M MELTING!

MADELINE: No, you're not.

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I'M MELTING!

(Romney gets on his knees and goes down into the fetal position)

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I'm melted.

(Pause)

LOGAN: Mormon on aisle three!

(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Kyle, Michael, Brennan, Sarah, Logan and Kirsten waiting for the bus)

JACOB: Well, I guess we all learned a valuable lesson.

MADELINE: Stress is a part of life, and if you over-react to it, then that causes more stress rather than diminishing stress.

KYLE: Exactly.

BRENNAN: Ryan, how did you get away from the Secret Service when they are questioning you about throwing stuff on Governor Romney?

RYAN: They started fucking my Columbian health teacher, so I just booked it.

SARAH: Wow, secret service guys are horn dogs.

LOGAN: No doubt about that. Also, Mitt Romney's an asshole, he didn't even deny bullying that kid.

KIRSTEN: I think that's the second valuable lesson we learned here today.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Hey by the way, we still got to do something tonight, Jacob and Kirsten.

JACOB: Oh yeah. Um, sure, what do you want to do?

MICHAEL: Well…

(A slideshow, with upbeat music, starts playing, starting with Jacob, Kirsten and Michael at Bernie's Grinders, then trying on hats at the mall, then posing in front of the Hansbay Chamber of Commerce, then partying with secret service agents, then jumping around at a club, then Michael is on the couch at Jacob's house with a hangover, while Jacob and Kirsten lay on the ground, exhausted. Cut to that scene)

JACOB: Ethan and Ryan are right about you, man. You're awesome.

MICHAEL: STOP TALKING!

(END)





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